Piranha 3D is a throwback flick, not just because it’s a remake of a movie that came out in 1978. It’s a throwback piece because its the kind of tit centric B-movie that the internet killed off. Back in the day a million movies like this were cranked out to hit video and shows like USA’s Up All Night with Rhonda Shear. Movies that allowed you to see half naked chicks skinny dip and then get chased/killed by some kinda monster. The type of movie that has giant plot holes, bad acting and questionable writing… but, lots of tits. Unfortunately, now that tits of all sorts are available anytime via the internet there’s no longer a reason to make these movie. And, that’s kinda fucked up because sometimes the world needs ridiculous and base flicks like Piranha 3D. Sometimes you need a shoestring of a plot with your titties to put everything in perspective.

I could describe the plot of this movie, but that misses the point of the movie. You don’t go to a strip club and talk about the quality of the buffet. You don’t want to know about the character development, how the story arc is resolved or the cinematography. So, let me tell you what you do want to know. This movie runs on over the top from the get go. When most other movies do 3D they say “we’re not going to be throwing stuff at the screen”, to let you know it’ll be a classy 3D experience. Piranha 3D has 3D vomit. That’s what you need to know about the kind of experience your in line for.

Ya boy Jerry O’Connell is also in this movie as what I’d imagine is a pretty on point version of the dude who owns Girls Gone Wild. He plays him as coked up and tit obsessed to the end. I’m pretty sure this is his best performance since Sliders Season 2. This movie also has Adam Scott (from the recently canceled Party Down) on a jet ski with a shotgun, shooting into crowded water. At fish. Dude is shooting fish in a lake with a motherfucking shotgun from a jet ski. Oh and Christopher Lloyd as your resident Piranha expert.

There’s a ton of half naked and fully naked girls, occasionally in three dimensions. I’ve not been a fan of the 3D movement at all so far and surprisingly adding breast to the mix has not changed my opinion. Maybe because in order for breast to really be 3D they’d have to be really far away from the body, and for that to happen you’d have to have some incredible monster titties jammed in a weird corset to get the proper distance. Physics of 3D breasts aside, if it’s slight titillation of the Maxim variety you’re looking for you’ll be covered. Elisabeth Shue though will not be the source of your titillation, she’s looking kind of old in the face. Fear not though, careful observers will be able to pick out porn star Gianna Michaels making a cameo as a chick para-sailing. If, you’re that dude who has always watched her “work” and thought “hey, you know what’d make this hotter? Her being dismembered by shiftily CGI’d fish” then this will be you movie.

About two thirds of the way through the movie is when all hell breaks lose and everyone turns into piranha bait, but what’s kinda interesting is how gory the whole thing gets. There’s about 15 minutes of pure blood and severed limbs that reminds you that Piranha 3D is an actual horror movie.  In this barrage of mangled bodies, the influence of Eli Roth (who makes a cameo as a wet T-shirt contest host) really shows on director Alexandre Aja (High Tension and the excellent The Hills Have Eyes remake). The scenes of swimmers trying to escape from the killer fish, looked a lot like some kind of zombie apocalypse. But, an apocalypse that’s immediately preceded by lots and lots of nakedness. If the apocalypse has to come, that’s how I want it.*

*The reason I want it that way is because I know I’m going to be safe. See,my blackness will not allow me to be frolicking in the water when killer fish bring about the rapture. I can’t swim, so I’ll be chilling on the beach while everyone else is getting nibbled to death, rocking ever so gently to a slowed down version of “Margaritaville.”

- Behold the Destroyer