Alkoholizer – Drunk or Dead (2009) [Punishment 18] // Grade: A-

Since I’m new to this site and ain’t nobody really tellin’ me what to do, for this review I’ma say fuck it and just post my listening notes for this wonderful chunk of beer-drenched thrashness. While it may not be the next Reign in Blood it’s definitely coming in in the top 5 thrash albums of the year. As with pretty much all bands I’ve never heard/heard of before, I gave this album a blind listen without doing any research. The album should speak for itself.  Turns out, there’s another Southern European thrash-revivalist enclave somewhere deep in the heart of Italy. And from this Enclave come the bastard children of Wehrmacht, DRI, and Slayer. Get these assholes to Germany and the next world war is on motherfuckers.

Right, so here’s the album notes in the their rawest, most unedited and brutal form. A track by track blow by blow if you will. And you fucking will goddamnit:

Alkoholizer – Drunk or Dead

Hmmm…drunk or dead…These guys aren’t Tankard fans are they?

1: What the fuck, is my goddamn radio broken? What the fuck am I getting myself into? Wait, is that the lone ranger theme? Meh, fuck it… Oh wait, I get it, the unforgiven!…right?  AHA!  IS THRASH TIME!

2: FUCK YEAH!  SLAYER AND BOOZE!  DRUNKEN BLOODY FIREDETH! Now this is the shit I’m talking about. Straight up, old school Araya-wailing, circle pittin, chantalong chorus, thrash insanity. Plus, the solos don’t suck and the riffs are heavy as shit. Stoked.

3: Man, it’s like someone gave Wehrmacht, Slayer, and DRI’s dayafter beershits an axe and some stix and said, go to fucking town.  Proper old school vox + gnarly riffage + catchy little ditty thrown randomly into the middle + Beer in the song title = a recipe for shredsess

4: God these fuckers really liked Seasons in the Abyss didn’t they?  You like Slayer?  You’ll love this shit.  If you’re drunk enough and you say Age of Misery fast enough it totally sounds like ANGEL OF MISERY maaaaan… Ooh, did I just hear an accent in there?  Are we getting more awesome foreign neothrash action?  Wait, did the dudes from Tankard have kids by any chance?

5: Why haven’t I written a book on Crossover yet?  Maybe I should start and use that shit as an excuse to get completely shithouse annihilated with these dudes somewhere in like Denmark or something.  Alkoholik Metal in-fucking deed.  If this shit doesn’t make your grin ear to beer you’re probably dead or a reaganite or something.  Fuck you die.

6: What pisses me off about alot of death and grind is that dudes who go for complete fucking broke on speed and brutality usually wind up losing that crucial thing that just makes you wanna run around in circles headbanging like a fucking moron and breaking shit.  This shit’s just about as fast as fast gets yet somehow it all holds together like fuck.  Listening to this shit makes me wish I was like fucking 15 and just discovering Ride the Lightning man as opposed to watching a bunch of fat bald jackasses put out an album of protools greatest shits.

7: MORE FUCKING SLAYER straight on down to the song title.  Man, give me like 3 or 4 more beers and I’ll swear to Satan himself that there was a “Resuscitate” on South of Heaven.  Also, whatever the fuck they’re doing to get that guitar that fucking compressed is the shit.  It hurts to even think about.

8: Ha, what the fuck is this?  A crossover jam about your grandma’s shoes?  Man, there’s a reason I almost never read the lyrics to metal songs…  I really hope these assholes play NY soon.

9: I wonder what this song is gonna sound like?  Hmmm…the title is “Thrash Metal.” I’ll bet it’s a ska jam. It’s a rare fucking band that can take me to the 2nd to last song of a thrash album without boring the shit out of me. This shit gets my fucking approval.

10:  Oh man, they totally waited til the end to drop in the harmonized Arayascream. These fuckin’ guys…Crazy antics abound. The only thing this needs to jump one notch up the “best thrash album of the year” list is a major fucking Divebomb.

All in all this was one of the most fun 32 minutes of music I’ve listened to in ages. Totally unapologetic, booze-fueled, euro, crossover thrash. Somewhere in Europe the spirit of Wehrmacht and Tankard is alive and doing Jäger shots right now.

END OF NOTES

Yes that is actually the shit I write down when I’m writing a review.  No edits, no shit.  Congratulations Bloglin, you’ve got a 10 year short bus veteran with hesh addiction on your hands.  Good fucking luck.

EDIT: Oh holy shit, I just saw the album cover for the first time when I hit preview this post.  Fucking JACKPOT.  Who the hell are these cretins?  Amazing.  That shit’s like the DM throwing you the +5 flaming elvish sword of shreddage.

- Jack Crank