Even if you’re only marginally into Asian cinema, chances are you’ve heard of Takashi Miike. He’s one of Japan’s most versatile directors with over 80 films in just over 20 years – everything from controversial horror (Audition) to family flicks (The Great Yokai War). With his latest, 13 Assassins, Miike remakes a 1963 black and white film into a relentless, blood-red samurai epic that puts honor and duty under the microscope. It’s tastefully brutal, beautiful, and keeps your balls in a vice for two solid hours. And then the final, 45-minute battle ignites and you’re left a whimpering eunuch.

As the 20th century approaches, feudal Japan is seeing its samurais fading out of necessity. The Shogun’s brother, Lord Naritsugu, is a sadistic sociopath killing, raping, and dismembering his way up through the government. After a senior government official publicly commits seppuku in protest to Naritsugu’s immunity to the law, a fellow official knows something must be done. He hires aging samurai Shinzaemon to assassinate him.

Shinzaemon enlists the help of 11 fellow samurai to help him take down Naritsugu. Along the way, they meet a snotty hunter who has no interest in the “samurai way.” He’s like the Han Solo of the bunch. Knowing they’re seriously outnumbered (originally they believe Naritsugu’s entourage is 70, turns out to be 200!), they devise a plan to transform a small village into a deadly mousetrap of swords, mud, and fire. It’s one of the most monumental final throwdowns in recent cinema history and one of the best ever.

Everything leading up to the finale is kinda rushed and you never really get to know any of the 13 that well (I was mixing them up a bit at times), but fuck it. The point is that these 13 honorable badasses are taking on 200 heavies and their raping leader. No need to bring in their personal lives. Although I do have a favorite assassin: the hunter who doesn’t wear shoes and fights with whatever he can reach. He thinks the whole “honor” thing is bullshit and his savoir faire brings some much needed comic relief to Miike’s grim aesthetic.

Despite its graphic violence, rivers of blood, and flaming pigs, Miike has crafted an accessible underdog story in the vein of Seven Samurai. You’ll want to cringe and pump your fist at the same time.

13 Assassins is now available On Demand and will be in theaters April 29. I HIGHLY recommend seeing it on the big screen though.

- Oh Mars