My Top 5: Celebrity Dream Lays
You know exactly how this game works. Don’t EVEN try to front like you don’t know. Even if you’re a sweet, lovely, loving young lady…you know how this works. In fact, you might even be more familiar with these here rules than we dudes are. The List. The Significant Other Legal Lay List. You know I wouldn’t even trip….it could be both ours.
That’s right: I am invoking Friday. For some reason.
The rules are the same as what you’d expect. Except I am modifying them slightly so as to a) remain an upstanding citizen, and b) put the following in context.
These lists have become some quite fun for me. But! But, I worry: I don’t want you (or me) to expect a music- or movies-related post each week. I want to be mad unpredictable with this shit, dog. And since I regularly type at you about toys and space (ha!) and other shit here, I need to make sure that I can mix things up without getting, like, way redundant way redundant. So. So we’re gonna try this one. My Top 5: Celebrity Dream Lays.
A few more things, however. Do you see that space right up there? The one between ‘Dream Lays’ and ‘A few more things…’? Yeah, that is a pixelated representation of the hourlong break I just took to talk to Mrs. Hateball about the birth plan for our baby. Motherfuckin’ House Hunters INTERNATIONAL is on my plasma right now, son. This shit is so domesticated and so happily married that, well, it’s sickening. I got the idea for this post this morning and then proceeded to stare into space for the next two hours. Only after calling Mrs. Hateball and asking ‘Um, who is on my legal-lay list?’ was I reminded of everybody but Scarlet Jo and Tina Hendo. So yeah.
What that means…and what keeps this game MAD classy, is that these women have to be celebrities. They cannot be porn stars or swimsuit models—they have to be people my wife (or your significant other, in your case) would recognize. Incidentally, they also cannot work at the sandwich shop down the street, which I have discovered the hard and disappointing way.
So heeeeeeerrrrre wego.
1. Katy Perry
I’m not sure if this is *just* a boobs thing. I mean, sure. It’s a boobs thing. But! She’s icily beautiful. Sort of in a Deschanel way, but, well, better. Less annoying. Although whichever one is the crazy girlfriend in Weeds is rad. Zooey? Dweezil? Whatever. Katy is very very hot, and I have to say that the fact that she *seems* like a down-to-earth ladything makes it, um, better.
Add in the wonkers-bonkers latex thing and all the dayglo somethingness…boom. Top it off with some second-hand animated gifporn that I stole from this crazy, dude-bosom-obsessed graduate student I know, and it’s a formula for boners, what.
—–
2. Christina Hendricks
This… This. This. She. Eve. Even. The Woman. This one is, like, buy a motorcycle and crash it on purpose hot. Whatever that means. She is, like, the classiest get I could think of. And, again: not just a booby thing. I mean, I chose this photos strategically. If you look closely, her eyes have those bearded dudes from krypton in them. Her depths are deep, her juju is juicy, and her grip is cunning. And no. Those are not vajeenisms, Crook.
The Universe is Infinite but you are in it with this all-powerful being. Jump into a volcano or something. And we haven’t even talked about the butts and boobies part. It’s, like, bumming me out talking about it. That is not a british ass-pun, either.
—–
3. Tina Fey
Don’t get it twisted: she wants you to think that it’s all farts and fungus and shit (colloquially. Colloquially.), but this one is banging. I didn’t even drop the G. Bang. Ing. She is so hot, so quirky, and so sadistically savvy that it makes me want to, like, roll in the hay and lose to her at scrabble all at the same time.
This is probably, like, my ultimate dominatrix scenario: she would get all my jokes, sure, but only in so much so she could tell me how totally unfunny they all are. And I would lust her for it.
—–
4. Scarlett Johansson
I’m pretty sure this started as a boobies thing, but it’s so much more now. Maybe a butt thing, but, well, same diff. Pff. And no, it’s not some weird backpressure thing where my secret be-crush on Ryan Reynolds ends up bleeding over into Scarlett love, either. It’s because she seems like she’d be the hottest, most above-it-all thing in any room she walks in, and yet, maybe—MAYBE—she’s actually cool. I mean, I’ll certainly never know, but she’s gotta be pretty cool, right?
It’s starting to worry me that—aside from her various lady lumps—I am compelled to define my desire for this person in relation to her apparently affable connection to Van Wilder and The Bill Murray (even if English didn’t mandate that we capitalize proper names, I would have capitalized that last, woot. He Is It.). Still. On the list. Let’s get drunk and eat peeps, girl.
—–
5. Heidi Klum
You know how dudes are always talking about ‘Renaissance Man’ and shit like that? Yeah. Well this Ball here is a Cosmopolitan Man. Not, like, in the worldly historical way…but, like, in the magazine way. A great perk to growing up in the 80s and living with your single mom? Yeah. She reads Cosmopolitan. And while I can’t remember if Heidi was around back then (It was probably more like the Cindy Crawford -> Nikki Taylor gradient with some Claudia Schiffer scanlines, but) but I relate her with that part of the, um, canon nonetheless. Lady is like, witchy hot.
It does not help my condition that the Mrs. and I check her out all the time on some Project Runway shits…I am not really proud of that sentence. Still, this person keeps making smaller versions of herself and yet, she bounces back IMMEDIATELY looking hotter and happier than ever. It used to be totally carnal, this thing with Heidi and I, but now I want to, like, go dirt-bike riding with her first.
—–
BONERUS: Emmanuelle Chiqui
This is an awkward situation. Here is a girl that is so earth-shatteringly hot that it’s sort of evil. You’re smoldering, kid. Really, really, really beautiful. The only problem? You’re on a list with Christina Hendricks and Scajojo. That is really the only problem. The only one. Aside from that? You’ve got this medusa-like quality that makes me ONLY want to see you whenever I’m watching Entourage. When that show goes off, I sort of turn back into a regular person instead of a stone statue, but while that show is on? Your immense beauty makes me willing to sit through the episodes of your show that deal with you and Kevin Connelly, which, as you know, are some of the weaker ones. If only they had you playing opposite Jeremy PIven more, it’d be, like, perfect. Your pal, Hateball.
Hugs and Junk Adjustments, friends. Hit me with your top 5 celebrity dream lays in the comments and watch as I wilt into the saddest sadness that is regretting one’s own fantasy life and envying that of another. I already am shedding some tears because I forgot to fit Charlize in there. But you know how it works: Rough Draft For Life. Can’t change a thing. Hooray!
- Hateball
December 24th, 2010 at 12:44 pm
Best post ever!
December 24th, 2010 at 12:55 pm
You more than know my answer: Katy Perry x Forever. Her curves + racks + proclivity for latex (my fetish of choice) wins so hard.
December 24th, 2010 at 1:50 pm
Not my type in the league of no substance i would have gone with Sofia Vergara.
December 24th, 2010 at 1:53 pm
+1 for Emmanuelle Chiqui. Broad is amazing.
December 24th, 2010 at 3:34 pm
Hendricks is my number 1. Curves curves curves! But like you said it’s her eyes and overall stunning looks
December 24th, 2010 at 5:54 pm
nicki minaj + tina fey n i’m skr8
December 24th, 2010 at 6:07 pm
R.A. the Rugged Man once interviewed Scarlett Johansson in Mass Appeal after Ghost World came out and man did she come off as a tool.
December 24th, 2010 at 6:09 pm
hendricks all the way! im def going with Astral on Vergara. Scarjo is so last year and renolds ruined her. Save a space for Tera Patrick.
December 24th, 2010 at 7:34 pm
I’d be toolish too knowing that the only good film i stared in was ‘home alone 3′!.
Also no olivia munn? shes contrived in the hot babe likes ‘geeky’ things boat!. but still chill/lovely!.
December 24th, 2010 at 7:43 pm
Katy
Hendricks
Penelope Cruz
Natalie portman
The Fox.
December 24th, 2010 at 7:58 pm
So yeah. This is what I mean. I’m oblivious of Munn and Vergara. And now that I am not, I’m even more miserable than I was.
I know Scojo is old news, but, well. Still.
Still.
Happy to have a Holiday Hit. Nothing says ‘visit my blog post’ like boobs. Woo.
Merry Christmas.
December 24th, 2010 at 9:52 pm
1. Scarlett Johansson
2. Eva Mendes
3. Keri Hilson
4. Helen Mirren
5. Emma Stone
December 25th, 2010 at 9:20 am
1. Katy Perry
2. Sofia Vergara
3. Salma Hayek
4. Brody Dalle
5. Alison Brie (Community, which anyone who doesn’t watch should)
Off the top of my head, and in no order.
December 25th, 2010 at 9:37 am
I would only pick Tina Fey if there was Sara Palin roleplay involved.
December 25th, 2010 at 3:02 pm
This is pretty fucking pathetic. The age old game of getting a pass to fuck a celebrity? Guess this is lumped into the same file as “different area codes” and “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”?
Mishka… quit. You are the pre-pubescent boy desperate to fit in of the blog world. In your attempts to cover a broad spectrum of art, music and fashion you’ve denied yourself any sort of identity, while coming off like a big circle of idiots foaming at the mouth with 3″ dicks in hand oogling video games and Japanese toys.
Your love for anything decent in the music world was canceled out by your inclusion of Sleigh Bells on the best of list. I’d like to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that part was written by some 17 year old girl one of you fucked that wouldn’t leave the shop on one of your many slow days, but we both know better.
Quit please, or at least incorporate some sort of filter that weens out the bullshit. Most of the good bands you love would never be caught dead in the same room as you let alone flaunt your seal of approval.
Mixed Martial Arts and Minimal Synth in one spot? Barf.
Jocks and Nerds reaching for anything cool. I get it now.
December 25th, 2010 at 3:41 pm
An oldie but goodie
I know this isn’t directed at me personally but I guess it kinda is since it’s my brand and I call the shots here on the Bloglin. So I’m gonna lace ‘em up for the team and take the 5 minute major. Fuck! Crap! Another sports reference and sports and synths don’t mix!
Anyway… here’s an easy solution to your problem. Don’t come here. What the hell do you care if Hateball posts his 5 dream lays and meanders about them humorously (or unhumorously since I imagine you didn’t find it funny)? But I suspect you probably just didn’t even bother reading it, you’re just angry over it. Are you that fucking uptight to have a “dream lay” or so put off by it that it consumes enough of your time that you actually get angry over it? A blog who may write something about Xeno & Oaklander one day and then list it’s 5 celebrity dream lays the next? Seriously, that worth getting angry over? Maybe it’s me (but probably not since our traffic is growing exponentially lately), but I find that awesome, goddamn interesting and a reason to come here. That’s why I encourage it from our bloggers. But clearly it’s not your cup of tea… So that said, I suggest you take my advice from earlier in this paragraph and just visit ionlycanbeintoonethingatatimeever.com
But if you so choose to keep visiting the Bloglin (and I suspect you will) just keep in mind that because YOU may not like MMA and Minimal Synth doesn’t mean others don’t, won’t, can’t or shouldn’t like both. I don’t subscribe to the notion that because I’m into A, I must then be into B and C; and as result I must hate X, Y and Z. You obviously enjoy that sort of silly rigidity in your tastes, but most of us here do not and that’s who I WANT to cater to. Again if that bothers you, just keep our address out of your browser. Simple enough no? I personally don’t care for MMA but you know who does AND also likes minimal synth? David Castillo AKA Move the Chains the blogger in question who’s written about MMA fighting. Also one of the coolest guys you’ll ever meet. Who the fuck are you to say he can’t like or write about one if he’s openly discussing or into the other? Guess what? I think Glenn Branca is a genius, love hockey and enjoy paint by number romantic comedies…. OH NO! I like too much (seemingly) unrelated shit, there go my scene points!
BTW We almost never cover fashion here (unless you count us which I take it you probably don’t) and rarely art unless we’re working with the artist, he’s a friend or just helping promote an upcoming show. I wish we covered more art on here (you want to do that for us?). So that broad spectrum (which is somehow bad) is reduced to what now? Music, Movies, Comics, Toys Sports and Video Games… Ok that’s still broad, but it’s also the basis for our label. The basis that let us go from making just crappy tees to crappy clothes to having 3 crappy stores worldwide. Crap! What insanity that we would post about all that crappy stuff on our crappy blog and expose our crappy fans to it. Some nerve! We kind of got to where we are (and where we’re going) by not listening to “suggestions” like yours and doing what felt right and pulling from here and pulling from there even if it doesn’t make sense to (here’s that key word again) YOU. I am however glad you finally get that eclecticism is the basis of our drive and this brand. I’ll take some satisfaction in knowing that we at least got that breakthrough with you.
P.S. Your Sleigh Bells, 17 year olds and “good bands!” rant was pretty humorous. Seriously good job, it was like a trip back to adolescence! That said, It’s also more symptomatic of some deeper self-esteem problem you have than anything to do with us or this blog…but still humorous nonetheless. I’d see a counselor or at least get out more and meet more kinds of people and try and get over that whole “oh no what do these people think of me?” mentality. I’m not sure if you realize it or not but you came off as a petulant teen, but then again maybe you are? I really don’t know.
P.P.S. I have it on good authority some of those “good bands” also like MMA! WTF!?!? SRSLY!?!?!? What is this world coming to?
P.P.P.S. I have it on good authority that the only of us with a 3″ penis is Prolly.
P.P.P.P.S. I’m just kidding, “Slimer” is a monster!
December 25th, 2010 at 7:31 pm
@Truth Serum
Heavy hitter!.Seriously though, how many hours sitting alone in your mothers basement (on xmas may i add) did it take you to rationalize that in full bloom?!.
In all truth I’d suck you off hard!. make those nuts chirp!.
December 26th, 2010 at 10:25 pm
crook tell that bitch
1. that jewish girl from Community
2. Emma Stone
3. that cuban lady from Modern Family
4. Anne Hathaway
5. olivia munn
December 26th, 2010 at 10:26 pm
by the way i really like that gif of katy perry
December 27th, 2010 at 1:58 am
1. Brenda Song 2. Maggie Q 3. Cassie 4. Jessica Alba 5. Eliza Dushku
December 27th, 2010 at 2:20 am
Tell ‘em Cook! I loved the post. I don’t agree with it completely, but it’s pretty close. Mine goes;
Scarlett Johhansen.
Christina Hendricks.
Katy Perry.
Angeliana Jollie (Hackers era).
Michelle Williams.
I love the site. I don’t love every single post or every single word or agree with every single thing but why or how could I? I get a lot of stuff here though that is right up my alley, and I fucking love it and there’s no where else quite like it. Truth Serum clearly got some serious problems he needs to take out anonymously over the internet. I hear it’s quite common behavior though. The poor little thing.
December 27th, 2010 at 2:25 am
Oh man, Munn and Vergara totally too! That’s for a top 10 though I guess. I could listen to Vergara talk forever and never get sick of that accent. Sexy sexy babes. Depressing stuff indeed.
December 27th, 2010 at 11:01 pm
Good looks, Fire! Also, Angelina Jolie circa Hackers is a crucial and ridiculously specific choice. Christ, my barely pubescent balls hurt so bad for her in that flick, especially when she’s wearing that see through fishnet shirt.
December 28th, 2010 at 2:09 am
Oh god I know right. We gotta stop. This post is a real blue baller.
December 28th, 2010 at 12:01 pm
I’m pretty sure Shakespeare said it best in Hamlet “To fantasize about chicks out of our league, perchance to dream.”
December 29th, 2010 at 10:56 am
No one really fantasizes internally about these generic woman its all surface!.
realistically if you have taste it be of someone who intrigues your senses!.
case in point annie clark, paz lenchantin and so forth.
December 30th, 2010 at 8:33 pm
1. Shannyn Sossamon
2. Emmanuelle Chiqui
3. Brittany Daniels
4. Eva Mendes
5. KaDee Strickland
odd assortment.