I’ve been trying to get somebody to buy me a Fruit Dehydrator for a couple of months now. Ideally my mother will buy one for me, but it could be purchased by anybody, really. I was hoping to receive one as a housewarming gift in July, but that event came and went with no sign of the essential appliance. Now I’m vying for ownership to coincide with my birthday in September. So far, my hopes are high.

When people hear that I want a fruit dehydrator they question my motive. “Why would you want a Fruit Dehydrator?” they ask. The answer is simple, and often is delivered in the form of a counter question:

Why wouldn’t I want a Fruit Dehydrator?

With one of these miracle-working machines, both consumers of fruit and fans of shriveled things alike (I being the former, though also the latter given the right circumstances) can finally take things into their own hands and have dried fruit whenever they like. There’s always that one peach in the bunch that you just didn’t get to, or the apple that got left out too long. Now, instead of throwing the mushy fruit away, or forcing yourself to eat it out of dedication to the dollar, you can just dry that juicy, over-ripe piece of produce out and enjoy it! It really is like a Fountain of Youth for fruit. Or, well, no I guess it’s not like that. What it is, actually, is it’s like a fountain that, if you were dying, you could go in and be healed, but under the condition that you will now be a senior citizen. Still alive, just old. That’s what it’s like.

I’ve wanted one of these machines since I was eleven, but things just never seemed to work out for me. It seemed like luck was on my side during the days leading up to my fifteenth birthday when both my parents began to increasingly drop hints concerning things old, and shriveled, but it turned out that the only surprise was an unexpected visit from my old, shriveled Aunt Delaney. And then, again, when I was eighteen, I thought for sure that a fruit dehydrator was in my future, as I was promised something really exciting and special for Christmas. It turned out to be just a brand new computer. You can bet I was pissed!

This is my year though. I can feel it! All the signs are there: I’ve been eating plenty of fruit, I’ve been staying dry, I’ve been seeing lots of machines around, and on top of all those, I just got a haircut! That last one is always a good sign. With these clear messages from the heavens presenting themselves all at once, I am confident that this year, finally, I will be gifted a Fruit Dehydrator.

And plus, besides just having the feeling, Fruit Dehydrators were recently featured on Bon Apetit‘s website as part of a feature entitled the Five Best Kitchen Gadgets for Healthier Cooking. Boom! Check that out. The Fruit Dehydrator is on the come up. I don’t mean to think of myself as a trend setter — a revolutionary, if you will — but the Fruit Dehydrator very well could be the next shutter shades, otherwise known as Kanye Glasses. Pretty soon, I imagine, Fruit Dehydrators will be available on street corners and party stores alike, and most likely for a much cheaper price then they’re original, high-fashion counterparts. This doesn’t upset me, however. Some people might be upset that something they pined for and cherished, something that only they believed in and thought of as cool would suddenly be propelled into the mainstream (see: fans of Odd Future), now becoming the poster child of “cool.” Not me, however. I wish only the best for the Fruit Dehydrator. I believed in the potential benefits of owning one when no one else would even hear its case, the potential to totally revolutionize the fruit eating industry as well as the home kitchen. I hope that one day everyone will have a Fruit Dehydrator. They’re that awesome.

Other things that I want for my birthday, as long as we’re on the subject are Wind Chimes, preferably metal, but wooden wouldn’t be so bad, one of those spy tools that cuts circular holes in glass, I’m not sure what they’re actually called, or a Race Car Bed. Any of those things I would be happy with, but the Fruit Dehydrator is definitely number one.

- Elbows