Press Start! Don’t Press Start! What the fuck do I care? It’s a goddamn glorious Friday evening here along the Eastern Seaboard of the Empire proper. Wind whispering sexy promises of summer, the night air making my balls hurt with the promise of Spring Fever and low-cut dresses on campus. Anyways, if you’re new to the rodeo: this is a weekly column where I slap together five things that I deemed noteworthy in gaming this week.
As an airheaded asshole, I encourage you to share your happenings, for they are certainly of more worth and value than my own. Grab a pop, unbuckle those tight pants, and let’s relax in the world of dual-analogs and dragons.
#1: James Cameron Says Gaming Will Drive 3D.
Well son of a bitch. I was comfortable being able to demonize the cinema for pushing 3D bullshit onto the unwashed masses. But here comes fucking Jimmy Cameron surfing on the bodies of dead Filipino Boy Prostitutes stuffed with cash, telling me it’s video games that are going to get this fucking technical abortion installed into houses.
(That was a serious fucking run-on sentence.)
Specifically, Jimmy was talking about video games being the driving force between glasses-free 3D, spouting off that the Nintendo 3DS and other “single-viewing devices that are engaging the person to play these video games will drive a lot of investment in autostereoscopic displays for that very reason.”
So now this shit is on us, guys. All of you giggling as you’re playing your 3DS know this! You’re fucking me in the ass! And it hurts so poorly. At least, if we’re going to suffer the 3Dpocalypse, it won’t be with some goggles strapped to our skulls.
#2: Massachusetts Town Upholds Coin-Op Gaming Ban.
This one hits a bit close to home. I am a resident of the Boston area. Retarded (retahded?) accent and all. I take pride in the fact that we’re generally a godless, liberal bunch around here. A bunch of dongs rubbing up against one another, weed with nary a ticket, health care for the hobos. It’s good. It’s good.
However, somehow we’ve fucking failed. At least one town has. Meet fucking Marshfield. Motherfuckers in Marshfield have banned coin-op gaming in their town for a solid 29 years. Good lord. This week, a movement to repeal this banning of shit like Donkey Kong was struck down.
Where are the Crypto-Vaults hidden in this shit town? Furthermore, where is this town? I have not come across it in my travels. But it frightens me. With a vote of 655-554, the law was upheld. There will be no Pac-Man for the denizens of Marshfield.
Just failure. Failure.
#3: Sega Drops Phantasy Star Online 2 Details.
In news that may only be exciting to me, Sega dropped some details for Phantasy Star Online 2 this week. Goddamn, did I ever love the original Phantasy Star Online. Nothing made my fat, unmotivated ass glow in my senior year of high school like booting up my Dreamcast, dragging a telephone wire all the way across my room for 56k glory, and rocking out with some PSO. A total
There’s a serious fucking lull in my online gaming right now. WoW has finally lost its glimmer, I know myself enough to know I won’t give a fuck about Rift, Diablo III and Star Wars: The Old Republic might as well be vaporware with their unpredictable release dates.
I need something!
Even if I never get my paws on this son of a bitch, it’s a nostalgia drop that brings me back to the glossy lensed days of the Dreamcast. Simple days. Full of loot drops, endless dungeon cycling, and eating enough Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers to stack on a solid thirty pounds.
Oh senior year, I miss you.
#4: Sony’s PlayStation Network Remains Fucked.
We’re nine days into Sony’s Online Network Is Fucked-Gate. I can’t believe that shit. Nine days of a console not having any sort of online availability. I must confess that I view the entire fiasco from afar. I’m a dyed in the douche Xbot. Through and through. I don’t despise my PS3, I use it when the games come calling. As far as my online existence, though? Xbox Live, holmes!
Shit has gotten real. Sony has noted that they’re rebuilding the entire network. From the ground! Perhaps now without any sort of serious security issue. That isn’t all!
Today it was announced that Homeland Security is rolling up onto the scene. Now we’re fucking talking. What should we be spending our tax money on? Throwing that fucking cheddar onto figuring what the hell is behind the breach. This fair country of ours has a “Computer Emergency Readiness Team”, and they’re cracking the case.
Nine fucking days. It’s almost comical at this point.
#5: New Nintendo Console, Blah Blah.
There have been two primary stories this week. The PlayStation Network, and the new Nintendo console. I had to touch base on then both, and I’ll be goddamned if I don’t feel a bit shitty about it. Mainstreaming! Yeah, I apologize.
This week, Nintendo confirmed what we had known, which is that they’re dropping this piggy next year. Confirmed. Not only that, but all the slobs at E3 are going to be able to play the system. They went out of their way to confirm the whole “all” part. No closed doors, nothin’.
I call the people at E3 slobs, because as you guessed it, I’m jealous.
There you go douchebags. The five things in gaming that attracted me this week. What tantalized your taints? Hit me.
- Caffeine Powered