Let me just start out by saying that just because these are on the weird-side for MY collection, it doesn’t mean that there aren’t many—many—more weird options out there. I would imagine that there are folks out there whose tastes skew toward the weirder the better, and well, my hat’s off to them. Piss on your freak flag before you burn it. Or something.

That being said, I wanted to share a few gems from my shelves that get my head to scratching. I forget—often…most times, really—how strange it is to walk into my office and see all my crazy toys. It has happened more times than I can count that someone new will walk up to my Zagorans (giant one-eyed, upright-walking, smiling dragon, duh) and said ‘oh, cool! Godzilla!’ and I have to choose—right then and there!—whether or not to dispute their characterization. The same goes with anything, really…I guess it’s all a matter of desensitization at a certain point…which is probably why we can sit here and dispute the qualities of thrash, power, black, heavy, death, and speed-metal while most of the uninitiated masses would just politely ask that—whatever it’s called—could we please turn it down.

So it also goes with toys.

Here then, are 5 of my weirdest toys. Up the ante? Bring it. Dispute my factual and authoritative findings? This, my friend, is a democrazy…and science is whatever we want it to be.

#5 Least Weird: Guiron of unknowable repute.

I have long been fascinated with guiron: he is—simply put—a space lizard with a knife for a face. I’m pretty sure that his arch-nemesis is Gamera (the giant Turtle monster) and, well, he is my least weird of weird toys. I love him, and Marusan makes a crystal clear version that I have been chasing since I started collecting toys. The quality of this particular fellow falls in the ‘take it in the bathtub’ category, but I don’t love him any less for it.

#4 The Plot Thickens: Yamanaya Yamaton

This post actually started out as an excuse to gloat over this guy…he isn’t just one of my favorite weird toys…he’s one of my favorite toys period. A lizard-like monster with a battleship for a body. A lizard-like monster with a battleship for a body. Take all the candy you damn well please. His bridge is so intricately detailed and several of his gun turrets actually move. The paint application is super-subtle…anything heavier would detract. Thank you Yamaton. Take a bite out of crime and shoot anything that moves.

#3 Tipping the Scales: Velocitron Bechigon (Egg of the Apocalypse)

You know, I would typically assume that some of the shit on my shelves would absolutely HAVE to be spawned from an utterly diseased mind…it’s that weird. Oftentimes there’s a degree of perversity and sexualness (see below) that pushes the envelope for even the most hardened pornhounds. Either that or it goes gorehound and really moves into pure horror territory.

When I first saw Bechigon (and then the penultimate Larvagon) I assumed that it had spawned from such a mind. And then I met Ricky (Velocitron) and his toy got demoted on the weirdness scale. It moved up on the awesome, ‘I believe I can fly’ scale, but it lost points on weirdness. He’s simply too nice. Too genuine. Too…awesome.

That said, however, Bechigon is still an egg with several eyes, several tentacles, and a mouth-thing on it’s top. It sits on your shelf and….stares at you.

#2 Weird Strikes Back: Morlin

The Dehara Morlin is one of those toys that….I just had to have. A six-eyed, needle-mouthed, tentacle-armed pussy hound with a hang down to his ankle. I want to just hang out with the dude who thought this shit up and have him like draw on some kids or something.

Runner Up: Booby Balls

When I came upon (haha) this set of booby balls in the Narita airport, I had absolutely zero pause. I had to have them. I didn’t really think anything of it, either, until my wife gave me the eyebrows about them. Are they weird? Is it weird to have silicone-filled, rubber-skinned, disembodied breasts sitting on your shelf?

#1: Too Crass for Love: Longneck Death Menargo

Where to start? This is one of those toys that actually sits toward the back of my highest shelf. Regardless of my bad-ass-ness, I can’t shake the fact that my toys are displayed in my office, and if I ever had a potential client pick him up and investigate, it could send the wrong message. “Is that a vagina with an eyeball for a clitoris on the bottom of your giant slug with a skull-tipped penis for a head or are you just happy to see me?”

- Hateball