Johnny Ryan Has Too Much Time Budgeted for Making Fun of Me
Every few weeks I send out a self promotional email to all my friends. Most people tell me that they like them. Michael Cohn (AKA Shark) doesn’t like them, but I can’t tell if that guy has a personality or not. My guess is that he sleeps in a closet, standing up, his eyes wide open.
Another guy who hates my emails is cartoonist, Johnny Ryan. He usually just responds with words like “Yughhh” but this time he rewrote my entire email with his trademark Johnny R. humor. He even referred to Mikhail Bortnik as “Diksmell Fartdik.” which I encourage everyone to embrace as Mikhail’s new name.
This is a long post so check for my original email and Johnny Ryan’s version after the break.
Here is my original e-mail:
I’m still working hard. Here’s new things I’ve done in the past couple of weeks. I got a new camera and I’ve been taking a lot of photos.
VICE
Vice Record Reviews for January
I wrote the reviews for Skeleton Warrior, Children of Bodom, ANS, Cannabis Corpse, Immortal, Carnivores, Dinowalrus, Spiderbags, David Bowie, Hiroshima Rocks Around/Bipolar Bear and Air Waves. Mikhail Bortnik, Mishka co-founder, has too much free time and left a lot of insulting comments on this anonymously. It was clearly him because the IP addresses were from the neighborhoods that his home and the Mishka office are located in.
20 Old Pornos
Matt bought a bunch of old porno VHS tapes to use for video editing purposes. The labels and titles are pretty, funny and interesting so look at them here.
Later, Hustler mentioned it on their blog. They describe the VHS tapes titles as “unnerving.”
I Was A Nuclear Reactard
My friend Quincy told me that she worked in a Nuclear Power Plant in college so I encouraged her to write about it for Vice. I took the photo that accompanies the article.
Four Good bands @ Death By Audio
Here are my photos and captions of a bunch of bands playing at Death By Audio last Thursday.
Vice Comics
1) Matthew Thurber
2) Harvey James
—–
МИШКА BLOGLIN
A Few of My Favorite Star Wars Things
I wrote about my ten favorite Star Wars items. I hope it makes you laugh instead of cry.
A Few of My Favorite Records
I wrote about my favorite records. This is about object adoration more than music appreciation.
—–
OTHER WORK
Gang Bang Bong
I have a five page comic in this new comic anthology called Gang Bang Bong which was edited and published by the talented and adorable Ines Estrada.
Metropolis Fest Flyer
I drew a poster for an all day event being hosted by a clothing store.
Ease DaMan Comics
I did these comics for the Мишка Blog but they didn’t think they were funny.
F Haus Mural
I drew a mural on a wall at a place called the F Haus.
Yeti Eight
I am in Yeti Eight.
Spider Bags 7″ That I Did The Cover For Is Out.
And it was the Vice cover of the month.
—–
HONORABLE MENTIONS
Beautiful Decay Blog Mention
Beautiful Decay was a magazine, now it’s an art journal book periodical. They posted some of my drawings and said nice shit about me.
And here’s Johnny Ryan’s attempt at jazzing it up:
I’m still stroking it hard. Here’s new things I’ve sucked in the past couple of weeks. I got a new dildo and I’ve been taking a lot of shits.
SLICE
Big Cock Reviews for Manuary
I wrote the reviews for Cum Warrior, Children of With Bosoms, ANUS, Cannopiss Corpse, Quimmortal, Carniwhores, Dinoballrus, Spiderfags, David Bowlie, Homoshima Rocks Analround/Bisexualpolar Bear and Brown Air Waves. Diksmell Fartdik, Mushkunt co-founder, has too much spank time and left a lot of insulting sperm on on my face anonymously. It was clearly him because his DICK TIP tasted so good.
20 Old Homos
Splatt bought a bunch of old tampons to use for anal purposes. The labels and titles are pretty shitty, unfunny and uninteresting so look at them here.
Later, Turd Hustler mentioned it on their blog. They describe the VagHoleS as “cumdinner.”
I Was A Gook Burglar.
My asshole Quimsy told me that she took it in the shitpipe in a Pupic Power Plant in Anal college so I encouraged her to lick rat ass. I took the photo that accompanies the article.
Four Good bowel movements @ Death By Anal
Here are my balls and peepeescabs of a bunch of shit kissers playing with their meat flaps at Death By Anal last Turdsday.
Sliced Corn
1 Fartpew Gurbler
—–
MUSHKUNT LOGS
A Few of My Favorite Cock Rings
I wrote about my ten favorite Star Wars buttplugs. I hope it makes your cock cry white tears
A Few of My Favorite Assholes to Suck
I wrote about my favorite pink pickles. This is about my momma’s abortion more than jock strap appreciation.
—–
OTHER PORK
Big Hanging Dong
I have a ten fingered stroke style in this new cockthology called Big Hanging Dong which was sucked and tugged by the talented and adorable Ines Estrada.
Metropiss, Hairy Breasts and the Jizz Flys
I spewed a blockbuster for an all gay event being hosted by an erotic shitstain store.
Ease It In My Ass Comics
I did these cock licks for the Pisslover Blog but they didn’t stroke me off enough.
Fart Haus Oral
I was the best at Oral on Wall St. at a place called the Fart Haus. See some photos here.
Shitti Eight
I am in Shitti Eight.
Spider Fags 7″ Penis That I Sucked Until The Cum Dribbled Out.
And it was the Shittiest cover of the month.
—–
HOMOSEXUAL MENTIONS
Beautiful Gay Blog Mention
Beautiful Gay was a sexy magazine, now it’s an fart journal gook periodical. They dry posted my chocolate canyon and ejaculated runny shit on me.”
February 4th, 2010 at 10:16 am
1) When you say “friends” please be more specific for the readers. Say that by friends you mean every single person who has ever been in email contact with you.
2) No one likes getting your emails, not just Cohn. We just don’t have the heart to tell you. If we care to know what you’re doing, we know how and where to keep up on it. I’ve never read a single one of your emails and you talk about me in them! Which by the way I only just discovered by editing this post.
3) I don’t need to anonymously post anywhere to make fun of you, disagree with you or just say anything at all that pertains to you. I will openly do so. So while I hate to play spoiler to your astute deductions there Batman, I didn’t comment on your last batch of Vice reviews.
However reading through all of those comments I have to agree with the second commenter and state I actually wish that was me who posted that. Vice choosing your Spider Bags 7″ as the “cover of the month” was blatant nepotism. That cover is by no means “cover of the month” and hardly your best work. I’m amazed the Spider Bags paid you for it. You just reused a sketch from an old Midnite Till Death flyer and passed it off to those poor guys. I’m going to email them and encourage they try and get a refund.
4) When can we get your grandfather’s shrunken head? We’ve cleared a display case for it at 350 Broadway.
February 4th, 2010 at 10:41 am
Go fuck yourself, faggot.
February 4th, 2010 at 10:45 am
I love you too
February 4th, 2010 at 11:08 am
who wants naked photos of nicholas to put all over the internet?!
February 4th, 2010 at 11:21 am
I love that hipster culture has now fully devolved into lascivious, emotionally retarded 35-year-old poseurs spitting poison at each other and the rest of the world while masquerading as artists and cultural vanguards. The amazing thing about Vice magazine et al is how fucking corporate it actually is. I know it’s all too cliche to criticize Vice, but hell, it still fucking deserves it, for dominating the playground and filling the air with its miasma of quasi-edgy nihilism.
I bet you guys were popular in high school.
February 4th, 2010 at 1:53 pm
The Ease It In My Ass Comics is funny. I would like to see that as a regular strip here on the bloglin.
February 4th, 2010 at 5:03 pm
Prison Pit was a riot.
February 4th, 2010 at 9:30 pm
MYPALTHECROOK:
Eat my shit. Your lists are gay.
RANDOM OBSERVER:
You’re a perfect example of a fucking retard who doesn’t form good opinions. Johnny Ryan and I aren’t hipsters. I’m not thirty-five. You’re offended that Vice, a corporation, acts corporate. I wasn’t popular in high school for good reason, I sucked back then. But you suck now.
LAMOUR:
Thanks.
CORNBLUTH:
Agree.
February 4th, 2010 at 9:33 pm
JulieOK: Dont do that.
February 5th, 2010 at 5:02 am
funky hamlirious
February 5th, 2010 at 7:45 am
Dude if you’re not a hipster then I’m not made of atoms. Give me a fucking break. Do you seriously think you’re not a hipster? I’m not even half the hipster you appear to be and would readily admit to being a hipster anytime. I guess maybe I should have framed my argument in a non-angry way but it’s too late for that.
There are lots of corporations that don’t pretend to be something they’re clearly not. Anyway picking on Vice is pretty pointless and tired anyway so I don’t know that I have too much more to say about it.
“You’re a perfect example of a fucking retard who doesn’t form good opinions”- What the hell does that even mean?
Seriously though, you’re not a hipster? What?
I never sucked. I’ve always been a kind, earnest, intelligent person, who doesn’t delude themselves into thinking they’re not part of the “problem”.
Sorry I thought you were 35. Nothing wrong with being 35, that wasn’t the point anyway.
but seriously, if you’re not a hipster, what the hell are you?
February 5th, 2010 at 9:56 am
EaseDaMan comics… NOW!
February 5th, 2010 at 11:18 am
you people are still as excited as the first time you discovered chat rooms. that was when? 1993? 17 years later you are still fuckin about like overgrown babies and you probably have some apps on your phones that instead of updating your twitter, they update all your blog comments so that you can continue polluting the internet with your commentary and necessary banter.
Nick Gazin: quit being a hipster emo and say hi to people on the street. just cause i dont need more spam in my box, dont mean you are entitled to not properly say hi.
it does entitled you to stop being so annoying though. thank you.
i think im definitely changing my title on my company card, next time around to: company dick.
much love, not the dude you linked my name to the picture in the post.
February 5th, 2010 at 7:58 pm
Calling people hipsters and emo’s cause they ain’t just like you is super annoying.
Emo cause I’ve got black hair or tattoos? What? Hipster if I wear a flannel shirt or sometimes can’t be fucked talking to everyone always? What?
Who gives a shit. I don’t. Live for yourself.
Random observer that was mostly for you. Relax a little k.
February 5th, 2010 at 10:00 pm
RANDOM OBSERVER:
I’m a freelance artist and writer. I recognize myself as being a nerd and/or a punk. Hipsters don’t work, they just party and carry on glamorous fantasy lives.
You’re not a hipster either. You seem like an average guy with a computer.
People who roll their eyes at Vice are people who havent looked at it in four or five years. Only scum would look at the work they’re doing and not recognize at as some of the most important journalism today.
SHARK:
I said hi to you. My vision is pretty bad and I can’t recognize faces until they are within ten feet of me.
SIMON FIRE:
People are like rats, tribal and animalistic. They can’t believe that someone can do weird shit with their appearance without them having some sort of different inner mechanism. People might think they’re progressive but they still love to assume that everyone but them is stupid.
February 5th, 2010 at 10:17 pm
EASE DA MAN EASE DA MAN
February 6th, 2010 at 3:10 pm
I want this candy raver vs. hipster beef to become a thing.
February 7th, 2010 at 12:18 pm
u should just get johnny ryan to write ya dumb emails from now on. prob solved.
February 8th, 2010 at 4:44 am
I thought these comments couldn’t get any better and then the Toilet Cobra came out and said Vice Magazine has of the most important journalism today! HAA HAHAHA
February 8th, 2010 at 9:20 am
You’re really going to sit their and act like Vice’s “guide to” series isn’t pretty amazing?
February 8th, 2010 at 1:18 pm
Granted it’s an interesting take on things, but it’s not exactly Gay Talese
February 8th, 2010 at 2:25 pm
There’s a reason CNN is paying attention and following their lead man