I Love Stuff: Old Commercials For Shitty Booze.
I have started writing about the things that I hate on this blog, but lo! I am not merely a creature of hate, wriggling amongst the snakes and serpents. I also am a creature of divine love who adores the things that make life worth living. One of those things that I loveth is to write the way Thor speaks. Yea, most verily!
Another thing is old television commercials for undrinkable swill! Here’s my fave-o-rites! That one at the top features the Average White Band playing pinball, singing about the powers of Schlitz and then a bull explodes through an arcade cabinet. Oh, the majesty! Here are some more-eth!
“Beer makes it good/ There’s no debate/ beer makes it good/ Schlitz makes it great!” That is a jingle that will jangle you.
Here are some black people in the seventies thinking up new gross ways to mix fruit juice with malt liquor. Yuck.
This one’s my favorite. Two young attractive kids are hanging out in the middle of nowhere when a totally creepy woman who reminds me of Granny Gross comes out and encourages these two tennis players to get their fuck on by lubricating the hump ignition with some liquid garbage. Then she rides off on a motorcycle and pops a wheelie. “Now doesn’t that wine taste good?” I’m a little mystified by Motorcycle Grandma’s closing statement,”One sip and it’s Strawberry Hills forever!” I’d like to think that Strawberry Hills is the asylum she escaped from and made the wine in. Also why did she think trading a bottle of opened wine for the young lovers motorcycle was a fair trade?
Keep your internet tuned to this bloggle if you want to read more about the things that make me feel love and hate.
- Toilet Cobra
May 20th, 2009 at 5:55 am
i always loved the billy dee williams Schlitz commercials. “Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull…..word UP!” he also did Colt 45. malt liquor pimp.
May 20th, 2009 at 10:56 am
Citrus juice with malt liquor is a ghetto shandy (or a “lunch box”), try it it sometime, it’s delicious.
May 20th, 2009 at 11:05 am
finally toilet cobra, somthing we can agree on. kudos to you finding these awesome malt commercials.
you must now start compiling all of the 80′s Colt 45 commercials starring Pope Billy D Williams
May 20th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
I like those Billy Dee clips a lot but I didn’t put them in since everybody knows them. One of the Star Wars podcasts I like, “The Forcecast”, has a Billy Dee quote of the week. They get clips of things he said in those commercials, the General Hospital spinoff show where he plays Touissant Dubois. He said things like “Maybe your clown needs a friend.” and other amazing lines with total conviction and the same velvety voice.
May 21st, 2009 at 2:41 pm
It didn’t result in the Citizen Kane of cheap booze adverts, but Orson Welles’ work in this field surely deserves a mention.