These were the stories intended to pass down the valuable codes of society. Instead, they were a plot by marketers and advertising execs to brainwash me into a good consumer for the rest of my life…80′s cartoons were nothing but propaganda designed to sell me my identity.

These weren’t epic tales of adventure and morality. They were FRAUD.

MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE:

According to HE-MAN, I’m no match for the dubious elements of the world on my own. I need a MAGIC TOOL to turn me into something greater than I am. I’m powerless otherwise. But even that’s not enough, because NEW EVIL pops up every week that I’m no match for…

Once hypnotized, Mattel offered me the solution to their subliminal propaganda:

And of course, our products don’t work for us unless we give up our will and pray to them:

Masters of the Universe really broke the mold with this model of deceit. Noticing the success, more cartoons followed this same paradigm of setting us up to believe we’re inadequate, then sell us the solution…but just this time, no promises.

For the Thundercats, Silverhawks, Transformers & G.I.Joe…

THUNDERCATS/SILVERHAWKS:

There was little to no difference between these two cartoons. One was set in space, the other one some alien planet…look at Mum-Ra and Mon*Star, they’re exactly the same! I was sold out once, then came back again!

THUNDERCATS:

Same mindrape as He-Man…I’m nothing without my fancy glove (clothes) and Sword (product/tool)

It’s all the same plot, just different characters that subconsciously conditioned my brain to link heroism with materialism. They’d show me the only thing that would would yield success this episode, then conveniently show me that it was already at my local toy store for me to own! I could simply go out and BUY the character traits I need in life…

SILVERHAWKS:

Flashy outfits and awesome vehicles will defeat all demons in the universe. Artists (namely MUSICIANS in this case) will always sit at the sidelines of life.

TRANSFORMERS:

These things, these material things, will save your life…a state of the art radio? A fast car? You need all of them, because each one adds to your quality of life.

These weren’t heroes passing down the paramount lessons in life…they were empty, interchangeable characters with cool gadgets. I was sold out, turned into a hollow character who believes he needs things…more specifically, PRODUCTS to navigate through the challenges of life.

GI JOE:

Of of the biggest schemes ever! I needed to have a whole army of gadgets, cars, helicopters, boats, etc. to have any sort of victory against the mysterious (yet clearly fascist) evil in the world.

Don’t be fooled, G.I. JOE didn’t promote team work and the merits of individual skills joining hands. It promoted running with the pack and never to get out of line with the herd!

If you ask me, COBRA seems to embody the concept of individuality joining forces. They were all about being yourself and never letting failure get in the way of realizing your dream.

Oh, and as for those lessons at the end of each episode?

Nothing but a diversion tactic!!

Look at me now.. I’m 31 and still buy a ton of gadgets I don’t need, searching for an identity I’ll never have.

AND they continue to sell me over and over and over again.

As much as I’d like to delude myself into thinking, some hip executive wants to champion nostalgia with some integrity, it’s really just another generation of corporate vampires laughing, “I can’t believe he still buys all this shit!”

- Cornbluth