Mayday 2011. Barry O ensured reelection in 2012 when he called an impromptu press conference to announce that he smoked that fool! Stoked NYC’ers moshed at ground zero, coal-hearted nerds made memes, clever people internetted cleverly, and network news editors worked feverishly to assemble music videos of Bin Laden’s greatest hits. Props due to Mr. President. Someone forward me the paypal address of the good ol’ boy who actually pulled the trigger, I want to buy him a beer. U-S-A! U-S-A! Bring on some bimbos in bikinis and crank the Godsmack, cuz we’re fuckin’ up yer program Al-Queda!

Right on cue is Alex Jones, asparagus pissing down my Miller Lite vortex bottle and diarrhea’ing all up in the salsa. Damn. Okay, pass the mike to AJ, let’s hear what the brother’s got to say…

Did Council on Foreign Relations member, Stephen R. Pieczenik, really claim that Bin Laden was already dead back in April 2002? Isn’t the burial at sea a bit… FISHY? Was Hitler really killed on Mayday as well? Is there any connection between these historic events and the fact that Adam Weishaupt established the Bavarian Illuminati on May 1, 1776? Really, Alex? Well, shit man. It could be all that Bin Laden weed being passed around, but when you put it that way, yeah. It does sound a bit suspicious. What else you got?

Woah, woah, woah. Dude’s been in deep freeze for the last ten years?!?!?!

Alex Jones was separately told by a high level Republican source that Bin Laden was dead and that his body was being kept “on ice” until Osama’s death could be announced at the most “politically expedient” time. When Jones asked the source if his claim was mere speculation or whether it was actually true, the source re-iterated the fact that he was being deadly serious and that Bin Laden’s corpse was “physically on ice” waiting to be rolled out for public consumption at the most opportune moment.

Many expected that moment to be right before the 2004 election, but after Democrats began speculating about the possibility, Republicans settled instead for a fake Osama video tape that was released on the eve of the election and, according to both George W. Bush and John Kerry, was the deciding factor in a closely-fought contest. Veteran news reader Walter Cronkite labeled the entire farce a Karl Rove-orchestrated “set-up”.

In addition to these sources, a deluge of other heads of state as well as intelligence agency professionals have gone on record over the past nine years to state their belief that Bin Laden was likely dead, after it became clear that the Al-Qaeda leader’s health was in severe decline as a result of kidney disease at the end of 2001.

Way to break up a party, AJ. Real smooth, guy. No, don’t help clean. Just get the fuck out.

- Cornbluth