In every thrift store across this great nation, there are used copies of Jerry Maguire on VHS. The sides of the box are red with white font, so they’re easy to spot amongst the other forgotten tapes. It’s not a bad movie, everyone on the planet just seemed to have a copy of it when they upgraded to DVD. As I write this, the folks at Everything Is Terrible have 332 copies of this Cameron Crowe classic stored in their Chicago headquarters. Their goal is to have the largest collection of Jerry Maguire tapes in the history of mankind. But why? Well…why not?

Maguire isn’t the only VHS tape collected by the EIT collective and if you’ve been on the internet during the past two years, chances are you’ve come across some of their bizarrely nostalgic VHS edits. Most of the videos used by EIT are from the mid-80s to early 90s and reflect how far we’ve come and how ridiculous our culture can be. The popularity of this “found footage” is slowly on the rise, but it would mean nothing without the wizards behind the curtain using their keen eye for crap to patiently sift through and make it watchable. Turning a corporate training video into a piece of comedic genius takes time and balls. Recently, one of EIT‘s videos, “So Your Cat Wants a Massage?,” went hyper-viral and landed the video’s star, Maryjean Ballner, on Letterman. The planets of media culture are alligning, my friends.

The folks at EIT gave their eyes and sanity a break and talked the minutea of their craft and the VHS culture with me. One of their members, Lehr the Intern, is busy shooting a project and was unable to participate. But hit the jump below and read all about everything that is Everything Is Terrible!

Who am I speaking with?

The Airwave Ranger.

You are speaking with Future Schlock.

Defenestrator III: On Broken Glass.

Burger Tatercasserole, Assistant to Yonder Vittles.

COMMODORE GILGAMESH!

Ghoul Skool!

Did any of you have a “gateway video;” a video that sparked your obsession? For me it was this one called Safe Kids: The Long Way Home, starring the youngest kid from Home Improvement.

AR: During college we found Andy and The Airwave Rangers and Hollywood Cop. This cemented my interest.

FS: For me, the gateway video was one called Rock Music and the Occult, later made into an EIT video of the same name.

DIII: It was the 90s anti-drug PSA Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue. I remember watching it as a child when it originally aired but it’s message was lost on me then. At the time, I was excited that all my favorite cartoon characters were in one show, but all they did was stand around and lecture some kid about drugs. I rediscovered it in college where it was a free rental at the local video store. By that point, I could appreciate the ridiculousness of cartoon characters holding a psychedelic intervention for a child smoking Death incarnate.

BT: Mike Setkus’ 16th Birthday Party.

CG: Singing Babies!

GS: Well, I just bought this tape you speak of via ‘The Net’, so thanks for the tip! My first gem would have to be this tape I saw in 1st grade called The Danger Zone (maybe?) where this superhero sings to kids about being careful when exiting a bus. Even as a lad I could still see that I was being pandered to, and I knew someday I’d get my revenge on that now late 50′s out-of-work actor. How dare someone tell me when and where to step off a bus.

Speaking of, a lot of celebs make appearances in these videos. Do you see this as low or high for most of them? Henry Winkler did some of his best work post-Happy Days work in VHS.

AR: I think people forget how boring it must be to be a C list celebrity who only works a few times a year. I think they just like to stay busy. It’s not really a matter of above or below them, it’s a retirement plan for shitty actors.

FS: I’d have to say lows, honestly. But if no one’s career ever declined, we’d be fucked.

DIII: If it’s late in their career, it’s definitely a low point. If it’s early, I give them a pass. The most interesting ones are when a celebrity is promoting a pet cause, usually child safety, the environment or gambling. Their heart is in the right place but it still ends up with them teaching kids to call for help with guttoral sounds followed by a man singing a song about penises.

BT: Whenever Mr. Vittles has company over he likes to pop in a kids safety video featuring a celebrity from the early 90s. Jason Priestly’s gun safety videos are always favorites.

CG: A high! I think that wonderful period of over VHSing of people was a really great opportunity for our favorite celebs to show off just how much they know about the world, and it was a great learning opportunity for the rest of us too!

GS: If you’re referring to Strong Kids, Safe Kids, then yes. Aside from Don ‘The Dragon’ Wilson, and Dr. Saul, I couldn’t care less who’s in what. We here at EIT are all pretty strong Marxist Feminists, and believe that no matter the job, as long as you’re working for someone else- then we’re all prostitutes.

Is there ever any online shopping for VHS, or is it all gambling on thrift stores? Do people ever send you VHS as a donation? Sometimes I just go on Amazon and type open-ended shit like “A Teen’s Guide to…”

AR: All of the above, Amazon is dangerous, even at their cheapest, when you add in shipping you’re paying $4 a tape. Basically wherever VHS tapes are still sold you can find this type of garbage. Our fans have been especially great helping us sift through the trash for the most Terrible of nuggets.

FS: We do shop online for VHS; it’s more expensive, but has a higher success rate than thrift store hunts typically do. If I have an idea for a themed video I go straight to eBay.

DIII: Yes, while most of our tapes come from thrift stores or closing video stores, we have gotten a lot of great finds from Amazon and eBay. We have had some people give us VHS donations in the past and now we are actively asking people to send us their tapes (especially Jerry Maguire!).

BT: I have worked for Yonder Vittles for over a year now, and second-hand shops are the only places that filthy pervert buys anything.

CG: I do all of my tape buying in the real world nowadays! Who has money to pay $3 for a tape on Amazon?! Plus, I love the hunt!

Are there any genres any of you prefer more than others? Christian, exercise, child safety, etc.

AR: I personally have always enjoyed movies about the near future in Los Angeles.

FS: My personal favorites are the Christian childrens’ and the dating/flirting how-to subgenres.

DIII: My favorites are “hip” videos, the ones that use awful rap and “radical” slang to connect with the youth of today, and videos with stupid concepts that become more stupid and ridiculous from poor execution and horrible ideas. How to Have Fun with Billy Bob Teeth is a good example of latter.

BT: Christian puppet videos are the best, and always a hit with the kids.

CG: I do a lot of creep-hosted children’s entertainment! Usually they are dressed as a sexy construction worker or wizard, which always makes it more fun for me!

GS: I love anything that really went out of its way to be boring. Someday soon I will post ‘Clipping Coupons for Fun and Profit’ but until that day just try to imagine how boring it is.

Have you ever come across a video that you found impossible to edit into a watchable piece of humor? Has there been one that just overpowered you?

AR: Absolutely, the vast majority of the time the videos are just overwhelmingly boring.

FS: All the time, but it’s usually because they are just plain boring. Not everything bad is Terrible.

DIII: Absolutely, all the time. Seminars and lectures are extremely painful to sit through as are most exercise videos. There might be some great moments in these tapes, but you have to sit through two soul crushing hours to find it. When we started out, sometimes I would have to go through 4 or 5 tapes to find something interesting, but now I’ve been able to use most of the tapes I watch. I don’t know if my selection has gotten better or if I’ve become completely desensitized to awfulness.

BT: Hell no. I’ve never seen a tape that’s licked ole’ Yonder Vittles. The EIT offices are stocked with the most spaced age tecknology that can turn terds into TERRIBLE! no problem.

CG: So many times! I have tapes that sit and wait for the world! I have personal hang-ups too. I still haven’t made it all the way through Sweet Potato Pie, but goddamn it, I love what I’ve seen of that lil’ turd! There are others that would bring on the end of times! For those, we wait!

GS: ALL THE FUCKING TIME. The Christmas stuff was such a good example of that. We spent so much time collecting titles like ‘Santa’s Workout’ and ‘Max Headroom’s Christmas’- only to realize how truly depressing and unwatchable 99.9999% of it was. Not to come off as a dick, but considering we made 30 minutes worth of truly funny material out of so much stupid shit should earn us a Nobel Peace Prize. Or at the very least, World’s Coolest Dad.

Do you think the VHS culture can be compared to vinyl purists; those who choose to get their rocks off using what other consider archaic and who ferociously seek out the forgotten and obscure?

AR: For sure, most of us collect all sorts of ephemera including vinyl, furniture, art, etc. I think with music there is a bond with an artist or a song or a genre that exists already, with VHS we are still discovering genres and actors that. So its not as much looking for specifics as it is trying everything and seeing where the gold is.

FS: Hmmm, good question. Sort of, since it is a big pissing content to see whose taste in crap is the most refined. But vinyl purists seek out specific records, and we don’t go looking with anything more than broad categories in mind. Also, VHS enthusiasts take pride in being masochistic, being able to watch the most tedious videos all the way through. Outside of the Shaggs, there isn’t really a musical equivalent of that.

DIII: In some ways, but vinyl is more about sound quality and nobody can say that things look better on VHS. I think for us we’ve latched onto VHS because the format has been synonymous with forgotten oddities that simply cannot be found on any other format. Most vinyl albums can be found in other formats, while VHS is usually the only way to see these videos. Nostalgia is also a part of it, because VHS is what we were raised on.

BT: We collect VHS tapes because the are the ultimate medium. They are not archaic. They do not skip when you reach the climax of the movie.

CG: Well, I doubt VHS will ever be considered cool, but there are certainly similarities! Like, for example, how both vinyl and VHS are the highest quality means for delivering audio and video respectively!

GS: To quote the great Tom Scharpling, ‘We’re all mutants…’ Meaning whether you’re into collecting ICP records or Velvet Underground bootlegs – there’s really no difference in terms of how obsessed we all are with something. I guess it’s safe to say it’s comparable, but either way I’m genuinely afraid of someday finding myself on ‘Hoarders: The Year 2525.’

Is there a time period that stands out in your minds as the golden age of terrible?

AR: 1988-1996, I would come home from school and find VHS tapes in the mail from the gas company, or AOL. I mean these were free and someone produced, cast, shot, distributed these pieces of shit by the millions.

FS: Approximately 1989-1998.

DIII: Probably 89-91. It had the worst aspects of both decades. When most people think something is very 80s, it’s most likely early 90s.

BT: It is best to allow the TERRIBLE! to marinate for 15 to 20 years before processing.

CG: I go back and forth on this one… I wanna say 1993, but every year seems worse than the last! I mean the Terrible makers just never learn! It is great!

GS: 1986!!!

What do you guys consider “low-brow?” Like are potty training videos the dick and fart jokes of EIT?

AR: No way potty-training can be funny. For the most part I steer clear of obvious genres where terrible is already a part of the language. Blaxploitation, kung-fu, bollywood, it’s not that they are low-brow, it’s just they are far far too easy.

FS: In my experience the cheaper the laugh, the better it tends to play, especially on Youtube and with live audiences (you can read whatever type of social commentary you want into that one), so we don’t shy away from cheap laughs. “Do Not Hug This Man” is the best example of this; we almost didn’t post that one for being “too easy,” and it was huge. Lesson learned.

DIII: Yes, potty training videos and anything involving testicles are very easy targets. We don’t really have have high and low standards. If it’s funny or creepy, preferably both, it works for us.

BT: We do not use Richard Simmons videos.

CG: Low-brow?

GS: I am a little embarrassed for posting the potty video since that sort of this is not at all my ‘style’- but you have to admit that video was pretty insane. I also hate how ‘dick’ and ‘fart’ jokes are always bundled together. I can’t stand poop humor, but find me a good dick VHS, and I’ll watch the shit out of it and post it by tomorrow.

What’s Duane up to nowadays?

AR: He’s my coke dealer.

FS: No idea. We’ve tried to find him, but his full name isn’t in the credits. If we were to find him, it would pretty much make my life.

DIII: We would like to know ourselves but have not been able to find a way to track him down. Hopefully if we do find him, he will be flattered and not completely creeped out, though either response works for us.

BT: Entertaining the shit out of us.

CG: He’s frozen in our lab!

GS: Since he hasn’t responded to any of his new found fame, we have no choice but to assume he overdosed on being so cool and died some time in the late 90′s.

What’s left to find out there?

AR: Adult Duane, I think I would quit life if I ever got to dance with him.

FS: An immense pile of shit goes straight to DVD these days. Terrible will never die, just change forms.

DIII: You would be surprised. I’m constantly surprised by new finds. You don’t know what’s out there until you find it.

BT: The future lies in home video. Think of all the pathetic birthday celebrations and depressing retirement parties preserved for the ages in beautiful VHS.

CG: Everything motherfuckoos!

GS: As long as there are Jerry Maguire tapes collecting dust in thrift store shelves and uncle’s basements, then we cannot rest.

- Oh Mars