Yo it’s cold as hell outside. And I’m only typing to you from kinda cold New York – not even Nebraska or North Dakota, where it’s for-real cold, four degrees Fahrenheit. Unfortunately, neither North Dakota nor Nebraska has an NFL franchise, let alone one of the elite eight playing in this weekend’s wild card matchups. That’s too bad, cause one of the most appealing aspects of playoff football is watching some cold-ass game from your warm-ass couch. Alas, two of this weekend’s four contests are gonna be picture-perfect – Philly-Cowboys in Dallas’ new dome, and Packers-Cardinals from Arizona – and neither Cincinnati nor Foxboro is scheduled to be hit by a freak blizzard, so no snow globe theatrics on deck. But nevertheless, snow or no snow, playoff football beckons.

JETS vs. BENGALS
Hell of a ride for the Jets, huh? Up, down, sideways – and somehow, despite their own coach writing them off, they sneak into the playoffs in Week 17. Hell, I’m impressed; I didn’t think they had it like that. The thing about the Jets is that once you get past Rex “the Hutt” Ryan’s theatrics – news today is that he’s already planning the Super Bowl parade – he’s put together a deceptively strong squad. First in rushing offense, first in total defense, first in passing D. Hey, they got players: Revis may be the best corner in the game, Thomas Jones is no joke, Nick Mangold clogs up the center. So if Sanchez can avoid throwing it to the dudes in black and orange like he did last week, New Jersey’s got a nice shot at advancing.

Still, I like the Bengals, man. Who dey? Just the AFC Central champs. Anyone out there see that one coming? I didn’t. With the ball, Carson Palmer pilots a powerful offense built around Cedric Benson, and Ochocino and Hoooshmazode (championship!) are kinda like the textbook definition of “savvy vets” at this point. And on defense, Coach Lewis has had Cincy playing big all year. With Domata Peko coming back from injury to anchor the D line, I think they’ll be ready for the Jets’ run game. Standout rookie linebacker Ray Maualuga was lost for the season a couple weeks back, but they’ve got good depth. And don’t underestimate the emotional power of playing at home in front of a playoff-starved fanbase that hasn’t seen their team in a postseason game since 2005.

I’m calling this one for the Bengals. But if you’ve been keeping tabs on my hockey predictions – fuck you, Maple Leafs – you realize that means that the Jets are the smart play. Let’s say Cincy, 24-14.

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EAGLES vs. COWBOYS
This is the marquee matchup; there’s a reason it’s scheduled for Saturday night. These NFC East rivals hate each other, their fans hate each other, and I wouldn’t be surprised if each team’s beat reporters were kinda snarly, too. The enmity is the result of years and years of friction – the two teams meet twice a year, of course – but somewhat surprisingly, there hasn’t been an Eagles-Cowboys playoff game since 1995 – which is just about the last time the Cowboys won a playoff game, come to think of it.

Yeah, at home in their new billion-dollar palace, Wade Phillip’s Cowboys are under a lot of pressure to win today, as it’s been 14 years since (so-called) America’s Team has notched a victory in the postseason. Lose this, and Jerry’ll be pissed – which is reason enough to hope Philly pulls an upset. And it would be an upset, too – not only are the Eagles on the road, Tony Romo and company closed the season with real verve. They beat up the Eagles last week, and while I’d love to be wrong so I could watch Jones’ face melt on national TV, I think the Cowboys’ll do it again. I’m calling it Dallas, 34-20.

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RAVENS vs. PATRIOTS
I suppose Baltimore fans have earned the right to dress up like middle-aged juggalos; after all, the Ravens headed back to the playoffs once again, and it ain’t like the Orioles are getting to October anytime soon. Led to a 9-7 record and the #5 slot by second-year QB Joe Flacco, the Ravens rode their familiar formula to January football: i.e., Ray Lewis, bruising defense, competent offense. In fact, with Ray Rice playing so well and “Blind Side”-inspiration Michael Oher anchoring the line as a rookie, maybe this incarnation of the Ravens is more offensively explosive than we’re used to.

Meanwhile, the horrible tattoo above kinda sums up the Patriots’ season so far: shitty and repulsive. Ok, maybe that’s a little overstated – but still, it hasn’t been the usual cakewalk that Tom Brady’s accustomed to. And yeah, I know that winning a division championship is kind of a big deal – if it happened in Buffalo, we’d rip down the goalposts like ’88 – but are Patriots fans really satisfied with division championships anymore? I feel pretty confident in saying that like Jared Leto in Requiem for a Dream, these motherfuckers need bigger and better thrills, and they’re damn near ready to amputate their junk-rotted arms for another Super Bowl fix. With Wes Welker’s ligaments in shreds following last week’s game, Brady’s safety blanket has been yanked away. And while he’s still got Randy Moss looming deep, look for Baltimore to try to make ol’ Tom extremely uncomfortable. Think Ray Lewis doesn’t know that Brady’s been playing hurt all year? I’m sure he’s twitching with excitement at the thought of smacking #12 in the mouth.

When these teams met earlier this year, victory eluded Baltimore thanks to Mark Clayton letting a pass bounce off his hands in the waning minutes. This time, the weakened Pats aren’t so lucky – Baltimore, 20-17.

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PACKERS vs. CARDINALS
Like me, you probably didn’t think dudes in Arizona were so focused, but this guy is proof positive that they’re not fucking around. Unlike their Super Bowl opponents, the Cards scratched and clawed their way back to the playoffs, ready to defend their conference crown.  Unlike last year, however, they’re not sneaking under anyone’s radar this time. Nevertheless, the script has stayed the same: Kurt Warner drops back and finds Larry Fitzgerald or Anquan Boldin on offense, while DT Darnell Docket and strong safety Adrian Wilson hold down the defense. It was good enough to win the NFC East, but I’m not sure that means a whole hell of a lot.

Green Bay is perhaps the toughest wild card team of the bunch. Led by Aaron Rodgers, who’s done his damnedest to make folks forget about #4 in Wisconsin, the Packers are capable of putting up a lot of points in a hurry. Even though their offensive line played like hell for the first three-quarters of the season, Rodgers still fired 30 touchdowns and only 7 picks. It’s a balanced attack: take away Greg Jennings and Donald Driver, and you’ll get Ryan Grant instead. Fuckin a. Packers’ defense ain’t exactly shabby, either; rookie LB Clay Matthews just got named to the Pro Bowl, and Charles Woodson is all-planet at corner.

The Cardinals lost 4 games at home this year. They’ll lose another one – Green Bay, 30-21.

Ok, see you in the comments after all these predictions explode in my face like a vat of meth.