Give Seagal the Poonani, Or Else!
I listen to a lot of Free Napster when I’m doing “work” at my real “job.” There’s a surprising amount of music I like and every Tuesday they get a decent amount of new releases to check out. But what I usually do is find the shittiest album possible because, fuck it, why not. Today I sampled the music stylings of philanthropist Steven Seagal. While he’s better known for his roles in movies like Under Siege 2, Half Past Dead, and Pistol Whipped, Seagal also has two albums under his (black) belt, including the one that melted my brain today: “Songs From the Crystal Cave.” Sounds like it would make a great Dragonforce album, but in reality it’s a disgusting Steven Seagal album. It starts with a block of bluesy vomit, the type of stuff you’d hear playing in Denny’s at 3am. But then “Strut” comes on. It was like my headphones had grown douche-fangs and bit my ears off. “Strut” is Seagal’s take on dancehall, complete with some bredren gettin’ irie. Plum loco and fucking filthy. Here’s just a sample of the mature lyrics:
Me want the poonani, see for make nice
She want the buddy
Him want the poonani
And me know it niceThink about just that because her clothes are just as pretty
They’re not just to cover her kitty
Jeezus Christ. Kitty? Kitty?! Hearing Seagal sing about how he want the poonani makes me want the Jim Bean. And if you want to never think about having sex again, listen to it here. Jah give I strength!
January 16th, 2009 at 12:03 am
holy shit that is the dirtiest old man song I have ever heard. I love it, it’s like a roundhouse kick to the eardrums.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:13 am
Black Belt, Actor, AIDS Conspiracy Theorist & now Dancehall artist!?? Where does this man find the time?
January 16th, 2009 at 12:30 am
“see for make nice”.
Wow.
Seagal owns some property out here in California. It’s in this shitty little ‘town’ called ‘Lake Shastina’. It’s, of course, near Lake Shasta and Mt. Shasta, but it’s this man-made hole in the ground that always drains so you can see the tree stumps and dead cars that are at the bottom. It sucks.
Anyway, the locals think he’s hilarious because every year he has 2 giant cacti–the ones that look like they’re from a roadrunner cartoon–shipped in and planted at the front gates. Well, it’s cold. And wet there. So they invariably die. Every year.
But, well, a man like Steve Seagal has to keep up appearances.
And that’s my Seagal story. See for make nice.
January 16th, 2009 at 11:41 am
GIVE ME THAT RING!