I’ll admit I’m not the biggest Van Halen fan.  It’s not that I think they suck, it’s just that I really didn’t get into them.

Save Running With the Devil, there was nothing about them that captivated me as a kid.  I remember thinking as a kid the only people that were into Van Halen were construction workers and blond truck bunny’s that smoked Export A (sorry Americans, this cultural allusion might go over your head).

Perhaps if they employed a better marketing tactic like developing – i dunno – this game back then, the story would be different.

So what happens when you cross my love of infographics with my Catcher-in-the-Rye-like compulsion to collect Kennedy half-dollars? You get a huge analysis of some heavy-hitter presidents’ track records during their first hundred days in office. Wow.

Is it absolutely retarded that I’m tempted to post this under ‘Boner Shorts’? Is my love of all things infographic a polarized window into my soul? Does it say something about who I am?

I’m a little late to the show with this post (it was originally published on day -75 of Obama’s presidency), and I have to say that I’m one of those pessimistic people who’s half-waiting to be disappointed with this new guy—although I can’t help but be excited by the shimmering glimmering hope he represents—but the minute you put FDR and JFK next to some wavy lines and color coding, I’m there. Politics away. Or something.

Anyway.

Ulterior – 15 EP (2008) [DiscError] // Grade: B+

Ulterior is part of a recent crop of UK bands moving past the decade long post-punk revival for the darker pastures of  Goth & Death Rock. But then again most things Goth are inherently post-punk, so toe-may-toe, toe-mah-toe. 15 consists of the 3 distortion drenched songs that sound a lot like Alien Sex Fiend raping (lovingly of course) The Jesus & Mary Chain with a synthesizer. And while Ulterior clearly wear their influences on their sleeves, they manage to do so with a sense of jarring urgency that’s long been missing from indie music since we elected The Arcade Fire de facto rulers for life.

I always know a debut EP has really succeeded when I can’t appreciate it as cohesive release and I’m just left hungering to hear more.  The 3 songs on 15 are most certainly not enough to satisfy my tastes and I can’t wait to hear what Ulterior would bring to a full-length album. But in the meantime we have this and their more recent sigle Weapons to whet our appetites.

Compared to Nigerian news, American news is wicked boring. Exhibit A: Over the weekend, police in Lagos, Nigeria arrested a magic goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery. I live in Salem, MA; epicenter of witchcraft in the USA and I have never seen magic of this magnitude.

Vigilantes took the black and white beast to the police saying it was an armed robber who had used black magic to transform himself into a goat to escape arrest after trying to steal a Mazda 323.

“The group of vigilante men came to report that while they were on patrol they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car. They pursued them. However one of them escaped while the other turned into a goat,” Kwara state police spokesman Tunde Mohammed told Reuters by telephone. (Source)

Tunde went on to say that they cannot base their information on something “mystical” and that it needs to be proven – scientifically, of course – that the human turned into a goat.

I’m going to go to Nigeria and steal everything. Then I’m going to tell Tunde a cheetah Animorph did it.

Ease and I were in San Diego for the Agenda Trade Show for the past few days. On Thursday night, our friend Miranda from Un|steady boutique invited us to a show at Two Roses Tattoo Parlor. They were showing the NYC Skate documentary, Deathbowl To Downtown. With the promise of  free beer and BBQ we felt this was a good alternative to the usual streetwear parties.

I think as soon as we walked in, Ease was like “Yo, G lets get an eyeball tattoo!” Everyone at the office has been talking about getting our “Keep Watch” eyeball tattooed somewhere on our bodies. I have 4 tattoos none of which were spur of the moment. So I’ve  never really understood the notion of walking in somewhere randomly and getting a tattoo.

So we watch the documentary, had some beers, and I listened to Ease keep on and on about getting tattooed. Finally I was like, “Dude, if you want to get it, cool, but I AM NOT getting a tattoo.” Ease then went inside to discuss getting the Keep Watch Eyeball done with the artist while still incessantly asking me if I would get one as well. Finally the artist, Chris Cockrill, asked me if this was some sort of dare or something, I said, “No.”

Chris then proceeded to take my cap off my head, photocopied it, redrew it, and got Ease ready to get tattooed. Once he was in the chair Ease began shaking and complaining of being cold. No one could figure out what was wrong with him until I finally realized he hadn’t eaten since lunch. I think being hungry and the loss of blood from being tattooed must have made him go into shock. If it was Halloween, Ease would have been Shakes the Jaundice Clown.

Ease was shaking so much it looked like he was dancing while getting zapped. His left pec kept shaking the whole time! Seriously the funniest thing ever to watch!

After Ease was finished Miranda walked over to me and said that if I got the tattoo that she would pay for it and get one herself! It was a wrap, I was so getting one now. It wasn’t the money I just couldn’t turn down her proposal.

P.S. Did I mention that we were all sober?

It took a little bit of time to work out placement of my eyeball. I knew I wanted it on my leg, but I didn’t want to to interfere with my Mr.T tattoo.

I finally settled on getting it directly on my shin. To any of you wondering “Your shin!? Didn’t that hurt?” Not really while it was happening, but the next few days it hurt like a bitch!

The cap I was wearing when it all went down which you’ll be able to get your hands on soon!

As soon as I was done I was worried that Miranda had duped me, but then she hopped up on the table.

She had it all planned out on where she was getting the eyeball, the back of her calf.

I am still pretty amazed that she actually got one! The next day she told us she was going to get the Bear Mop on her other leg which then turned into turning the eyeball as the centerpiece of a pentagram. I guess we’ll SEE… har har!

Afterward, we went to eat at some 24 hour diner, still in shock yet pretty amped at what we had just done. We decided to keep our tattoos secret until making this post. So surprise everyone! So who is next to join the Keep Watch Crew?!

Side Note: We realized the next day that no one had taken a picture of the three tattoos together. Ease went around the corner to try and find a crackhead, and Miranda called a few of her friends, but we couldn’t find anyone to snap the flick. So we set up a tripod, and I think after about 5 tries we got the shot pictured at the top of this post. Great Job!

I showed up to Friday’s Midnite Till Death feeling like a dead body and I left feeling like a dead body stuffed with a million bucks.

I set up my DJ-mo-tron and put on a bunch of stupid shitty records. I was DJing all the wrong shit, mostly sad European garage and pop glam. Thankfully Charly and Ana showed up with good records which left me more time to freak out at the bands and chain smoke. I think my hairline is receding although it could just be an illusion.

The Organs got on stage a little late. It was like that episode of Seinfeld where they try to meet at the movie theater and they keep on leaving the movie theater to find each other. What the fuck was up with that? Once Dan finally got on stage he was fucking around with his equipment. “YOU, play that guitar! YOU, play that bass! YOU, drum those drums!” Once I yelled at them they jumped into playing awesome fucking rock and roll which made me forget what was up. The shindig was in full swing and my bad mood was on the back burner.

This is Lucian from Fiasco. The guys in Fiasco are like panda bears. They look adorable and then they start to play and it’s like getting mauled. Don’t forget that pandas are still bears and they will bite you, probably in the leg or groin. I’m a guy with a silly moustache but I think his is funnier. It looks like two fuzzy little caterpillars crawling into his nose.

My new thing is strangling people while I photograph them. I need to get some black leather gloves. The Back C.C.s Were sick as hell. Also, Rico was literally sick as hell. After he got off stage he couldn’t move and I thought he was dead.

See? Looks dead.

I’m really fifty fifty on whether this fine ass woman is legit or not. Are Black Flag shirts replacing Unknown Pleasures shirts as the shirt that girls that don’t listen to music wear as a fashion thing? I should have tested the waters by asking her who her favorite Black Flag singer was. If she said Rollins then she sucks and is still in the high school of the mind. If she said Ron Reyes or Chavo then she just checked out Wikipedia on her way out the door. The correct answer is ALWAYS Dez Cadena.

I looked at this photo a second time and realized that I must have been temporarily gay. This woman is fine and fly. Her shirt is fine and fly.

Jonathan can finger his guitar to death. The first time I saw Fiasco I just wandered into Cakeshop’s basement and there they were doing intensely complex hardcore songs about Star Wars. They asked for requests and did a Black Sabbath and Black Flag song for me. They are as talented as they are able. Seriously. I just wish people would fucking dance. This is circle pit music if I ever heard it. Especially when I hear “Oh, You horny monster”. How can you not want to do a David Lee Roth into the crowd off one of the convenient platforms? I can’t be the party asshole and the party organizer. More dancing assholes at future Till Deaths, please.

Charlie and Owen show me what I taught them.

This old timey moustache bologna is getting out of hand. He looks like he’s late, he’s late for a very important date but instead of keeping a pocket watch on the end of his fob chain he’s got a fucking iPhone. Don’t put this much energy into being old timey/a cartoon rabbit if you’re going to be pulling out Star Trek props and destroying the whole thing. I am certain that I am being a dick to the last person I should be being a dick to. I bet at some point I’ll be hearing “You’ll never work in this town again!” coming out of this guy’s life destroying little mouth hole.

I was outside smoking a lot and saying goodbye to the only girl I ever loved when Cameron from the Choke grabbed me gruffly by the scruff of my neckfat and said,”We’re going on now, and you gotta introduce us!” I went on stage and introed the band. She moves around like nuts when she’s onstage. Wailing and flailing and moving.

After the Choke’s set finished the party split into two warring factions. There were the backroom smoking partiers and the dancing to soul music people. When will people learn that there are no winners in war, only losers?

Smell ya later!

AC/DC – Back In Black (1980)

Vs.

The Clash – London Calling (1979)

The Game is simple… if only one could exist which would it be?  What’s more important… personal relevance, cultural significance, or simply being the better album all other things aside? Choice is yours…

Franz Ferdinand – Tonight (2009) [Domino] // Grade: C+

I appreciate that Franz Ferdinand is the sort of band that doesn’t pussyfoot around their commercial ambitions. But what I can appreciate more is that they’ve made a career of doing so with albums full of strong songwriting. However on their newest album, Tonight they come off like a band unsure of who they are in the current musical landscape and where they are going.

Of the 12 tracks on Tonight half are uninspired, formulaic yet incredibly easy to like slices of Britpop that rekindle memories of Take Me Out. The remaining 6 or so song on the album see the band being much more adventurous, while always a welcome thing is unfortunately met with very mixed results. It’s clear on this album that Franz Ferdinand at the very least want to try something new, they’re just not really ready to. They seem incapable of letting go and writing every songs without intending for them to be singles. This is most evident on Twilight Omens & Lucid Dreams, two great songs hampered only by a band desperately trying to get them to be more than they need to be.

Despite the uneeded and distracting elctronic tinkering spirnkled through out most songs, the album is enjoyable to sit through. But It does however  plass less so like an album and more like a sketch for something yet to come from Franz Ferdinand, something that quite truthfully may never come.

I’m not sure what’s more surreal, seeing Fucked Up Interviewed on Fox News or reading that whole New York Times show review where they dare not print their name!

So obviously, you already have a pretty amazing tool at your disposal for figuring out the date. Duh.

But imagine: what if—instead of helping you sundial the time with your pants off—your calendar helped you figure out how to get where you were going via train in one of the world’s largest cities? What if it also helped you feel dumb as shit, while at the SAME time exacerbating your love for night rainbows and cool calendars that you never use for their intended purpose?

Well, imagine no further. The kind folks at zeroperzero have made all sorts of fancy products (including the above map/calendar thing which make figuring out what day it is seem like atomic chemistry) out of their totally freakin’ rad interpretations of modern railway maps. They’ve got Tokyo (shown above), Osaka, New York, and Seoul right now, and boy are they neat.

I love trains. And toys. So of course I love toy trains. Those episodes of CSI with the miniature killer and the dude’s house that’s FULL of N-scale dioramas of graveyards and murder scenes totally blow my mind. That, and Marg Helgenberger‘s top half is, well, something to behold. But we already covered that.