When I sat down to watch Intervision‘s special edition DVD of THINGS, I was prepared for poor dialogue, a frustrating plot, and other elements inherent in home-made horror cheese. But what unfurled over the next 84 minutes transcended anything I could have ever told myself I was ready for. THINGS goes beyond so-bad-it’s-good cinema and in the end, I couldn’t help but admire the earnest approach of filmmakers Andrew Jordan and Barry J. Gillis – two normal-ass guys whose love of horror films and beer led them to make Canadian history with the first shot-on-Super 8 horror flick commercially released on VHS.

THINGS begins with a surreal dream sequence involving a naked woman in a devil mask. Perfect. Cut to Don (Barry J. Gillis) and Fred (Bruce Roach) heading out to visit Don’s brother, Doug (Doug Bunston). When they arrive at Doug’s cabin, they can’t find Doug or his ill, pregnant wife Susan. While they wait for Doug to come home, they find an Alistair Crowley book in the freezer, along with a tape recorder. The tape sounds like some satanic ritual in slow-motion. This would be the perfect jumping point for the horror to begin, but THINGS doesn’t follow any conventions. The next five minutes see Don and Fred admiring Doug’s art collection. Then Doug finally arrives home and makes them cheese sandwiches (with a surprise inside!).

Susan then gives birth to a razor-toothed, clawed insect thing that quickly devours her. Doug explains that Susan and him were unable to have children, so she was artificially inseminated by world-renowned Dr. Lucas. There’s some shots of Dr. Lucas pulling a dude’s eyeball and tongue out, so his intentions might be suspect. Soon the whole cabin is infested with these little nasty things and it’s up to Don, Fred, and Doug to exterminate them using common household power tools.

There’s really not as much time spent fighting these little nasties though. Instead, there’s plenty of filler. Everything from Don telling a Scottish ghost story to Fred “spontaneously combusting” to looking for a fucking flashlight. These are the moments I enjoyed the most; when the guys are just hanging out, throwing back beers, and talking. Some of the dialogue is absolutely baffling. When Fred is checking out one of Doug’s paintings, Don tells him it was given to Doug by the queen of England. Don talks aloud about how he doesn’t like his beer, so he waters it down. But it’s not just the content of the dialogue that’s mind-boggling though, it’s how its delivered and how the characters react to it. Whether this was all intentional or not is anyone’s guess. Some insight into the dialogue is revealed in the DVD’s special features.

In the commentary track featuring director Andrew Jordan and Barry J. Gillis, Jordan says that during the post-dubbing, they were drunk. Gillis also states that he was drinking during some of the shoot. That explains a lot. They also talk about how they paid a hooker to be the naked devil-woman, and how they got porn star Amber Lynn to play the news caster (hint: money). There’s also a MST3K-style commentary track featuring the folks from L.A.’s Cinefamily.

Other special features include brief testimonials concerning different people’s experience with THINGS. These include Hobo With a Shotgun filmmakers and fellow Canucks Jason Eisener and Rob Cotterill, Texas Chainsaw director Tobe Hooper, and Paul Corupe, the creator of the mighty Canuxploitation.com. The THINGS 20th anniversary cast and crew reunion from 2008 is also included, which is mediated by a ventriloquist dummy. It’s during the reunion that director Andrew Jordan states that this film is a “postmodern movie about filmmaking.” This is about where my brain melted. Possibly my favorite extra, however, is a couple of TV appearances Barry made in 1989 to promote his film. Here’s one:

The DVD transfer maintains the film’s Super 8 fuzziness and mono sound, but it fits the film perfectly so anything clearer would take away from the experience. That’s how the film ends – with an appropriate credit that reads “You have just experienced THINGS.” That’s exactly how I felt; like I had just had an experience. A filthy one.

THINGS comes out July 12th on DVD. Preorder your copy here!

- Oh Mars