I love Star Wars too much and have been wasting my limited amount of money and time on this Earth pursuing colorful objects related to the marketing marvel/film series for a few years now. I’m obligated to write for the Bloglin and I’ve run out of ideas so I’m just going to revert to what I do best; be a gigantic loser who stays indoors and obsessed over objects in an attempt to avoid human contact. Humans…they disappoint on every occasion but my Star Wars dolls will never betray me or complain about my bad cooking. Here are the ten objects that make life bearable for me.

10) Custom Disneyland Blanket

This is my Star Wars blanket featuring me and my main man/monster, The Vidiot. I got this made after riding Star Tours at Disneyland. People usually assume that I am actually wearing that costume and it’s eerie how Carrie Fisher and I have the exact same hands. Also no one ever recognizes the guy I’m with as being Vidiot.

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9) My Jabba the Hutt set-up

I traded in two and a half suitcases full of comic books to Jim Hanleys in order to get the Jabba doll and throne. Jabba, his dais, Bib Fortuna, Leia in her Boushh disguise and the little vermin of Jabba’s palace are all by Sideshow Toys. Boba Fett and Slave Leia are by Kenner. The background is a colorforms board that was found in the trash. I used to stare at this thing for hours when life got too hard. My eyes would unfocus and I would be transported into a world where everyone spoke like they had the intelligence of nine year olds and bathrooms don’t exist. A world where a giant slug monster is somehow capable of lusting after a human woman.

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8) Sigma C-3PO tape dispenser

I’d been coveting this perverse Japanese item for years before I was able to find one at an affordable price. Sigma, a Japanese company that makes porcelain stuff, produced a bunch of really cool Star Wars items back in the early eighties. The other item from this series that people know is the Taun Taun teapot where the tea comes out of the Taun Taun’s mouth, making it appear that your tea is being vomited into a cup. There’s nothing I don’t like about this tape dispenser but what I like the most is that Star Wars’ gayest character is reclining on his back, inviting you to reach out and pull something from between his legs. Also it is beautiful to look at. These things smash easily so they aren’t as common as old Chewbacca action figures with bit marks on their heads.

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7) Star Wars Record Tote

This record tote was only available from Disney theme parks in the eighties. I used to bring it with me when I DJed vinyl records so long ago.

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6) Kenner Large Size Boba Fett doll

Besides the gay tape dispenser, Kenner’s large size (not 12″) Boba Fett from the original line was something I wanted for much of my high school years. This thing is like fifteen inches tall, comes with a detachable belt, wookiee scalps, a belt, a cape, a gun and a complicated and easily breakable rocket pack. It even has a little hole in the back of his head so you can see what he sees through a little sneaky scope. God this thing is so wonderful. I also like the inconsistencies between the movie costume and this doll. Those big red and yellow bricks on his forearms are pretty goofay. I cuddle with this guy.

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5) Mace Windu light saber

I went to a comic convention to interview cast members from The Warriors when I ran into those guys who do light saber sword fights like it’s the renaissance faire. After watching them perform choreographed light saber battles they had a trivia contest which I won, not that impressive when you consider I was competing mostly against children. I won by answering these questions correctly

“What was the name of the cantina band?”
“What was their race?”
“What device do the Jedi use to communicate information to future generations?”

The answers are obviously “Figran Dan and the Model Nodes”, “the Bith” and “holochron.”

As I received my Mace Windu lightsaber I held it over my head and shouted, “I have taken toys out of the hands of children!” As I walked back to my seat some child asked if he could have it and his overindulgent mother told him to shut up. It was such a good moment for me.

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4) Emperor Palpatine shirt from 1995

I got this in a bargain bin at Jim Hanley’s Univere for like eight dollars. Even though it had never been worn it immediately started disintegrating and turning into cobwebs. It kinda fits considering the person on the shirt. It’s inner evil is turning it into a shroud. It’s impossible to find non-ugly Star Wars shirts these days. Even those Ecko Star Wars shirts were kinda ugly. Minimal text, great painting of the Emperor, that’s all I want.

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3) A Signed Copy of the First Edition of the Star Wars Encyclopedia

For a long time this was the Star Wars Encyclopedia. Recently a n updated three volume set was released, making this thing outdated. I think the whole idea of educating yourself about a universe that doesn’t exist is pretty stupid. The alien races and planets are created as needed to serve the story. Or they were in the original films. The prequels just shoved in as many as they could as fast as they could. Anyway this book was a Star Wars Fan Club exclusive about twenty years ago and I have one. Fuck you, other people.

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2) Almost Complete Run of Bantha Tracks

This was the Star Wars newsletter which began it’s existence before Empire Strikes Back started shooting. In one of the early issues George Lucas states that there will be twelve Star Wars movies. Later he claimed that he never said there would be nine, but right here in his own fucking magazine he said twelve. If you ever run into the guy tell him, “YOU SAID TWELVE, YOU RICH MONSTER!”

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1) Barfing Jabba the Hutt toy with photo of me kissing Mikhail’s wife in it’s mouth.

This action figure was packaged with a little bucket of green Jabba puke with plastic Star Wars vermin floating in it. When you squeeze his head it makes him vomit up. Not enough puking dolls in Star Wars. I wish all the Star Wars dolls puked. I wish you could squeeze Darth Vader’s chest and brown shit would ooze out of his triangular face grill. “Luke I am your Fath-achkoffggggg-GOFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!” Then the puke loosens Luke’s grip on that rod and he falls down the big Bespin air duct wondering what was on Darth Vader’s mind before he puked on him. Also I am tossing much game at My Pal The Crook’s wife and she is responding warmly, happy to get hitted on by a real man for once. Whenever I get angry at him I just look above my desk where this beast lives and realize that I could bone his wife if I had to take revenge for whatever transgressions might occur between us.

May the Force go with you!

- Toilet Cobra