If there’s one topic I can wax a prolix opus on is how massive of a boner Madonna gave me between 1990-1994. Horny Culture has turned their backs on on Ms. Ciccone-Penn-Richie-Ciccone in the last ten years or so, and with due cause. The yoga and Kabbalah flavored water have left her looking a bit, hard these days.

And while I can still detect the semblance of what once jettisoned me to Surewood Forest in Madge, my boner’s tolerance level requires much more pervy and too often shameful criteria in the modern age. But I’ll tell you what’s what. Madonna had a run that pwned any and ALL of today’s famous bald vag promoters with their mediocre BJ skills on half ass sex tapes!

Understand this, there were a few core and strategic happenings which magnetized my meat toward the Immaculate One. Events that would lead to skipping junior high in favor of epic jerk marathons at home in perfect solitude.

Though those nudie pics of her in the 80′s with her glorious hairpie and pits were cool (a mere 3.5 in jerkability factor), it was only the ripple before a mass tidal wave that would eclipse any of the girls around me in 8th grade, even the ones who let me feel them up during class. Let’s divert for a moment to the prologue of this scummy saga…

Sure, I enjoyed the Blonde Ambition era with the David Fincher helmed Express Yourself video where she prowls like a minx and lays chained on a bed, nekkid and overexposed. Of course I fast forwarded Truth or Dare to her Boob flash! Those were cool and all, but when she performed Vogue during the MTV Music Awards (video above muthafuckas!) as a Ribald Victorian Boudoir Beauty, that was that.

Right here was the tipping point where I caught the fever. Look at those glamour boys grabbing on her titties and shit! I still remember having to take an emergency jerk break after seeing this on TV. This was only the sign of things to cum (yuck, that kinda grossed me out too).

Fucking YouTube! Click here to watch this vid without that dumb banner

I was SO jealous of Wayne in this MTV promo. Seriously, I was.

Then the “Justify My Love” video dropped which to me stands as the fucking sexiest song of all time, even over Sade’s “Ordinary Love.” Holy moly, look at her go! Just all about making out and being a tramp… I don’t know about you, but that’s how this creep likes it!

I’d give you two thumbs up on directing this, Jean-Baptiste Mondino, but only one hand is available at the moment!!

Madonna with her perfect titties and Frazetta Bush.

All of these incidents led to a grand salacious apex which molded me into the creepy man I stand today as. Aphrodite herself had sent down a gift to me from her holy gash…

Madonna recorded a new album called Erotica, moved to my hood (Miami Beach) and was partying with Versace while taking a bunch of naked photos for an upcoming book that was all about her being naked. This was it my friends… Odyssey was dawning!

Madonna’s Erotica video

It took little to no time in convincing my hippie single mom to purchase this filthy dynamo that is Madonna’s Sex book (link to all the scans muthafuckas!).

Sex is a goldmine for only the most distinguished degenerate, as all the photos were taken by Steven Meisel, one of the sickest fashion photographers around.

Madonna is all sorts of naked in this book, whether being getting dominated in NYC sex dungeons, eating Pizza at Pucci’s on Washington Blvd, or hanging onto some trapeze over the ocean. It’s all in there! It’s like you’re perusing the brochure to a vacation in Boner Country!

Unfortunately, the book doesn’t lend itself to quality pull seshes, due to to its construction. The pages are hard to turn and separate from the spiral binding way too easily.

Believe me, I tried. I was actually busted by my Mom during one of my attempts. It’s something we’ve never spoken about to this day.

So yeah, I used to stroke it to Madonna. Like tons of times between 1990 and 1994. I also saw Body of Evidence in the theater. Dafoe, you motherfucker!!!

- Cornbluth