As promised, a World Cup megapost. 100% of the analysis contained herein is 100% not my own, so if you feel like your nation has been unfairly slagged, duke it out in the comments with the authors: Justin, Guch, Gnou, Dusty Gorilla, and thanatz.

Big thanks to those dudes for penning the previews! I actually learned something reading through these, so catch me posted up at the bar tomorrow morning acting like I know. Everything’s after the jump…

GROUP A

At every major soccer tourney it’s tradition to melodramatically dub the toughest group in the field the “Group of Death.” Popular opinion has it that this year Group G best lives up to that title with soccer heavyweights Brazil, Cote d’Ivoire and Portugal poised to do battle against each other. But unlike Group G, where only one good team is going to be on the outside looking in going into round 2, Group A is the most evenly matched group in the field and is composed of 4 teams who all have realistic shots at moving on to the knockout round.

Add in some demonic undertones like Uruguay’s 6-6-6 qualification record or the astral magic that Thierry Henry must have worked on the referee to send Les Blues past the Irish and into the World Cup at all, and you have a group that starts to look like it deserves the Group of Death title.

What clinches the moniker for Group A though is the unceasing, unholy roar of vuvuzelas that will be blaring for the host South Africans. Sounding like a cross between a collective incantation to Cthulhu and a swarm of weaponized robot-bees, the vuvuzelas bring an intensity to the game that will undoubtedly bolster the talent-deficient South Africans. Add in the fact they’ve won their last 10 friendlies and that in the history of the World Cup no host nation has ever failed to get out of the first round, and South Africa looks like a legit contender to advance.

So while it’s true that France and Uruguay look to be favorites if Franck Ribery and Diego Forlan can keep their minds off underage prostitutes and their own wash board abs, the Mexican youth wave and the chthonically-possessed South Africans look to make this the most competitive and exciting group in the field. — thanatz

GROUP B

Argentina, Nigeria, Korea Republic, and Greece. This group is a cakewalk for Argentina. Messi, one of the best players to play the game, will be making ESPN Top 10 highlights throughout this group stage. Nigeria/Korea/Greece won’t have a chance, but at least they can fight among themselves who wants to take 2nd place in the group.

If you plan on watching any of the Group B games, don’t, unless you love Messi or something. If not, I just saved you a bunch of time. — Dusty Gorilla

GROUP C

Every fucking World Cup ESPN shits itself and drowns its viewers in soccer coverage hoping that finally, just finally, we Americans might learn to love the sport (this coming from a diehard soccer fan). And each time they tell us that the success of soccer in the United States depends on how we do. I’m pretty fucking sick of it.

The thing about all of that though is that this year could actually be the year that the US does something. We have Clint Dempsey who is the fucking man, and had one of the sicker goals of the year for his British Club team: Fullham (video in HD here). Landon Donovan (known as Landycakes in the UK) who is on his shit right now and can deliver beautiful balls to whoever’s up front. Tim Howard in goal, a guy who is finally starting to live up to expectations as an American goalkeeper. Michael Bradley, the coach’s son who also happens to be one of the best players on the team. And a ton of other players (Bocanegra, Edu, Altidore, etc.).

We have a relatively weak group as Algeria and Slovenia are weak sauce, and England is way fucking overrated. England lost their captain, Rio Ferdinand, a guy who had to take over because John Terry was fucking his teammate’s wife. Not to mention Ashley Cole fucks out of wedlock every other minute. You can tell that they’re really a classy bunch. Everyone keeps talking about how Capello (England’s coach) finally gave them discipline but I don’t see it making much of a difference.

Look for an American squad to put up a mighty fight on the world stage against England, a draw would put us in a solid place for the rest of the cup and would easily get us out of the group stage, and a win might actually get a few beer-bellied fucks to watch the sport once and for all. Be prepared for a fun world cup and even if the States lose, keep watching. It’s truly the best sporting event. Joga bonito my friends, Joga Bonito. — Justin

GROUP D

This group made up of Germany, Australia, Serbia, and Ghana. Going to be pretty interesting for the most part each team has something to prove. Germany looks like the favorite of the group, taking 2nd in the 2008 Euro, they have a set back, their veteran captain, Michael Ballack LB of Chelsea, was injured as Chelsea took the FA cup, and will not be playing in the world cup.

Serbia is always filled with surprises, upsetting the France team during world cup qualifying group. So they are no push over’s if you don’t show up to play. For those who tuned in to USA v. Australia, I personally feel Australia won’t stand a chance against Germany and Serbia. But who knows upsets may happen (Canadiens v. the Caps) As for Ghana, they won’t be playing with their major player, Michael Essien who was injury during his play with Chelsea. My call (in order): Germany, Serbia, Australia, and Ghana. Take it or leave it. — Dusty Gorilla

GROUP E

Now this is a group with all kinds of footballs being played. The Netherlands and Cameroon are obviously the historical favorites, and barring an accident, they will make it to the second round. Japan and Denmark, on the other hand, are the historical outsiders: Denmark is an average European team, while Japan is a great Asian team, both benefiting from outstanding players, but lacking cohesion as teams.

Denmark has the perfect mix of young talents and vets, and considering that they’re a bunch of roughnecks they should be spared from injuries, but they are going to need some A-game to pose a real threat to the other teams; Tomasson, Rommedahl and Thomas Sørensen are a strong backbone for Bendtner, the Poulsens and Agger to shine on the international level.

Poor Japan on the other hand haven’t won a real game in ages, and I think their World Cup campaign is going to largely depend on their first match-up with Cameroon: Coach Okada is probably the most hated man in Japan right now, it’s his second chance at the helm of the Daihyō and he has a lot to prove to his countrymen as well as the rest of the world, since most of the squad has little to no experience of football outside of Nippon.

Cameroon also have a lot to prove, since they missed out on the last World Cup and their last few friendly matches weren’t too awesome; and it all rests on Samuel Eto’o's shoulders. He is a great player, very efficient striker and enjoyable to watch… but he’s also a hothead who will need to be kept in check by his teammates just as much as he will have to keep them in check.

Frenchman Paul Le Guen did a mighty fine job of selecting players all across the board and I trust that he will make them work together beautifully.

Finally, the Oranje have perhaps their strongest team ever (even with Robben’s injury) that should enable them to at least reach the quarter finals in this contest. They are often criticized for their offensive conservativeness but I think Kuyt, van Persie and van der Vaart have all the guts it takes to breeze comfortably through the first round.

My only concern for them is in the goalie department but van Bronckhorst, van der Wiel and Mathijsen should do the trick in defence to keep the SOGs to a minimum. — Gnou

GROUP F

Italy, Paraguay, New Zealand, and Slovakia. Returning champions, Italy, are back so the hype will be on hard as shit for any game they are in. it Buffon the legendary Italian goalkeeper is coming off their win in Champions League with Inter Milan, he’s needed knee surgery but has been putting off till December.

Might be something to keep in mind. Paraguay and New Zealand will play their part, most likely an insignificant one. As for Slovakia, they scared Russia during world cup qualifying so if anything would to happen it would be Italy v. Slovakia, for sure the game I will be watching. — Dusty Gorilla

GROUP G

The nominal “Group of Death” includes North Korea, Ivory Coast, Portugal, and Brazil. Think of North Korea like Greece at Euro 2004, a well-organized, counter-attacking, like really counter-attacking, team.

Quite honestly, not much is known about the North Koreans, especially considering that most of their squad plays in the domestic league. The qualifiers have shown a tight defense, and striker Tae-Se Jong could surprise.

The Ivory Coast’s strength is going forward, but that has been severely mitigated by the recent injury to Didier Drogba. Many have latched onto the Ivory Coast as a darkhorse, but really that time was in 2006. The defense is highly suspect. Touted as the best collection of African talent, the Ivory Coast has a lot to live up to and a lot to overcome.

Portugal also has a questionable talisman, winger Cristiano Ronaldo. His form for Portugal has not been to the standard he has set at Manchester United or even Real Madrid. Manager Carlos Queiroz has been so worried by the lack of goals that Brazilian Liedson has been naturalized to take the strikers role.

Brazil have gelled into one of the best teams in the world, beating fellow World Cup teams Argentina and Chile handily. 2002 winner Gilberto Silva has come back from the wildness to provide steel in the midfield and get the ball to those purveyors of Joga Bonito up front. Brazil are ranked #1 by FIFA and Elo ratings and should go through.

The battle for the second spot should be fierce. Portugal is the best bet, but I would not be shocked to see North Korea make it on goal differential, a la the USA in 2002. In 2002 Brazil won it all, and once again, it would be no shock for a repeat. — Guch

GROUP H

Spain and three others. Not really, but that is the perception. Spain is right behind Brazil in the world rankings and is coming off a Euro 2008 win and an unbeaten run over 35 matches from 2007-2009. With striker David Villa moving to Barcelona this month, the team starts 5 players from the club, including midfield metronome Xavi.

Spain does not quite have the steel of Brazil, but their skill in possession leaves little breathing room, especially if Fernando Torres is in full form. This team should be a joy to watch and should advance far into the tournament.

Less beautiful, but just as deserving are Switzerland and Honduras. Both have strengths and major weaknesses. The Swiss midfield of Gokhan Inler and Gelson Fernandes provides an effective pair that can break up and create, but their frontline has trouble scoring.

The Honduras strike partnership of Carlos Pavon and David Suazo is talented and both players have scored freely at high levels, but their defensive line is likely to concede a penalty and their keeper, Noel Valladares, is not likely to stop one.

Chile is also weak in defense, stalwarts Arturo Vidal and Gary Medel are in their early 20s. With 3 at the back, shots will fly. They do have young, attacking talents in Alexis Sanchez and Matias Fernandez, but even the goalkeeper, Claudio Bravo, is relatively young at 27.

With Honduras likely to play wide open and the Swiss to be susceptible down the wings, Chile should be able to clinch second in Group H, following Spain. — Guch

And there you have it. Thanks to all the contributors for the astute analysis. Enjoy the games, and see you in the comments…

- Caps