Russian-born, MA-raised, Brooklyn-living comedian Eugene Mirman delivered a speech to the graduating class of Lexington High School yesterday, where Mirman himself graduated in 1992. When I graduated from Newton High (NJ) back in 2000, we had some bozo talk to us about perseverance and “shooting for the stars.” These lucky know-it-alls in Lexington, MA got:

“The main difference between life yesterday and life tomorrow is you can go to the bathroom whenever you want. It’s a pretty big responsibility — but you’ve earned it.”

“There’s an asteroid heading for the Earth and you only have four days to live.”