Steady Peddlin’: We’re Seriously Damaged Crapsacks
Yesterday I took my girlfriend to eat at this place where Greenpoint Coffee House used to be and we got stabbed in the guts with diarrhea pangs before we had even made it the three blocks back to my apartment. I let her use the bathroom first but her promises that she would be quick were a lie and I had to poop in a grocery bag that I held between my legs in the kitchen. It was a surprisingly neat procedure and feces didn’t spray all over the place like a cartoon. It did smell pretty awful though. Sometimes you can forget how much shitting into water can mask the stench of what your insides smell like. Christ.
So I placed my crapsack on the fire escape and washed my hands. When she came out I admitted that I’d shit in a bag. She went over to the fire escape to see and as she did so I held her mouth shut with my hand so that she would have no option but to breathe through her nose, fully absorbing the horror that had once dwelled inside me. She got pretty violent after that.
One thing you don’t realize about blumpkins until you get one is that the real humiliation isn’t that the lady is sucking your dick while you’re on the toilet but that she can only breathe through her nose while her face is right next to the toilet.
I had one of those glass encased showers at an old apartment and I liked to fart in the shower with a different girlfriend and she would scream and claw at the glass walls of the shower. I referred to this as my concentration camp trick.
Why is it such a wonderful thing to make your significant other smell your shit? I’m not some sort of shitophile, I think I’m just a bully. I guess this is just a fun form of abuse that doesn’t leave a mark for me. I guess I’m just damaged.
Anyway this hat is a five panel cap that will fit anybody.
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