The train was late. I wasn’t much bothered by this detail though, mostly because I am not bothered by much. It was fine; I had time to kill, so there was really no reason to get upset. There I was, down in the subway station. It doesn’t matter which one; it could’ve been any stop, really, as you’ll see by what is soon to unfold.

The later the train became, the more people showed up. And the more people that showed up, well, the more ignobly noobish activity took place. It’s a common practice for people, if the train is running late, to keep peering down the track. Why? I don’t know. I suppose the idea behind leaning over the track and craning your neck is that perhaps you will spot the train finally arriving. It’s one of those things that makes absolutely no sense. Eventually the train will arrive and you will get on it. You’re not going to miss the train. There’s no chance of that happening. Even if you sit down with your eyes closed, or conversely, put on headphones but keep your eyes open, you’ll know when the train comes. Continuously peering down the track is not going to help, though consistently, day after day, people do it.

And though I am not bothered by much, this bothered me. Noobs bother me.

I’m a victim of it too, I must admit. Not every time I ride the train, of course; please, Reader, how could you think such things? No, it’s not every time, but sometimes, when the train is growing later and later, I do indeed find myself shifting my weight onto one foot to get a good lean going and better see down the track. And I scorn myself without relent, “Why are you doing this? You know it will come eventually. Stop noobing it.” For you see, though you and I are not noobs, Reader, we all occasionally deteriorate to the noobish qualities that have more or less been eliminated through evolution.

Yes, while noobs are painfully easy to identify, our research has revealed that many people are often mislabeled as a noob. Simple mistakes are easy to make and so one noobish fault here and there is not worthy of condemnation. Continuously checking for the train without reason does not make one a noob. It is a bad habit — and a noobish one at that — but we cannot be certain that the perpetrator, as a result of one noobish crime, is a full-fledged noob. Plenty of mindless, foolish mistakes are made everyday, and many times in subway stations (everything from people checking for trains, or their watch, to screwing up the card swipe procedure), but the people making these errors should generally be given the benefit of the doubt. Various scientific tests and data collections have revealed that it takes at least three consecutive mistakes to render an individual a noob.

On this particular day in which I judged the hell out of everyone who leaned over the track and I, myself, refrained from such leanings, the train eventually came, as I knew it would, and we boarded. It was me, the guy next to me, the woman next to him, and the rest of the train. Those were the passengers; it was about twenty of us. Nearby to me were two people, a young man and a young women, that I recognized from the platform, not as leaners, but as canoodlers. These two had been hugging and kissing and groping the entire time that the train was late. And that’s fine, I was not bothered by this. A lot of people take great offense to PDA, often considering it a noobish display. I do not. I relish in it, in fact.

On the train, however, things got noobish. Observe:

Woman: “I have no fruite at home! Fucking none! No fruit!”

Man: “No?”

Woman: “No! None!”

She started to cry.

Man: “Bummer.”

Woman: “Yeah.”

Bummer indeed.

It saddens me, really. The life of a noob — it’s no way to live! And this is just one, simple example of a small exchange between two noobs. It definitely is a travesty to live in a house with no fruit, but to be brought to tears? That is absurd. When I next caught up with these two they were both wearing sunglasses, and bear in mind we were still on the train, sharing a pair of iPod headphones, one bud per person, and blowing each other kisses. I’m all for PDA, but that’s just obnoxious.

At times I wish that I could help these noobs, perhaps put them on the right path, but such desires are futile as it would take an army much larger than just myself to rescue the masses of noobs and lead them to a higher plateau, a place of non-noobishness. So far what our research is revealing is that while there are some noobs who are indeed hopeless cases, born to noob it forever, others are the results of one too many simple mistakes. Pay attention to the noobs you observe, Reader, noobs on the streets, or in stores, for perhaps we can help them after all. Maybe, just maybe, one at a time we can correct these bad habits and encourage widespread reform, a sort of neutralization of noobity.

- Elbows