Fantastic Four #572
I’ve never been a zealous fan of the Fantastic Four. I haven’t read the classic Kirby stuff (I know, minus like a zillion nerd cred points), picked up the Jim Lee run during the Heroes Reborn bullshit, and I’ve floated in and out throughout the years. Nothing too special. I mean, sadly, the first thing I think of when someone says “Fantastic Four” is Dr. Doom riding the Silver Surfer’s surfboard and doing backflips and shit during the second movie. There’s nothing like Dr. Christian Troy doing cartwheels and shooting laserbeams to give a series cred.

So it’s with that in mind that I can tell you that the current arch on the Fantastic Four is worth checking out. Boys and girls, cats and dogs, lions and Christians, come together and try this. Even if you haven’t dug the Fantastic Four. The current team of Hickman and Eaglesham took over for Mark Millar back in issue #570. I was in the middle of one of my rare moments of reading Fantastic Four, since I pretty much sniff Mark Millar’s jockstrap with a smile. When he left, I was like, alright Mr. Richards and Sue Storm, it’s been real. But I’m droppin’ yo ass.

But Hickman and Eaglesham have come aboard and made this pig their own. The premise is trippy: Reed Richards, overwhelmed with attempting to solve the problems of the world, he comes into contact with the Council through some typical insane intergalactic bridge. They share his mutual impossible desire to fix the world, and oh yeah, the Council is comprised of seemingly dozens of Reed Richards from other dimensions. Their goal? Pretty simple: solve everything. Fuck the world man, they want to fix the multiverse. No wonder that dude went gray at the age of nineteen. I can’t handle the stress of remembering to shower every morning, these dudes wants to cure existence.

Issue #572 is the end of the first Hickman/Eaglesham storyline, and I really have no idea where they’re going with it. But it involves a legion of Mr. Fantastics locking up every Dr. Doom from every dimension in a place called the The Hole, and a band of pissed off Celestials coming to put a smack down on the Richards Brotherhood’s ass.

As a quick Near Mint Condition aside, do any other hardcore comic losers remember Fathom? I was flipping through the ole library, looking for my copies of the Hickman/Eaglesham run on Fantastic Four. I just wanted to flip through it while I was recommending it. And I came across motherfucking Fathom #1. And I laughed at my own dumb ass. I didn’t remember buying it, but it makes perfect sense. It came out in 1998, which means I was fifteen and my cock was aching for anything titties-related. I need to keep in mind every time that I hate on some big chested, ridiculously proportioned comic babe, I not only own Fathom #1, but also Danger Girl #1 and like its fifteen variant covers, but also Witchblade #1 amongst others.

It’s amazing what a newly pubescent dude will buy in the throes of teenage heat.

Anyways.

Cowboy Ninja Viking #1
Unfortunately for me, I haven’t grown out of my cock-rock, male adolescent desire to see strong amounts of violence in typical bad ass tropes. Like you know, cowboys, ninjas, and vikings. Well, someone has seen to it to combine the three of them into one character. The Cowboy Ninja Viking. How ridiculous is that? It makes so much god damn sense, why haven’t I thought of this before?

I thought to myself, this could either be the dopest thing ever, or it could be a bad combination of individually awesome things. Like that time I tried to make some fuckin’ chocolate chip cookie pizza. Doesn’t that shit make so much sense? Fuck!

Well anyways, I had never stumbled upon this title’s promos until I was scanning tomorrow’s release list. And then I googled it, and apparently? Apparently, according to IGN, this title is actually fucking sweet. It’s a mash-up of Tarantino-esque violence, homages, and non-linear storytelling. And in case you’ve forgotten, it stars a dude who is a Wolverine-lookalike with a cowboy hat and a ninja sword.

Fuck, if I could buy Fathom #1 back in the day, I can at least give this fucker a chance.