I hear you’re gearing up for a new installment in our friendly neighborhood web slinger’s movie franchise. Well look, if you ask me, the last three are garbage. All of them. Nearly unwatchable. Green Goblin looked really stupid, dude.

I don’t blame you though, you’re a terrific director. My stinkfinger is pointed at all the Marvel Studio execs. So look, I want to help you get this franchise on track. Why not take a chance and use the second best storyline (Death Of Gwen Stacy being #1 but you already fucked that up) as your playbook?

KRAVEN’S LAST HUNT

Follow me here:

Sergei Kravinoff, an independently wealthy and world renowned big game hunter, travels from his remote compound in Zanzibar to New York. He’s determined to track down his latest obsession: Spider-Man. Stuff happens, insert Vulture and The Lizard (an animal theme) and a bunch of fights where Kraven shows up and creates chaos while Spidey is fighting off said old-school villains.

Frustrated (and jealous) that Spider-Man kicks his ass at every turn, Kraven makes a deal with Vulture and Lizard — scheming to kill Spider-Man. However what everyone doesn’t know is that Kraven plans to assume the identity of Spider-Man, in effort to prove that he Kraven, is a better Spider-Man than Spider-Man himself! The ultimate TROPHY! Kraven tricks Vulture and Lizard to THINK he’s going to kill Spidey, but really just shoots him with a voodoo-fake-death-but-really-sleeping dart. A villainous double cross!

Kraven buries Spidey warrior style in an unmarked grave, so on and so forth…doesn’t unmask him, because it’s not ‘the code’ or something like that. Kraven goes on to impersonate Spider-Man around town, wearing the costume and kicking everyone’s ass with excessive force — even Vulture’s and Lizard’s asses. They’re all like, “What the hell, I thought we took care of the pesky wall-crawler?!”

Still with me?

So the audience starts crying, “Peter Parker can’t be dead. It’s the movies!” Plus, Aunt May and Harry are wondering where Pete is because he’s missing for weeks…the only person who knows that something is up is Mary Jane…because she knows about Pete’s alter-ego, duh. So she’s freaking out because she keeps seeing some imposter Spider-Man (Kraven in disguise) on the news.

Peter Parker regains consciousness up in an unmarked grave all dramatic…use this as a storyboard.

He’s still in the suit, so he gets right to kicking everyone’s ass, even Vulture’s & Lizard’s (they escaped jail). Then he finds Kraven…and there’s a big huge acrobatic showdown around New York.

Kraven reveals his scheme to best Spider-Man rather than kill him…because Kraven is all about sport, hubris, and warped delusions of a legacy. Spidey kicks his ass and Kraven goes to jail. It would be cool if Kraven would rather commit suicide than lose, but it’s gotta be PG13, I understand. So on the way to jail, Kraven escapes and disappears. Then Spider-Man makes out with Mary Jane.

Also, don’t fuck with Kraven’s outfit. It’s perfect the way it is…same goes for Vulture’s and Lizard’s.

And get Malkovich as Vulture. Maybe that guy from Deadwood as Kraven.

Sam,

If you follow all this criteria, I promise that Spider-Man 4 will make a billion dollars opening night.

- Cornbluth