Well god damn! I got the window opening, pumping in some crisp autumn air. I got enough caffeine pumping through my veins to kill a baby calf. And I got no pants on. That can only mean one thing: it’s time for Press Start! Welcome to your typical Friday den of debauchery. The column where I, in nothing resembling intelligent discourse, detail five things that caught my eye in the world of gaming this week. I implore you to rock the comments box, oh ye gamepad warriors, with the bullshit that you enjoyed.
#1: 80% of Gamers Are Cool With 3D Gaming; 80% of Gamers Are Douchebags
A pretty depressing report came out this week. Apparently 80% of gamers are willing to use 3D glasses whilst gaming. Oh good lord. Ever since last December and Avatar, this 3D phase has been god damn killing me. Listen, if I knew seeing Navi tail-fuck plant life was going to bring this hell upon us, I never would have indulged my curiosity and seen the flick. I think we’re all very, very, very sorry for participating in the biggest culture Gimmick Fucking in god knows how many years.
I’m sorry guys. Seriously. And since it made a billion-zillion dollars, you probably are too.
What a world we live in, where twin blights are ravaging across the gaming landscape. Motion controls, and 3D gaming. Fuck man, I don’t want either of them. I don’t want to do karate kicks to tell a character to lay a smack down. And I don’t want to don goggles just to play a video game. God damn you, 80% of gamers. What are you doing to me? You’re ruining it all! This is some truly Fahrenheit 451 type shit we’re wading into. Incredible distances spanned between people, just sitting next to one another on a couch. No talking, just 3D goggles and the old internet pipes connecting us to one another in on a Battlefield map.
#2: Pair of Sonic Fans Release Better Game Than Sonic 4
Remember when Sega announced Sonic 4? They told us it was going back to being a side-scrolling wunderkind? We all danced in the streets and high-fived and screamed BLAST PROCESSING at the skies? Yeah, and then it was released last week. And it was mediocre at best, and we were all like, no seriously, why’d we think they’d get it right this time?
Well, cheer up, Charlie.
Super Sonic fans, Pelikan 13 and Mercury have released their own Sonic the Hedgehog Remake, and it looks fucking gorgeous. Behold the power of an inspired pair of nerds. The game is called Sonic Fan Remix and you can download it right here. A free game, gorgeous as fuck, and somehow more faithful to the franchise than the afterbirth that was burped up by Sonic last week across the XBL and PSN.
Maybe I’m being too harsh. I downloaded the demo, and it was decent enough to cause a “fuck, so close” lament. It just felt off, which is remarkable since the Sonic formula is so simple. Disagree with me? That’s cool, I’m glad you enjoyed it. But just watch the video and/or download Sonic Fan Remix, and tell me it isn’t a work of bonery. I double dare you.
#3: Father and Son Team Up To Build Functioning Metroid Arm Cannon
A couple of weeks ago, I went to the midnight release of Halo: Reach. While I was there, I saw a dad and his son waiting to pick up the game together. I thought it was the coolest thing ever, so I told my girlfriend. I was all like “Man, I hope my son wants to go to midnight releases with me.”
She then gave me a look and told me that if my son wants to go to midnight releases with me, that we pretty much did the inevitable when mixing DNA with me: created a social retard. I saw her point, but a part of me died inside.
That’s why I dig this video so much. Eleven year-old Joseph DeRose and his father Tony went all out on Joey’s Halloween costume this year. They built a motherfucking functionable arm cannon from Metroid. Well, not functioning in the sense that it can blow people the fuck up and shit. That would be the dopest. But no, check it out: it’s got input codes to verify identity, multiple settings for different beams, and it lights the fuck up.
Like I said, endearing. The video is enjoyable, just hop around and get the inner workings of the arm cannon from Tony and his kid.
#4: Oprah Gives Kinect Away to Retarded Soccer Moms; They Go Ape Shit
This is some legitimately freaky shit. Oprah’s cult is stupendous. They’re a herd, willing to die for their goddess. The merest suggestion that something is worthy of being excited about sends them into the throes of ecstasy that is unimaginable by sane minds. Take in point this clip: Oprah gives the Kinect a good and firm handjob, debuting the gimmicky piece of shit on her show. But wait, it gets better. Not only does she rock out this obvious infomercial, but she does everyone in the audience a serious solid.
You know, the hardcore gamers in the audience. Oh wait, they’re just women who watch Oprah and dream about fucking McSteamy. Yeah she gives them an Xbox 360 and Kinect! Holy fuck! What follows is nothing short of pandemonium. These chicks start flipping their shit. Clapping riotously. Why, why wouldn’t they! These old ass hags can’t wait to pwn some motherfuckers in Black Ops! Like seriously!
When considering Oprah’s audience, I always think of Fight Club when Tyler talks about how oxygen gets you high. I just imagine the studio filled to the brim with pure oxygen, and the calisthenics these chicks pull getting that shit directly into their membranes. High as fuck. Creepy man, creepy.
#5: Fallout: New Vegas Unboxing Video Features Man Tits, Underwear, Awesomeness
Let me say this: I think unboxing videos, are for the most part, fucking retarded. I don’t get the allure of a legion of mouth-breathing dummies putting up videos of them opening up their Halo: Reach Super Dildo editions on Youtube. Like, seriously? In some cases, a well-done one by a legit site like Gizmodo is enjoyable. Show me that new iPhone! But they’re professionally done.
Creepy videos, shot in dark rooms, by an untalking narrator? Make me cringe. There’s something so fetishistic about it. Like, you know the guy unwrapping it is getting so horny for the commodity they’ve just opened. Oh Jesus Christ, a Call of Duty: Black Ops controllable RC car? My cock! The fluids! The things we find erotic today.
So this video is pretty epic. Youtube user KevinWk takes to unwrapping Fallout: New Vegas. But the dude is shirtless. And he’s got some gorgeous titties like what. And he’s in his boxer shorts. Kevin spends a good three-minutes poking fun at all of the unboxing videos of the world. Now, I don’t think that its worthy of its three-minutes run time, but you get the point. It’s ludicrous and subversive, and I can get behind that. Plus, I love me some man titties. Well done, sir.
Well, that’s it for me and my warped perspective. What’d you guys dig on this week?- Caffeine Powered