Growing up, I was weaned on a steady diet of thrash metal, epic movies, and high-fructose food products. I spent my afternoons hanging out with friends, listening to Rust in Peace, eating fattening food and jerking off to my Star Wars figures.  So it makes sense that the upcoming PS3/360 game, Brutal Legend, is a wet dream of mine realized in polygons.

The premise is metal nerd epicness. The main character Eddie Riggs, voiced by Jack Black, is a disenfranchised roadie for some shitty nu-metal band. He laments the birth of shitty turntable metal and harkens back to a better time.

Oh yeah, and then he’s crushed by a falling piece of a concert stage, and transported into a world where he is recognized as some prophesied warrior, set to…I don’t know fucking save something. The world, probably. I mean, c’mon, it’s an epic adventure.

The world it’s set in is ridiculous fanfare. It’s filled with grim reapers and huge sprawling metal monsters that launch fire out of every orifice. It’s fucking absurd. I recently rocked the demo and I did my best to fight the half-chubby that was growing in my pants.

It’s also sporting a ridiculous cast of voice actors. Aside from Jack Black, whose slap-sticky tomfoolery seems to have been created to play this part, the game’s voice acting features Lemmy, Ozzy, Halford, and geek comedian messiah Brian Posehn. Complimenting that is a soundtrack that promises a handjob to anyone who has ever worshipped the heavy metal thunder: King Diamond, the Scorpions (shut up you love them), Diamond Head, Mastodon, Testament, on and on into infinity. I can’t even list the line-up, it’s enormous and you’d get bored and tell me to fuck myself. Which you’re probably already thinking.

All of this would be a shiny bag of dogshit if that gameplay didn’t deliver. Worry not, followers of the shred. Tim Schafer is directing the game. If you’re into gaming, you’ve heard the guy’s name even if you haven’t played his games. I say this because while they’re all cult hits, they’ve sold cumulatively nine copies. Dude is the guy behind The Secret of Monkey Island, Grim Fandango, and Psychonauts. His resume reads like a fucking hit list of critical acclaim.

It’s a straight-up action/adventure gameplay that you’ve probably been raised on. It’s like Ocarina of Time with demons and Flying Vs instead of elves. It’s like Kingdom Hearts with tits and swearing instead of the odd homo-pedophilia between Sora and Donald. There’s juggling in it like Devil May Cry, but instead of slashing with a sword you uppercut the shit out of dudes with your giant axe.

No, not a guitar. You use that for stunning foes with electricity. I’m talking a straight-up axe that you snag out of the ground like it’s Excalibur.

In other words, it’s a highly refined version of the action/adventure gameplay you’ve rocked before. Except you’re sporting a sick leather vest, chin pubes, and an axe.

I can’t wait for this god damn game. Playing the demo only reassured me that Schafer’s knowledge of the metal universe as well as his ability to direct fucking optimum games will provide for awesomeness. Dust off your copy of Practice What You Preach, throw on your old Exodus t-shirt and get ready to fucking slay.

Brutal Legend drops on October 13 for both the PS3 and 360.