I kept having to swab the steam off my camera lens due to Soulclap turning Glasslands into a real sweat lodge. The non-assholes of Brooklyn tuned in, turned out and dropped in and then fucked up my camera lens with their precipitations.

I’d been sitting in my work dungeon, which is adjacent to my sleep dungeon, writing record reviews or some other stupid thing when Vidiot asked me to come to Soulclap with him. Our friend Ana Lola Roman was one of the judges at this particular one. That’s her above. She’s a fun lady in a band that reminds me of Lene Lovich and I usually have no idea what the fuck she is talking about. I interviewed her one time and she kept giving oblique answers that made little sense to me. She has good goth taste and makes people talk to her hands, as evidenced above.

This is Jonathan Toubin, the DJ of the Soulclap parties. He DJs almost every day. It may surprise some people to know that “Toubin” is not the name he was born with but rather a name he picked up in his fraternity days. He was constantly missing class so he could go tubin’.

Who is this handsome man? Why, it is OJ from Golden Triangle. Take all the breathers you need to take, you have earned them. Golden Triangle’s new record is coming soon and it is great and I wrote the press release one sheet for it.

Charly, Patrick and Chris Teenrager barged in, adding to the fun goofiness. Shit really got swinging once Jesse and Karen from Fostercare arrived. It was swinging so hard it was swangin’.

Soulclap is a dance party and it is also a dance contest and also you win money. Ex Mishka intern, Reid Maidhof’s cousin is the reigning champion of the event. Someone’ll safety pin a number to you and when the contest begins you have to dance as best you can with ten other people. Then they have a second round in which the winners of the first round face off. I used to be healthy and able to dance in a state of super aerobic frenzy for half hour stretches. Now it’s hard to get through one song. That could be due to poor ventilation in either the building or in me. I took the photo of the judges after losing my round. How could I lose? I always win at stuff! Next time I will win.

The winners came back into the circle of dance for one final prance.

This happened.

This happened too. Lying on the floor of Glasslands is a bad idea if you want your white clothes to maintain their integrity.

Look at all that boppin’ n’ floppin’.

This guy told me about the advantages of shaving the sides of your head. You can more easily tuck your hair under your hat when you have to look professional, he claimed.

Alaina was there wearing this shirt. What a great shirt! We danced around and then she invited me and some others to an after-after party at Market Hotel called Mister Saturday Night. When we got there I spent a half hour talking about Achewood and orphanges with a guy who was pretty nerdy and had a piece of cord for a belt.

Alaina ordered us to vacate the nerd hutch and go dance. These ladies were there.

And so was this guy. You can’t take a bad photo of this guy. His smile lights up my life.

The party kept moving into smaller and smaller spaces. I like that. There’s no privacy to be had in New York. I need more forts in my life. Jonathan was there looking a lot like Kramer. He called us all n-words and Wale made a rap about it.

- Toilet Cobra