When I was 7 years old my mom walked in on me in the bathroom on day and started freaking out; I was stabbing a hard-boiled egg over and over with a cocktail sword yelling “DIE!!!…DIE!!!..”. It’s pretty understandable why the situation was so uneasy to her, thinking back now it sounds almost serial killer. What my mom didn’t know is that I had just painted a Jason mask on the egg and was pretending to be Tommy Jarvis from the end of Friday The 13th Part 4.

Over a week has passed since the 12th installment of the franchise dropped, have you gone to see that shit yet? You should. If you’re anywhere close to the freak kid I was, then you’ve been waiting for Jason to kill at Camp Crystal Lake ever since he got on that boat headed to New York in part 8.

So whatever, Michael Bay ended up with the movie. It’s obvious that he knew he would have to keep it real for the horror heads while also commercial enough for the masses. He jammed a hell of a lot into this movie, which is good and bad, it’s basically the first four originals wrapped up in one pretty remake. The movie has that old-school tint/ new-school polished look that I find contradictory. In fact, it looks exactly like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, suitably, he used the same director and cinematographer. I don’t think all these classic remakes should look the same, I hope he’s not planning on rinsing the same style for A Nightmare On Elm Street (coming in 2010).

I can’t complain about the death toll or nudity though, he came correct… 13 kills and 3 pairs of titties. (The third pair being the hypest by far). The kills were good, although the best bloody moments were pretty stagnant. I like to see my gore go down from beginning to end, when the trap hits the leg, till it rips it clean off. There was lots of blood though.

We had the same old great cast of characters to watch, the dumb jock, the geek, mr. sensitive, the hunk, the virgin, and the slut(s). They also threw in a token Asian guy and a masturbating black guy for good measure. All these people delivered some seriously hype lines, which is very important in a Friday The 13th or any slasher movie for that matter.

I guess I have one last beef and it’s with the brand new kidnapping Jason. Jason has always just killed. What I think happened here is that about 20 minutes of the film were cut that explained the fact that Jason thought this girl was his mother, so he kept her in his basement chained up. I bet you it will be in the DVD version. I hope they also make her put on a sweater and pretend to be his mother at the end when she kills him. Like she should.

Bring on the sequels.

- Lepos