Near Mint Condition: Peter Parker Is Uh, Cool? Sort of Lame, Right?
Amazing Spider-Man #638
Alright, fuck every other comic that is coming out this week, I want to talk about Peter Parker. This week, the Spider-Man event One Moment In Time is kicking off. The event is in response to the other Spidey event that took place in 2007. That shiz was called Brand New Day. In this wonderful arc, Spider-Man was faced with a choice presented by Mephisto. Mephisto was all like, “Yo, I can save your dying Aunt May. But in return, you will never have married Mary Jane.”
Somehow, and for some reason, Peter Parker decided that this was a solid deal. What a dumb bastard. He chose his rickety old fucking Aunt May, over his gorgeous, accepting supermodel wife? This shit has irked me for some time now. Dude Pete, she ain’t even your Mom, yo. I know, I know, same thing, close enough, blah blah blah. So poof! With a wink and a nod, and probably some magical smoke that makes people disappear and stuff, Mary Jane and Peter Parker were never married.
Somehow.
Why’d it happen?
Well, it happened because Mephisto wanted Parker’s love. Or something. But we know why it really happened: because Marvel had no idea what the fuck to do with Peter Parker anymore. Parker was the character that apparently everybody related to growing up. I didn’t, I was a total X-Men dude. I was more comfortable running around with a pack of mutants, watching Wolverine gut dudes and totally talk smack to Scotty Summers and secretly hitting on Jean Grey.
As a brief aside, did you ever consider Wolverine’s enhanced senses? Like, what’d they be like in the bedroom? I imagine sniffing a pair of panties with his skills is either the greatest thing ever, or he passes out and goes semi-catatonic.
But anyways, people related to him. Why? Because he was dorky, and disaffected. Because he didn’t fit in, and he had typical teenage angst, and he had a rough go of things. His parents were dead, he kept waking up with webbing in his pants thinking about watching Mary Jane cheerleading at the pep rally.
Peter Parker married to Mary Jane?
That shit changes everything! Parker wasn’t angsty anymore, he wasn’t unfulfilled. He was a middle-class teacher, married to a gorgeous supermodel who accepted him for all his quirks and the fact that he dresses up in tights and fights giant reptiles. Acceptance. Evolution. Before Brand New Day, Parker wasn’t the character that people had grown up to love, who was eminently relatable. He was normal. And apparently that was boring enough, and scary enough, and far enough away from his “roots” as Joe Quesada put it, that they had to use one of the most contrived storyline mechanics I can recall to pull it off.
But now? Well now, they’re going to tell us all what happened at Mary Jane and Peter’s wedding! On that fateful day! And if I had to guess, according to all the promotional issues, Mary Jane and Peter Parker are going to reignite their passions or something. To be perfectly honest, I haven’t been reading Spider-Man. I don’t really feel the character. But that’s a different conversation for a different day. But the question that it raises, is just what to do with Peter Parker? Or for any comic book character for that matter.
On one hand, you have the static approach: keep Peter Parker young, single, and pining. Keep it looking longingly through his Spider-telescope at Mary Jane, and being unfulfilled. After all, isn’t this what made the dude the guy we could relate to? I think there’s certainly something to that.
The other idea is to have the character evolve. But that’s risky, you know? I mean, even as we speak, there’s nerdy kids who want to fuck the cheerleader, looking for someone to relate to. Even at this juncture there are kids like I was, thirteen years ago, awkward looking, shackled in braces, needing an identifiable trope to get behind.
And at this point, Marvel doesn’t seem to know what to do with the character. He evolves, they reset him. He makes some progress as a character, they get rid of it. There’s Brand New Day, now there’s One Moment In Time. Change, reduction. Peter Parker is a rat running down a hallway, with Good Lord Marvel just plucking him up halfway down the hall starting him at the beginning again.
What do you think? What do you prefer? As sad as it sounds, I actually prefer Peter Parker the emo-kid youth. And that’s probably the problem, who doesn’t? Parker as a high school teacher? Meh. That’s probably why the first fifty or so issues of Ultimate Spider-Man is my favorite take on the Webslinger in a long time.
It’s tricky though, and I don’t seem to know an answer. But that’s okay, because it seems Marvel doesn’t either.
- Caffeine Powered
July 21st, 2010 at 9:07 am
Getting on a plane, like, as we speak, but just read through this. As a long-time Spider-Fan (he is to my comic love what Metallica is to my music love: Original, if not painstakingly paid attention to for the past few years) I have to say that I’m saddened to hear that Marvel is pulling all the hi-junk with him.
I need some time to think it allllll the way through, but for the most part, I fuckin hate all the special ‘event’ comics. I know it all more or less started with Secret Wars, which Spidey was a part of, but come on. Leave that shit to DC.
And Caff: check the rhyme on McFarlane-era Amazing and/or Spider-Man: #298-310 of Amazing is probably my favorite run of Spider-Comics, and that has him married to a hugely buxom MJ, fighting venom and a bunch of other dudes who the Toddster invented, and there’s plenty of angst to go around.
One is compelled to note that Ice Cube, The Original, upon being asked why he’s making family films takes the position of ‘everybody who was my fan growing up is now grown up and they have kids. Just like I do. Makes sense that I’d change and find a way to continue being a part of their lives….’
Fantastic mind-gum to chew on while jettisoning myself toward fantasy funland for a week. :)
July 21st, 2010 at 10:00 am
Brand New Day was exactly what made me give up Spider-Man which was my favorite book growing up. After the 2 or 3 years invested in that shitfest J. Michael Straczynski was writing meant to “change everything we thought we knew about Spider-man” we get this ridiculous reset it just put me over the edge.
They should have just killed off MJ if they wanted Peter to be single again… believe me fans would have accepted a new female love interest and Peter could then where two scars on his heart (MJ and Gwen Stacey).
July 21st, 2010 at 1:35 pm
Brand New Day and all the shit before that keeps retconning every comic book hero I grew up with to oblivion is why I spit in the face of comic megapublishers. You know how to keep things fresh? Write goddamn fucking good stories! I don’t buy that growing up is somehow boring. If you’ve lived long enough you know how scary the world gets. Hell, if you’ve been married…and divorced then you know it’s not all white picket fences and double rainbows either. You can make epic fucking stories if you are anywhere near being a good writer.
He’s not a god like Superman or a patriotic symbol like Captain America. Spider-man is every nerd/dork/geek who uses comedy to mask their flaws and pain. He just happened to get superpowers. To make him “cool” or “eXtreme!!11″ just isn’t going to work for long. Oh, and show me one nerd/dork/geek who would ever say no to being with the hottest person they’ve ever had a crush on.
Damn, gonna pull out my old issues with McFarlane at the helm as well, and some Erik Larson to boot.
July 21st, 2010 at 1:46 pm
When was the last time you read those McFarlane and Larsen issues? Because those are quite possibly even worse writing than the Brand New Day story-arc.
July 21st, 2010 at 2:06 pm
Just keep re-reading Death of Gwen Stacy and Kraven’s Last Hunt and that’s all you’ll need!
*** I have to say though, all this lambasting makes me want to read Brand New Day and get in on this soirée!
July 21st, 2010 at 2:12 pm
@My Pal the Crook
Haha, you’re probably right. Gotta pull out those old issues of Savage Dragon in too. Don’t judge me.
July 21st, 2010 at 2:37 pm
I approve of the debate this thread has sparked. For what it’s worth, I’m picking up the first issue of One Moment in Time, I’ll let you know how it strikes me.
@ Duder -
First off, props on Double Rainbows.
Secondly, I’ve always felt that a talented writer can make any sort of spin intriguing, but it seems that Marvel as a collective doesn’t really know what to do with Parker, which is why they keep cutting back and forth between letting him grow and demanding he stay static.
While I prefer Parker as Angsty Teen, I don’t balk at the concept of having him grow up if it’s done well, which is what I think you’re saying.
And for sure, who the hell would say no to MJ? Aside from Peter, who opted for crusty diaper-wearing Aunt May back in One More Day.
July 21st, 2010 at 3:09 pm
@Caffeine Powered
Yeah, you got it. I suppose I should give the writers their fair shake in that they’re trying to keep characters who were created well before most of were born interesting. Not to mention keeping people interested in buying character merchandise.
I guess this what the whole Wonder Woman thing is all about also, but how long is it going to be before everyone demands the old costume and “Xena:Warrior Princess” back?
July 21st, 2010 at 3:27 pm
Thinking about it, it would be kinda compelling to see Pete turn into some socially awkward broke loser by day…have the Bugle fold (or face drastic cutbacks) and JJJ has to fire Pete…or even better, because of the blogger as journalist shif… Pete’s pics aren’t worth dick anymore to JJJ, so Pete loses his job– is he a professor now? If so, have all the teachers go on strike because of government cutbacks and pay cuts… All I’m saying is this: why focus on taking away metaphysical things when you can turn Parker into some broke loser who is still committed to the city that is in social decay?
Shit, now I’m on some wack fan fiction tip :(
July 22nd, 2010 at 2:01 am
I actually enjoyed all the Spider-Man comics between Brand New Day and OMIT. They really did get back to the essence of Spidey.
Now, with the whole retconning of Pete and MJ’s marriage. It’s cool and all, but Pete’s not in high school anymore. It’s not like The Simpsons where Bart will forever be an 8 year old.
It was cool buying ASM three times a month to boot.
But I guess they’re changing the status quo once again? ASM goes back to being a monthly title with issue 647. It’s gonna be written by Dan Slott which is such a shame since I would much rather have Joe Kelly writing it.