I have a natural antipathy towards the Miami Dolphins. It’s more than just Bryan Cox’s spit or Oompa Loompa-lookin Don Shula, and it’s deeper than the sun vs. snow culture clash that fuelled the anti-Miami sentiments I marinated in as a young Buffalonian. To me, the Fish are the NFL’s corniest team. From their Sea World logo to their Lisa Frank colors, from Dan Marino’s Isotoner slanging to Chadwick Pennington’s noodle arm, the Dolphins swim in an ocean of wack juice.

Miami fans will argue that I’m just salty because the Fins are the reigning AFC East champs and the Bills haven’t been to the playoffs since the Clinton administration, and that’s true to an extent: I am an admitted hater. But last year’s standings are last year’s standings, and after dropping yesterday’s game to the Colts, the floppy Fish are a stinking 0-2. Losing last night probably stung more than usual, too, given the fact that Miami was romping right up to the start of the fourth. Smokin’ Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown were fileting Indy’s D, and things looked good for the teal… until they didn’t, as Manning reminded us why he’s reigning MVP by leading the Colts back from the brink in the final minutes. Classic.

Besides, here’s the trump card for any pro-Miami rebuttal, the coup de grâce to squish any Fish-fan: Dudes, your theme song is penned by JIMMY FUCKIN BUFFETT, the patron saint for alcoholic surburbanites and embarassing midlife crises. And your stadium is named after his line of beer. And Buffett has a “business role” with your team (ouch), along with J-Lo & Marc Antony (double ouch), Gloria Estefan (uhhhh) and the Williams sisters (slightly better, but not enough). Stephen Ross, the Dolphins’ new majority owner, says his team is making a concerted effort to be like the Lakers in terms of celeb appeal, but that’s just awkward.

Here’s Buffett’s monstrosity of a fight song, now playing after every Dolphins scoring drive; click if you dare. What a nightmare: lyrics include “We gotta shut off our cell phones / And get our arms up in the air / We are entering the FinZone.” Wow. To their credit, some of the locals hate it, too.  So to satiate the non-white, non-middle-aged-loser portion of the fanbase, the Fish also commissoned T-Pain to update their traditional song; you can hear the result here. What a transparent corporate effort to generate “excitement.” Lame.

Anyways, enough slagging on the Fins. More sporting observations:

• Whoa. Rex Ryan is kicking ass and looking like a damn genius. It’s hard not to like the guy: He and his players talk extra-large and then back it up with some blistering defense. I like the motivational gimmicks, too: robocalling the fans; preparing for each game like it’s the Super Bowl. With all his shit-talking and ego, Ryan brings a welcome WWE vibe to the NFL. It’s entertaining – the son of Buddy’s got his father’s fire, for sure. Nevertheless, I don’t see the Jets keeping up this torrid pace – I think they fall back to Earth aroun midseason. I know they beat the Pats but hey, Buffalo almost did, too. To me, that says less about Buffalo and the Jets and more about the Pats starting to fall apart.

• Anybody ever see this ill-advised NFL superhero comic that Marvel cooked up in the early 90s?  “SuperPro” only lasted 12 issues.

• Yankees fans, explain to me the appeal of Joba Chamberlain. I have a creeping suspicion that if his name was “Joe” and not “Joba,” you’d have lost patience with his inconsistency long ago. His ERA in his last eight starts is over 8. Feel good about him as the 4th starter heading into October? I wouldn’t.

• I like the Twins to come from behind and beat out Detroit for the AL Central in these last couple weeks. They’re 2.5 games back as of Tuesday and while the Tigers have an easier slate of games left than the Twins, but the two teams meet for a four game series in Detroit next week. At the very least, it’s the only race in baseball right now.

• I promised myself I would refrain from raiding Wyshynski’s column when writing these, but The Rock as a minor-league hockey player turned tooth fairy? Jesus. Time for me to write that Go-Bots script and cash in, I guess.

• Whether or not he starts off in the AHL, I  can see Theo Fleury scoring a goal or two for the Flames this year. He finally seems kinda focused – I guess being on the hook for alimony & child support will do that to you.

• Watching Ochocinco take the Lambeau Leap reminded me somehow of that dumb-yet-ballsy kid in 7th grade who ran into the girl’s bathroom on a dare: exciting somehow, but also terrible. Also, Packers, thanks for fucking up my survivor league in Week 2. You owe me five bucks, Aaron Rodgers.

Ok, that does it for me on this Tuesday afternoon. I think this is kinda the format I’m gonna work with here – a couple paragraphs of me bullshitting, then some bullet points – so lemme know what you think in the comments. Later dudes.