We are entering the teeth of the Albatross, my friends. October is nigh, and with that comes the beginning of the super boner jam that is the Fall/Winter gaming schedule. Game after game shall be released, fucking your wallet and titillating your tits. The most double-edged of swords as you moan in glory and horror.
This is Press Start!, the weekly column where we – you, me, and that guy in the corner in the sweat pants – talk about the happenings in the gaming world. My list is out of order, not reflective of the impact, and most importantly: not proof read.
#1: Fan Makes ‘Twin Peaks’ Atari 2600 Game.
I haven’t watched Twin Peaks. Doesn’t that make me such a scrub? One of those things where I know I’ll like it and I totally want to get into it but for one reason or another I haven’t taken the dive. Most similar to this in my life is my creepy obsession with wondering what it’d be like to inject saline into my testicles. Ever since Warren Ellis’ Crooked Little Vein I sometimes pat my crotch lovingly and imagine walking around with elephantitis for a couple of hours. The balls! How they hang.
Anyways back to this game.
Created by indie developer Jak Locke, the game is free to download for PC and Mac. For fans of the show or for those of us who rub our sadly not-swollen testicles contemplating enjoying the game and series it seems like the most dopest of endeavors.
#2: 3D Gaming’s Popularity Is Low. Finally Sense.
The Nintendo 3DS was a fucking dumb idea from the get-go. Nintendo tried to ride the (perhaps nonexistent) wave of 3D popularity, parlaying it into an entire console. Overpriced and under loved. They’re stapling another analog stick onto the side of it and are rubbing their testicles not with imagined love like myself, but with the knowledge consumers are aiming for their low-hanging fruit.
There’s a report with some hilarious statistics. From owners of the 3DS, 28% said the 3D detracted. 13% played with it off. This is in contrast to a mere 22% who thought the THIRD DIMENSION enhanced the gameplay. They probably also loved the shit out of CD-i and thought the Jaguar was going to make a solid run.
Burn, Nintendo 3Ds!, burn! I shall dance on your slightly nauseating from the burning plastic ashes!
#3: Square Enix CEO Says Final Fantasy’s Brand Is Damaged. Blames FFXIV.
The CEO of Square Enix recently puked vapor words all over a press conference when he admitted that the Final Fantasy brand was damaged. The CEO, Sir Clueless Blundercrotch then went on to blame the staggeringly awesome in its awfulness FFIX for the demise of the sheen. He didn’t blame the endless spin-offs, cell phone games, and general shittiness with which they’ve handled what was once a sterling franchise.
He didn’t blame FF XIII, a game whose suck left me with an emptiness that can only be compared to the time I realized George Lucas was actually Fat Mole Man McFuck, and Metal Gear Solid 4 was actually Hideo Kojima’s community college sociocultural philosophy thesis.
Blundercrotch may have incorrectly identified the source of Franchise Suck, but here’s hoping his ability to finally see the gooey gaping wound deep in the stomach of his franchise will force him to address the problems.
My prediction? Final Fantasy XIII-3: Lightning Erotica Gunplay Gaiden. For the iPad.
#4: Dude Chokes Out Kid Who Shit Talked Him In Black Ops. Hero.
Mark Bradford is a winner. 46 year-old jobless father and avid video games lost his shit despite his fortune and success one day after being shit talked relentlessly by some punk ass kid. Snapping and seizing a moment of True Glory and Self-Affirmation found the address of the 13 year-old. Hunted him down. And choked him.
Bradford’s serious life lesson was interrupted by the gamer’s Mom, but I think the message resounded. Us fat older gamers have a hard enough go of it getting served by kids who are younger than some of the jizz stains on my beloved shirts. Take it easy on us. Or we’re liable to come to your house and put some smack upside your head.
Slow clap, Mr. Bradford. Slow clap.
#5: Real-World Campaigning Coming To Farmville.
Politics is coming to Farmville. So you better tend to that fucking garden and pull your pants up around the cows. All succulent and shit with their udders. Politics is coming to Farmville and soon you’ll be able to campaign within that little virtual world where so many people like to spend their days.
This. This is awesome.
I’m all for the shedding of flesh and a transition to an intangible wunder-world where that saline solution I’m seeking for my testicles is but a microtransaction away. This is neat, and hopefully the shape of things to come!
Discard the mollusk-shell of your physical life! Pick those carrots and go campaigning in the cyberverse.
This is the future I wanted.
For more of my bullshit, Omega Level is the glory hole you’re looking for.- Caffeine Powered