Welcome to Press Start!, where every week I drop the top-five things I’ve came across in gaming this week. They’re in no particular order, haphazard, and probably aren’t the same things you dug. So check out the list, shake your head at my stupidity, and leave what you were feelin’ in the video game world in the comments section. Shazam.

#1: Super Realistic Metroid Will Give You Nightmares
The drawing above is fucking awesome, and fucking frightening. It’s by Kalapusa over at deviantART, and I suggest you go over there now and check out the full thing. No detail too miniscule, the dude goes about explaining how and why the various disgusting members of our metroid look the way they do. Droppin’ phrases like, “Once its claws latch onto a victim’s head, four electrodes surround a cavity that functions as a mouth/anus combo.” Yeah, it’s fucking radical, dude. All of a sudden one of these dudes sucking on Samus became a lot more appalling to me.

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#2: Bulletstorm Is The FPS For the Retard Generation [Me]
Bulletstorm isn’t coming out until next year, but every time I see video from it, I go into a fanboy gush fest. Fluids are flung, keyboards are soaked. Just another day in the dungeon of this man-child. The first trailer dropped yesterday, and I nearly lost my mind. The entire thing seems absurd. You’re a drunk space pirate on some alien world. The gameplay seems like something a thirteen year-old kid strung out on Mountain Dew and covered in Doritos crumbs would concoct.

Like I said, it’s for me.

It’s an FPS for people strung out on caffeine, and who can only express themselves for 140 characters at a time.

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#3: Fallout: New Vegas Collector’s Edition Makes A Dick Out Of Me
Like pretty much everyone, ever, I’m an amazing hypocrite. So while I normally make fun of the dickheads who are willing to shell out crazy bucks for the Modern Warfare 2 or Halo 3 Collector’s Editions, I find myself drooling over this Fallout: New Vegas bullshit with an apocalyptic priapism. I mean, yeah, night vision goggles and a Spartan helmet are lame! Right? I mean, getting a pack of uh, Fallout playing cards is way cooler, and I’m totally justified in my hate of the other shit.

Right?
Probably wrong.

This shit is porn for Wasteland Wanderers. It’s got a “Making Of” DVD, an artbook, and yeah, a platinum chip and some playing cards. Alright Masturbator Chiefs out there, I finally understand why’d you spend crazy money on some retarded helmet. I get it. I’m wrong, you’re right.

Dorks.

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#4: Deadpool is in Marvel Vs. Capcom 3. I know, right?
Listen, I didn’t scan that shit above, so don’t hate on me.

Ever since they announced Marvel Vs. Capcom 3, the boys at Capcom have felt free to continually tease our tips with new information. This week it was confirmed through some shitty scan that fucking Deadppol was going to be in this game. I can’t even begin to describe how much of a god damn nerdgasm this is for someone like me. My adolescence in the 1990s was filled with Marvel comic books and too many rounds of Marvel Vs. Capcom 2 for my Dreamcast. The fact that they’re bringing this franchise back, and dropping retardedly awesome 1990′s characters like Deadpool into the franchise is fantastic.

Yeah, calm down, I know Deadpool is bigger than ever, but still, it’s a nostalgia merry-go-round for me.

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#5: You Don’t Own The Best Video Game Ever, Do You?
Pop-quiz, dickheads! And uh, dickheadettes. Or something. What’s the best video game system ever! SNES? Wrong. Famicom? Wrong. Playstation 2? Fucking wrong! It’s the Kontorland KT-103!. Yeah, that’s right, the Kontorland KT-103!. What is the KT-103 you ask? What’s so fuggin’ confusing about it?

Obviously it’s a system that features a Super Famicom design, a PSX controller, and Sonic and Tails as their mascots, duh! Holy shit.

Or in reality it’s some knock-off system being produced by a company out of Taiwan. Either way, it’s pretty epic, and I’m sure it’ll send completionists into spasms. Yeah, what’s your Amiga now, yo! Until you get your Kontorland KT-103, your collection sucks. Go get a real system, and get back to me.

What did you guys dig on this week? Anything spectacular? I didn’t mention a few obvious things. Alan Wake drops next week, as does Red Dead Redemption and Prince of Persia: Forgotten Chest Hairs of Jake Gyllenhaal. It’s the apocalypse for gaming wallets, really. Good thing I have no money and grad school papers to write, or I’d be pretty pissed all three titles dropped in the same week.

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In my spare time, I spit video game bullshit over at Omega Level.

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