Books. What a joke. Little rectangles of information.  As usual, it’s been days since I’ve left the house and Diksmell Fartdik is once more demanding that I write something for the Mushkunt Blog. I’ve forgotten what daylight and women look like. I haven’t spoken in days and I forget how to make my throat and mouth work together to form words. I’m like that movie starring Meg Ryan where she speaks wolf talk. I am an urban feral child-adult. Here are some of my books that are going to interest others.

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10) Disney Adventures featuring Macaulay Culkin

When I was little I owned all the issues of Nintendo Power and Disney Adventures. I would keep them organized and read them over and over. I loved magazines so much.  It seemed like I was going to work for them when I was little. I made zines and then I started Trashed Magazine and by that time the magazine industry was already dead.

So what’s left? Wasting my love of topical writing on this fucking website. Playboy was once a home for chaste titties but they also sent Shel Silverstein to Spain so he could do comics about it and paid Harvey Kurtzman and Will Elder a lot of money to produce the beautifully painted Little Annie Fanny comics. Who’s going to finance beautiful things now? Everything’s gotta be made cheaper and faster now.  I was supposed to be in magazines. Now what do I have? I have nothing. Rudyard Kipling believed that if Hell exists, that we are living in it.

Long story short, Macaulay happily discusses all the good times he was having with Michael Jackson at the time.

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9) Rat Catching by Crispin Hellion Glover

I interviewed Crispin Glover when What Is It? came out and he gave me copies of his books. That interview was scheduled to be in a magazine that got canceled but at least I got to meet him and he gave me these books.

I feel guilty about every interview I ever did that didn’t get used for one thing or another.

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8) Sex in the Outdoors by Robert Ros, M.D. and Buck Titon, M.S.

Boy, that rabbit’s really getting an eyeful. Did there have to be a guide for having sex in the outdoors?  Isn’t that what all living things have been doing since the dawn of time? The advice is all like “Don’t rub your dick on poison ivy.” And if you see a big bunny watching you sex then just close your eyes and hope he goes away because you are probably about to die.

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7) Understanding Human Behavior

If you ever get close to a human and huuuuuuuummaaaaaaaaannnn behavvvvvvioorrrrrrr. I’ll never understand the appeal of Bjork. I found this book in the trash.

That’s some crazy ownership tag in the front of the book. Don’t think about death too much, Wilcox.

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6) Masters of Metal by Lee Martyn

This book is ridiculous. I like that they have chubby Ozzy on the cover. He was moving in a Chris Farley direction at this point.

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I bet you didn’t know that Steve Martin was heavy metal. Now you do.

I bet you didn’t know that ZZ Top were metal either. Neither did they. Only Lee Martyn did.

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5) Break Dancing by Curtis Marlow

This was a gift from a person I blew off, I’m scum. I don’t know why I thought I could learn to break dance from a book. I like the photos in it though. It educates you about breakdancing fashion style.

“It all starts with the kicks (sneakers). If the feet are no together nothing else works. This the only way to face them.  Loosely with no knots, and hide the tips. Also, the brand name is important.”

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4) Faces of the Enemy by Sam Keen

This is the name of my new hardcore band.

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3) Answer Me: The First Three by Jim and Debbie Goad

This is the first version of the collected first three issues of Answer Me!, a scary and hateful magazine that encouraged the White House Shooter to do what he did and Kurt Cobain had a copy of the Suicide issue in his possession when they found his dead body. While Jim Goad was in prison, his wife and collaborator Debbie died of cancer.  They reprinted this recently but I like the original cover better. Coop is awesome, even when his anatomy’s a little stiff or incorrect.

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2) Get in the Van by Henry Rollins, signed by Robo and Dez Cadena

This is the only good book that Henry Rollins ever wrote and it’s pretty good. Like most autobiographies by guys in bands, the first half is good and the second half is kinda dull. Now Henry Rollins is a boring old guy who is mostly neck and comes off as smug when he talks.

Also I got it signed by Dez and Robo. I wonder how Rollins would feel if I asked him to sign his book and he saw it was already signed by other people? Who knows? Who cares?

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1) Handjobs Magazine (2002)

I was hanging out in my college dorm with my dad and my fifteen year old girlfriend one time when we decided to go out shopping for adult stuff. We bought cigarettes and booze and we each picked out a porn magazine. Handjobs is what my then-girlfriend picked up. We sat around in my dorm room looking at our porn, smoking cigarettes and drinking.  She then read aloud a story to us about a dad who fucks his son for the kid’s birthday. She was quite a girl. One time I was hanging out with them and left the room only to find them dirty talking when I came back.

Fucking kids is illegal so the whole magazine is just drawings and stories.  It seems like if you had tried to contact Handjobs you would discover that was being made inside of a prison cell. Look at that crude drawing of a kid ejaculating on another dude’s dick. It’s like some horny retarded pedophile drew it.

Other drawings were actually pretty masterful.  I think Alex Ross might have drawn this one.  That guy looks like the guy in that TV Carnage clip who encourages people to play air piano at parties. Until next time, don’t forget:

Go…

Fuck…

Yourselves.

- Toilet Cobra