Like the Peter Pan of the 80s rock world, Sammy Van Halen West refuses to grow up. The self-proclaimed “Niagara Falls Hero” spends his days downing tequila, smoking weed (out of a skull bowl), and doing “monster donuts” in the Mighty Taco parking lot. From his “A Day in the Life:”

As I rolled up, I broke out my skull shaped bowl and started puffing what I hadn’t finished the night before. Nicely toasted, I marched up into the burrito palace and called out “Van Halen Is In The Haus!” The worker chicks there tried to hide their faces under hairnets and baseball caps… chicks always get shy in the presence of the SVHW. I grabbed a stack of customer feedback postcards and began autographing each one with a personal message for each of the dames with the sharpie that I always keep on hand.
“To Tina – Dance the Night Away”
“To Shaneeka – Rock the DonkaDonk”
“To Jolene – Thats not a guitar in my pocket (but that is one in my car)”
etc.
I scoped the ladies — lookin fine with their tight black pants and bits of spicy cooked beef stuck to their shirts. I tossed the ‘graphs to each of my girls chinese star style and rocked the fuck out the door, holding up the devil horns with my hands as I left.

In 2007, Sammy was banned from a McDonald’s on Niagara Falls Blvd. for harassing the female workers. But not being one to let Johnny Law dictate his life, he returned a half hour later and was quickly arrested.

Reliable sources say he announced his arrival to face trespassing charges by entering the Court Clerk’s office and uttering, “Van Halen in the house.” Understand he also took pains to point out to the judge that Van Halen is his legal name. (Source)

Sammy’s celebrity status has opened up several doors, including promoting a local radio station, The Edge. Heat, power, thunder, lights, camera, action…pussies.

- Oh Mars