Olympic hockey is damn near upon us. As of yesterday, each nation’s provisional roster is set, and the personnel choices made by the 12 competing countries can’t have been easy to make. The general managers aren’t just picking from slow-but-powerful fatties, average mediums, and speedy little toothpicks, a la NES Ice Hockey.

Come to think of it, though, Brian Burke (USA), Steve Yzerman (CAN) and the rest of the national GMs kinda are trying to get the right fat-regular-skinny ratio. So even though we’re a month and a half out – the first game is USA-Switzerland on the 16th of February; here’s the full schedule – let’s assess the entrants. We’ll start today with the United States and Canada, then hit the Swedes, Finns, Czechs and Russians in another entry. No promises about getting to teams like Switzerland and Belarus and Latvia, but I’ll give it a shot.

UNITED STATES
I’d be real excited if Team USA was chock full of chunky Mario lookalikes with blistering slap-shots, but I guess we’re stuck with fat asshole Phil Kessel and skinny asshole Patrick Kane. Those dudes aside, however, the US has assembled a pretty likable team with a halfway decent shot at a medal. An very outside shot, but a shot. To give the team a pulse, Brian Burke cleaned house, kicking much of the old guard to the curb in favor of young guns like Zach Parise and Dustin Brown. Yo peace Mike Modano – you’re 39 and boring.

Burke’s youth movement hit the blueline, too, with newcomers Erik Johnson and Ryan Suter making the cut. (Fun fact that you will most assuredly hear about in every single broadcast of every single US game: Suter’s dad was on the 1980 “Miracle on Ice” US team, and his uncle was on the US silver medal team in 1988.) Unlike the ’06 team, which featured dinosaurs like Chris Chelios,  age 44 at the time, the average age of this year’s incarnation is approximately 26. But even with the new blood, if the Americans are to enjoy success against the powerhouse Canadian and Russian teams – not to mention the defending gold medalist Swedes – they’ll need their goaltending to be the difference. Luckily, Ryan Miller’s playing out of his mind this year, flopping around like a goddamn maniac in the crease to make saves like this one, and Tim Thomas has picked it up lately, too. And hey, how can the Americans lose when their Nike-designed uniform incorporates this unlikely design in the sleeves:

Crammed with more symbols than a box of Lucky Charms, according to Nike the print includes:

• The Statue of Liberty, represented by the torch
• Stars and stripes representing the 50 American states
• The date of the signing of the Declaration of Independence
• Decorative elements from our nation’s currency
• The olive branch and arrows from the talons of the American eagle in the Presidential seal
• Celtic, African and Native American symbols and influences
• A bleeding heart representing Hispanic culture

With that kind of talismanic buffet, the US can’t lose…  right? Well, no. I don’t see any Wheaties boxes in this team’s future, but Team USA should play hard and make it interesting.

CANADA
Team Canada’s biggest challenge might be the weight of the outsized expectations under which the team will labor. Not only will the Canadians be playing on home ice in front of millions of hosers hungry for gold, they’ve historically enjoyed the most success at the sport, racking up more medals than any other country. So yeah, stakes are high – but Canada’s stacked, as befits a nation that’s put the game on its currency.

The scoring talent assembled here is staggering: Crosby, Thornton, Iginla, Heatley, Marleau, Nash… the list goes on. And because of that overwhelming firepower, Yzerman didn’t feel he needed the offensive talents of Mike Green or Jay Bouwmeester on the blueline, relying on solid bruisers like Shea Weber and Chris Pronger instead. Fair enough – but some were surprised by the choice of 20-year-old Drew Doughty for the last D spot over Bouwmeester or a veteran stalwart like Dion Phaneuf. If this team falters, the second-guessing could get loud across the northen border. But realistically, a collapse would be shocking. Remember, other countries are gonna have to score on Marty Brodeur to win. The NHL’s all-time shutout leader has already won gold for Canada, back in 2002 in Utah.

Team Canada is gonna be fun to watch. As I was telling My Pal the Crook, this is the kind of team you want to play as on NHL 10. And I like the way that NHL teammates have been kept together – Marleau, Thornton, and Heatley; Getzlaf and Perry; Keith and Seabrook. These units will have an instant familiarity with each other, while other national teams may play like glorified pick-up teams. At any rate, the Canadians have to be considered the favorites. I’m from Buffalo, so by osmosis I’ve memorized the lyrics to “O Canada.”  I imagine I’ll be hearing those familiar strains for the True North at the end of the medal ceremony next month.

Ok, more later. Meanwhile, knock yourself out with Vancouver 2010 mascots Quatchi, Miga, and Sumi in their very own unamusing flash game, “Quatchi’s Shootout Shutout.”

- Caps