How are ya’ll feeling today?! Because I feel fucking great! This morning I banged a chick and beat up a dude! At the same time! How is that possible?! Nothing is impossible when you drink Diet Pepsi Max with Panax Ginseng Extract, dummies! I’ve been hooked on this soda for about two weeks and when I say hooked, I mean I wake up with shakes and curious shivers! I used to just steal hubcaps and scrap metal for fun, but now I shopping cart it down to the junkman, then it’s straight to the corner boys for a fix of DPM! A regular can of diet cola has 36mg of caffeine! That’s it?! Cowboy the fuck up kids and grab a DPM with 69mg! Like the Pisces symbol! That means DPM is sent from the Gods! Right?! RIGHT?! I need to go lay dow! DPM!

- Patrick Cooper