I’ve been an absentee Hateball, I know. Was it last time that I told you (all?) that I wouldn’t start posts like this? Sadly, I do not have the time to go check…which is the first (and second) rule for how to spot a poor interjournalist. I suppose you will have to just shoot me.

Alas—forsooth!—I have been busy with my other family. My secret family. The one that doesn’t really translate to my internet life. Sure, they are involved, but, well, it’s different. If you’re my real internet folks, then this beautiful creature sitting next to me is my hidden mistress, and this not-so-tiny version of myself at my feet is—yep—a keep-a-Hateball baby.

But! Like any deadbeat would say, I’m here now. And that counts for something…right, champ? I know I been busy, but I been out there—up on my grind, steady mobbin, cold lampin on them curbs, stunting like a daddy. Like an actual daddy. So ya. On the real. Haters at east, playas say please. Let’s talk about some toys.

Much to my sort of huge shock and surprise, I was recently asked to participate in an upcoming book. A book about collectors. Apparently, when approached by the curator of the project, my good galpal Skinner told the person that my collection puts his to shame. Or something. Which was both very very nice and very very wrong. Still! This person reached out, and I sort of half-jokingly accepted, assuming that any book/publication (present company excluded, of course) that would have me MUST be a joke. So let’s joke. When it’s on it’s on.

And then I decided to take it seriously. Really wanting to document this year of our Lord (and baby) as it relates to my toy collection. Who knows? Maybe something will change in the next year or two and I won’t have it anymore (no plans, but still). It might be good to get things in order and do a survey..and hey! what a great opportunity, right?

So, for the past week or two, I’ve been diligently trying to push myself to take ‘good’ photos of my ‘best’ stuff. I’ve been attempting to ‘actually’ write answers and be ‘interesting’ in response to interviews. I’m thinking of themes for essays. That’s right: I write essays. No shit.

One of the stipulations of my participation in this thing—a stipulation I outlined at the beginning—was that I would not, under any circumstances, attempt a ‘collection’ shot of my toys, as I did not really want to tear my office apart. I didn’t want to learn about photography in that way. And I didn’t want to take the time. It was out of the question.

And so, in true Hateball fashion, I present to you a super-quick 2-minute flyby of the setup for the ‘collection’ shot I just took. The final shot will be submitted for the book and of course be rejected because of some flaw in craftsmanship. Or something.

REJECTED

SRSLY: To get all photogeek for a second. I took it at 20mm in 1 shot at F/22 with natural light. Was OK. Bad reflections. Then I decided that I wanted it crisper, so I took it at 50mm (also at F/22) in 2 shots and bungled the stitch. THEN, I returned with my 35mm portrait and also still had to get it in 2 shots, and the result was good once I removed the doors from my cases. And foiled the windows and switched to fluorescent light. Which I count as a sin. Against God and nature.

Finally, I used my business partner’s micro 4:3 shooting RAW at 90mm and stitched no less than 12 shots together. Unreal. It took, literally, the computing power that I assume UNREAL took a few years ago.

This thing here, though, was done in about 30 minutes using the Flip we got at our baby shower. I had a Jericho-sized headache at the time and could only see out of my right eye. I hope to return to the scene of the crime and take something longer…possibly narrated (that’s what she said). We’ll see. Please, at the very least, enjoy the sound of Danzig’s voice.

For now, Hateball’s gotta go away for a few days. I’ll be right back I promise…maybe we can go on that fishing trip NEXT weekend. Be good for your Crook while I’m away. And download Relics of Dune if you haven’t already. Best mix I’ve heard all year.

- Hateball