(My friend Kyle is guest editing today’s Roller-Fiction Retrospective. He’s seen more movies than God – Oh Mars)

1986′s Solarbabies chronicles the adventures of a group of rollerskating teenagers imprisoned in an orphanage run by the fascistic Eco Protectorate. The film stars Jason Patric and Jami Gertz, who would reunite the next year in Joel Schumacher’s seminal “Twilight” prequel “The Lost Boys,” and was directed by Alan Johnson, who for obvious reasons was never allowed to get behind a camera again after its release.

Moments after the title sequence (created in Microsoft Powerpoint!) ends we are introduced to the film’s rollerskating gimmick: the futuristic sport of Skateball, a Rollerballish mishmash of hockey and lacrosse. After narrowly defeating the state-sponsored Scorpions, the Solarbabies are pursued into a complex network of inexplicably smooth-floored caves, where the group’s youngest member discovers “Bodhai,” the narrative’s Deus Ex Retardica. As a glowing alien orb, it’s Bodhai’s duty to lead the ‘babies in a revolution against the obviously evil Eco Protectorate, which uses its monopoly of the world’s scarce water supply mostly to manufacture baby blue patent leather police uniforms and confine heartthrob celebuteens in an easily escapable hole-digging facility somewhere in the middle of the Nevada desert.

One of the film’s most exciting sequences takes the form of a chase between the Solarbabies and two motorcycle cops across the not-at-all sandy, rocky, or jagged desert floor which culminates in a genre-required death-defying leap. Cause if there’s one thing that roller skates can do which motorcycles can’t it’s go fast enough to make a totally sweet jump over a four foot long post-apocalyptic broken bridge.

After a series of perilous misadventures the Solarbabies eventually make it to the Eco Protectorate’s evil lair, where they defeat dozens of armed guards by taking advantage of the kind of speed and maneuverability that only a well-oiled pair of four-wheelers can provide. The climactic fight, which presciently involves a self-aware Torturebot 9000, ultimately concludes in two villain deaths that are way too violent for a kids movie and a vaguely sexual parting speech from the floating alien orb.

Solarbabies cements its position within the canon of post-apocalyptic rollerskating films through its strict adherence to genre conventions and complete lack of plausibility. Repeated viewings inspire audience members to experience a kind of delirious ecstasy that perfectly mirrored the mindsets of the film’s perpetually dehydrated and possibly mentally challenged characters and left me impatiently waiting for total environmental devastation and the inevitable realization of the film’s delightful vision of the future.

Our Roller-Fiction Retrospective continues tomorrow with The Rollerblade 7.

And in case you missed Part 1, Prayer of the Rollerboys, check it out here.

- Oh Mars