Now, I typically don’t like to scrutinize those of an older generation for any mistakes they make regarding the use of technology, but this phenomenon is too interesting to not at least touch on. The majority of popular social networks were not initially created for an older generation, we can determine this simply by citing the origins of Facebook. Sure enough, however, these networks have evolved over time to include people of all ages.

And it is a welcome evolution, certainly. My mother, for instance, has a Facebook, and she not only posts more interesting things than anybody else with whom I’m friends, but is also way funnier than them, too. So, Reader, let us not assume that someone older than us using Facebook is inherently wrong.

Now, having said that, I observe many noobish mistakes made by adults using Facebook. The offenses vary in significance but generally pertain to two frequent mistakes. The first: tone. It seems that adults address each other and comment with a much more formal tone than a younger Facebook user. It’s an inappropriate formality, the type you might use in a letter to a potential employer, or in a thank you note to a mother-in-law. Recently, following a town-wide blackout, my mother’s friend Laurie posted a status in which she posed the question as to whether or not Strawberry Village, a small shopping center where the local coffee shop is located, had power. Janet, a woman I don’t know, answered her. It went something like this:

Laurie: Is there power in Strawberry Village (coffee?)

Janet: Laurie — I have power and a keurig — you may come to my house for coffee.

Whoa. Take it easy. A simple, “Yeah, they do!” or, “No, but come over, I’ve got coffee,” would have sufficed. I mean, and pardon me for nitpicking, she didn’t even answer the question! Laurie is still in the dark as to whether or not the coffee shop in Strawberry has power (I really can’t stand puns and didn’t want to use that one, but whatever, it seemed fitting).

It’s really a matter of being too formal. Janet did not need to clarify that she was talking to Laurie; just by commenting on the post her intended audience was made clear. The sense of formality seems to arise from an unconventional use of punctuation. Janet’s improper use of hyphens is just that: improper. In addition to name-dropping Laurie’s own name to her, Janet merges two complete sentences into one, oddly separated, semi-braggadocio offering. Likewise, the whole “you may” appears condescending, not because of the traditional use of “you may” but because of the abnormal, and short tone implied with the punctuation.

Along the same lines of improper punctuation use comes this message that a gentleman left on Laurie’s wall:

Gentleman: “I like that profile pic….”

“…”? Seriously? The ellipsis is just about the most suggestive thing you could write, outside of straight up posting “Hey, I want to have sex with you.” However, this was not the gentleman’s intention. For starters, Laurie is married, which doesn’t necessarily rule out adultery, especially considering the whole affairs-are-the-new-book-club thing; but that’s not it. No, the use of ellipsis by this unwed gentleman is simply a noobish punctuation error. And although this does not suggest an inappropriate level of formality, it is a frequent mistake that suggests confusion in terms of forum. Like Janet’s use of the hyphen we observed before, many adults will connect several sentences with ellipses, resulting in no actual punctuation. This phenomenon occurs out of a general confusion about what Facebook is; generations elder than mine cannot understand whether Facebook is an ultra formal setting, or one where any sort of logical punctuation is unnecessary.

Yes, what ends up being the output of most adults on Facebook is either too formal, or straight uneducated. Because, really, it was not an ellipsis that this noob used, but four periods. Or an ellipsis with a period at the end, and neither of those are anything.

Also, I am certain that this gentleman is complementing Laurie in a purely platonic way because his name on Facebook is Gary L – The MadMan.

In addition to Gary’s ellipsis-period innovation, a lack of pronouns can be observed among Facebook noobs. For instance, while skimming my mother’s news feed I saw this comment in regard to a backup generator: “Can we borrow?” It. Can we borrow it? Why, just because it’s Facebook, is the “it” dropped? Of course, among an older generation the noobism of “In regard to the generator, may we please borrow it from you?” is just as likely. There’s either a heaping of superfluous words, or else an absence of critical ones. Along those same lines I saw: “truck rented…now can relax”. That’s not even how you would say it in your head! You wouldn’t sit down and think, “Ah, now can relax.” Noobs.

Following punctuation, the second fault made by adults on Facebook is occasion. Many of these poorly worded comments are to be found on statuses or images with which they have nothing to do. For instance: Profile picture? Yeah, I guess you could comment “Hey how are you?” here, but that really isn’t the right place. Similarly, on a status about upcoming weekend plans don’t comment, “Want to get lunch?” Just do it on the person’s wall.

A lot of this may sound merely like trivial issues of me being pedantic, but that’s not the case. These social criticisms stem purely from academia, in an attempt to uncover and understand the rationale of the noob. They also stem from my want to criticize the hell out of those socially inept. Though again, it is not my intention to overly criticize adults who noob it on Facebook, but simply observe this bizarre technological breakdown. As I have said, my mother does funnier things on Facebook than anyone my age, so I welcome the addition of parents and adults.

This study seems to conclude that, at a certain age, otherwise sane, rational humans decay into noobs. However, this theory is inconsistent, as many people avoid the noob condition, and conversely, others are born noobs. Though it does seem that for many individuals, whether the cause is age or the introduction of a new technological medium, noobity occurs through a failure to adapt. Perhaps, Reader, you will one day post comments like Laurie’s friend Janet, saying, “Very cute………..” on my mother’s profile picture, or “Not gonna lie, wanted to ‘like’ this photo!” leaving people unsure about whether or not you liked the photo, and now weary of your general trustworthiness. Chances are this will not be the case with you, Reader; you seem like you’ve got a good handle on things. Though for now all we can do is continue our studies on the noob to ensure we avoid this most terrible path.

- Elbows