Green Wilder
The neat thing about being involved with comic book movies these days is that you can suffer from partial brain damage, schizophrenia, or fecophilia, and it really doesn’t matter. In fact, if you don’t have some sort of debilitating mental disorder, I suggest you don’t even try to worm your way into the world of comic book movies. You don’t fit the model. From the camp of bad ideas that brought you meathead frat boy Zack Snyder directing Watchmen and Liev Schreiber as Sabretooth comes Ryan Reynolds as Green Lantern.
It’s been a curious situation for comic book movies this year. They’re all hot-mess car wrecks burning on top of one another, limbs spilling into the street and infecting people with the bubonic plague. Perhaps all of this nonsense is a karmic backlash from last year’s Iron Man and The Dark Knight. All of a sudden us fat comic book dillholes weren’t ashamed to walk in the light of day anymore. I should have known that by the seventeenth time I yelled, “Why so serious?” awkwardly in a public place, I was going to piss off some irritable deity. And so this year we were given Hugh Jackman as Wolverine the Weepy Pussbag and Ryan Reynolds in a role that doesn’t involve impersonating Dane Cook.
The universe openly laughs in the face of us previously proud comic book fans, before reminding me why I didn’t lose my virginity until the age of 25.
So yes, we weep together with the knowledge that Ryan Reynolds has been cast as the Green Lantern. I can just imagine the board meeting when they were trying to fill the role of Green Lantern, also known as Hal Jordan.
“Oh yeah so, we need to cast the main character, Sal Jordass or whatever.”
“It’s Hal Jordan, sir.”
“Yeah okay whatever you say, Hale Jordache, gotcha. And so what’s he all about.”
“Well sir, he’s a handsome man, charged with protecting the universe with a ring –“
“Like Frodo?”
“No, not exactly, sure…whatever. And he’s in his mid-thirties, and serves as a test pilot for the Air Force. He’s a bit headstrong, and has to be someone who you could imagine standing up to someone like Batman without pissing their pants.”
“So let’s see. He’s handsome, intelligent, charged with saving the galaxy, and can fly planes. Oh! I’ve got it! Fucking Van Wilder!”
I can’t even begin to fathom the amount of drugs it takes to have someone arrive at Ryan Reynolds from the character description of Hal Jordan. When I realize that someone actually got paid to make this decision, the entirety of my unemployed-broke-overweight existence seethes with rage.
Yes, that’s right, nerds, that would make me a Red Lantern.
It made sense when Reynolds was cast as Deadpool in the aforementioned abortion Wolverine: X-Men: Origins: Logan Cries this summer, and also when they announced Deadpool would get his own spin-off movie. After all, Deadpool has always been a funny, over-the-top douchebag. At the very least, Reynolds could pull off being an over-the-top douchebag without effort. And maybe even be amusing.
I will even admit I am one of the brain-defective assholes who actually finds Reynolds amusing in some movies. When he makes that kooky face after the inappropriate non sequitur? I’m in stitches every time. I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I promise you I hate myself an appropriate amount.
The problem comes when Reynolds tries to pass off as a serious actor. C’mon. I saw him in Adventureland too. He just played an older, more subdued version of everything he’s ever played: the handsome totally bonkers guy. Like I said, I can’t tell if he’s impersonating Dane Cook, or if Dane Cook is impersonating him. The only way I can tell them apart is because Reynolds is a poster boy, and Dane Cook looks like he got a sandblaster to the face as a young adult.
Reynolds as the Green Lantern confuses the hell out of me. How can you take someone seriously as an actor, when their claim to fame is an endless supply of pubescent sex jokes, and a controversy over whether or not they had ab implants? Maybe it’ll all make sense in a year or so, when they reveal the full title of the movie: Green Lantern: The Green Dong of Penetrating Evil’s Defenses … or something.
July 17th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
terrible fucking news.
July 17th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
I actually think he works well. They clearly aren’t going dramatic (Dennis Quaid would work better if they were).
July 17th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
HAHAHA “The only way I can tell them apart is because Reynolds is a poster boy, and Dane Cook looks like he got a sandblaster to the face as a young adult.”
And Ryan Reynolds somehow managed to marry Scarlett Johansson. wtf.
July 17th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
See I actually enjoy the casting call of Ryan Reynolds. Don’t get me wrong, he was not my first choice but I am not against it. Jordan always seemed to come off as arrogant and kind of a douche at first which I think Reynolds will be able to pull off. Acting wise is another thing though, i’m not sure how I will feel about this. To be honest I really was hoping for Chris Pine from Star Trek to get the part (he was in the running as was Bradley Cooper which also wouldnt have been bad). Chris Pine melted my heart as Kirk and I know he would have killed it being Jordan, but only time will tell. A lot of people were unsure about RDJ as Tony Stark as well, but I was on board with that train before it left the station.
This was extremely long I apologize. My nerd came out a tiny bit, also Reynolds is one of those words that looks wrong the more you spell it.
Cornbluth: Dennis Quaid is like a million fucking years old and also is in GI Joe which means he is a fail. Hal Jordan is like late 20′s.
July 17th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Also I enjoy the Red Ring reference that flew under the radar.
July 17th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Halliday: Ok, ok, take it easy.
July 17th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Caffine Powered: I gotta take fault with what you wrote about The Watchman. I thought the movie was about as perfect a translation of not just The Watchmen, but the look and feel of a comic book into film… It was over the top, campy, tongue-in-cheek and as with everything Moore writes, gave the allusion of being edgy by repackaging old ideas really, really well.
It not only recreating the film as it would have been done as an 1980s summer blockbuster but improved on the story by updating the very dated ending, without changing it’s meaning. How that got lost on you, I don’t know but then to put Iron Man up as a “good” comic book movie? Iron Man was total fluff! It was boring and absolutely underwhelming.
July 17th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Oh, no.
Oh. No.
No. No.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
July 17th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
I could watch the Watchmen opening credits forever.
July 17th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
I didn’t think the look of Watchmen translated into the movie at all. I thought Snyder took out all the grittiness of Watchmen and replaced it with music video sheen. I was hoping for something more Aronofsky and less Wachowski when it came to how the scenes were going to be filmed. Everything is hyper-stylized and glossy, from the sets to the costumes.
As much as I was one of those assholes who complained about the changing of the ending when I heard about it, I didn’t have a problem with it when I saw it. I just wanted to throw up blood when I saw the Comedian punching through concrete like fucking Agent Smith.
I know there’s a lot of talk about Watchmen the movie being a commentary on the state of comic book movies like Watchmen was a commentary on the state of comic books, and that explains why all the actors are wearing Batman and Robin costumes and are gorgeous, et cetera. Maybe I’m just being a douchebag, and I don’t think Snyder is capable of such metacommentary.
The idea of Snyder mimicking Moore by “being edgy by repackaging old ideas really well”, seems like a great way to rationalize all the bullet time bullshit, but seems more like the dude just loves slow motion. If everything was done tongue-in-cheek, I could appreciate it, though it wouldn’t make the movie any more enjoyable to me.
As far as Iron Man, I wouldn’t defend it as being anything other than fluff. I thought it was a fun summer movie, and that’s all I was expecting from it. I’m not going to stick it on a pedestal – it was a dude wearing a robot and shooting shit, and that is all I really wanted from a flick starring Tony Stark.
July 17th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
“hyper-stylized and glossy, from the sets to the costumes.” That is what a Comic is to me and that’s what I appreciate. I actually hate when movies try to make a comic about people with god like powers and make it seem realistic.
Also did you see The Dawn of the Dead remake? Or was 300 your first taste of Zack Snyder? 300 was garbage! Snyder, is very much aware of what he’s doing. Think of how the Watchmen was scored. Every song choice not only fit with the whole 1980s blockbuster style but were so ridiculously obvious in hammering every single point into your brain (like comics tend to do), that it was in many ways the comedic relief to the extreme over exaggerated violence.
Also not that i think Ryan Reynolds would make a great Green Lantern, but I find him charming in a douchebag sort of way and maybe they’re morphing Hal Jordan with Guy Gardner in the film to give the character a little more personality.
July 17th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Yeah, I thought his remake of Dawn of the Dead was pretty sweet. And because I like glazed men wielding phallic objects, I dug 300 too. I actually enjoy Snyder, I just didn’t think he was the dude for Watchmen. When you explain it, his approach at some sort of commentary makes sense, but the approach isn’t the one I would have preferred. The reference to 1980′s comic books exposition is great though, and ties back to good ole’ Claremont.
Reynolds is definitely a charming douchebag, I wasn’t kidding when I said I enjoyed him in some sort of ashamed way. He definitely seems more Guy Gardner than Hal Jordan. I could see him as the mouthy guy that Batman slugs in the face after one too many smart ass remarks.
July 18th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
When I saw the name Ryan Reynolds, I kept thinking, ‘the mostly Asian porn chick?’
I don’t think I’ve ever seen any of his movies, but I do remember all the Van Wilder commercials. I’d perhaps compare it to having Lonestar as the President of the USofA in ID4.