Let me preface this by saying that I know it’s an odd thing to call a terrorist organization “awesome,” even an imaginary one, but seriously – Cobra are just that, friggin’ awesome. No where in all of comic, cartoon or toydom has there ever been a villainous group whose awesomeness was at such great disparity from the heroes. As a a kid I was buying Cobra action figures at a rate of 4 to each Joe I got. They just couldn’t be touched with how cool they all looked. I don’t who the hell was tasked with character design for most of Cobra, but has there ever been a greater collection of villain costumes on the planet?

So this week’s High Five is gonna be dedicated to five of my favorite Cobra costumes, but specifically ones that aren’t as commonly known. Because let’s face it, we all know how incredible Destro and Cobra Commander look. Serpentor was bananas. Firefly? A dude who sort of looks like a ninja in grey camo? Are you fucking kidding me!? Then there’s the nerdy BSDM beauty that is the Baroness, the Aussie chameleon Zartan (who kinda had a Kiss-meets-Alice Cooper face paint thing going on) and of course Storm Shadow, who was able to make a white pajama ninja costume looks sick thanks to that big red Cobra emblem on his chest. And don’t get me started on just the generic Cobra grunts and officer uniforms like the Crimson Guard and Viper costumes! But I don’t really need to tell you all of this because I think (I hope!?) you all already how cool they all were.

But these five below you may not be all that familiar with. Maybe you just never got that deep into G.I. Joe lore, or maybe you stopped watching the cartoon, reading the comic book or collecting the toys early in the series. Hell, maybe I’m wrong and everyone here has a deep knowledge and appreciation for the uniforms and characters of Cobra, whatever. But here are my five favorites from the outskirts of the most bad ass terrorist organization that was ever invented.

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5) B.A.T.s – Cobra Android Trooper (1986) // Series Five

I’m gonna start out light with one that I don’t think is all that obscure but tends to get lost in the mix of incredible Cobra costumes. If a see-through chest and cybernetic arms with interchangeable weapon attachments weren’t cool enough, B.A.T.’s have one of the sickest helmets in all of Cobra. That thing looks like a cold-blooded killer…which of course they were.

From the filecard:

B.A.T.s are the perfect Cobra trooper. They never question orders, shirk duty or surrender. They are cheap and easy to replace. However, B.A.T.s do not react well to changes in field conditions, or discriminate well between targets. They will shoot at anything that moves. Cobra Infantrymen don’t like to be on the same battlefield with B.A.T.s, and will sometimes dispense B.A.T.s into a losing battle, by kicking them out of low-flying aircraft without parachutes. B.A.T.s also have a tendency to burst into flame when hit from behind.

I only wish they made a variant from the original mold that featured the red visor that B.A.T.s had in the cartoon series.

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4) Big Boa – Cobra Trainer (1987) // Series Six

I don’t think Big Boa ever appeared in either the original cartoon or comic book (not counting the Rank & File handbooks). He was Cobra’s trainer and the guy who got tasked with getting all the lowly recruits into shape before they became troopers, vipers or ended up in Dr. Mindbender’s lab.

I have no clue what the deal is with that crazy helmet with a breathing tube, but dude was clearly pretty physically fit to be able to train and box with that thing on, because it looks heavy as fuck! I always wondered if Boa did any personal training sessions with some of the more decorated characters?

From the filecard:

Cobra Troopers can be an unruly bunch at times. They aren’t motivated by patriotism, unit loyalty, honor or sense of duty. It takes a brutal, unfeeling taskmaster to whip them into fighting trim and Big Boa fits the bill to a tee. He has a voice like a bullhorn, fists the size of frozen turkeys, and the disposition of a bear with a sore head.

Big Boa kicks open the Cobra barracks door at 0500 and makes everyone do a low crawl up the mountain while pushing a bowling ball with their noses. Then, it’s a twenty mile run through the bramble thickets, more push-ups than you want to know about, and a two mile swim upstream with a flak jacket and helmet. After breakfast he starts on the HARD stuff!

Boa is also Cobra’s most homoerotic looking character with those red studded straps. It’s like Tom of Finland meets Mad Max, and we all know what that HARD stuff alluded to in his filecard was…

Also, while I have no proof, my gut tells me that Big Boa’s appearance in some way inspired Batman’s Bane.

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3) Range-Viper – Cobra Wilderness Troppers (1990) // Series Nine

Another series nine creation! These guys were Cobra’s “Wilderness Troopers,” and they looked how some gang from the Warriors would have looked had they ransacked Patagonia in the 90s. That skeletal faceplate was way sick and reminded me a lot of Star Wars Scout troopers. But the icing on the cake was the brain textured helmet… that was nice touch, character designer, whoever you are.

From the filecard:

Range-Vipers are usually committed to long-term operations deep within unfriendly territory, completely cut off from communications or supplies. They have an unusually high tolerance for discomfort and can survive on a diet of snakes, grubs, roots, berries, nuts, and whatever slow rodents they can catch. They are expected to build their shelters out of indigenous materials, usually rocks and mud, and procure their own ammunition by way of hit and run raids on enemy ammo depots.

Range-Vipers are favorites of the Cobra High Command since they are so inexpensive to sustain. Once they’re in the field, they don’t cost anything to feed, clothe, and arm. Range-Vipers don’t care who they shoot, as long as they shoot at someone or something. That’s why the Cobra High Command makes sure they stay out in the bush.

I also love the grenade launcher that Range-Vipers came with. They were generally the sort of figure who would look bad ass aboard some open-top vehicle.

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2) Snow Serpent – Cobra Polar Assault (1985) // Series Four

Ever since watching The Empire Strikes Back as a kid, I’ve had a huge thing for arctic assaults. Ice planet Hoth was bad ass and I loved the costumes both the Rebel Alliance and The Empire employed to battle one another and survive the frigid climate. Snow Troopers were my favorites, with their heavy coat/cloak type things and face guards.

Cobra Snow Serpents basically upped the ante for me, though. Their costumes evoked the same bundled-up, sinister menace that the Snow Troopers did, but Snow Serpents looked totally realistic and of our world. They had a sick faceplate and helmet, and a great use of color with mostly whites, very light greys and bright blue straps. But the kicker for me was their furry arm and collar trims.

From the filecard:

SNOW SERPENTS are the Arctic Specialist branch of the COBRA EEL unit (COBRA frogmen). They must undergo the same rigorous training program as COBRA EEL troops with the addition of a six-month cold weather course somewhere above the Arctic Circle. Other aspects of their training include airborne operations (under arctic conditions), anti-tank procedures and the use of snowshoes, skis and kayaks.

If the COBRA EEL troops are the elite COBRA naval branch, then the SNOW SERPENTS are the best of the best. How else could you characterize an individual who would parachute onto an ice floe in sub-zero temperatures and then be prepared to march 50 miles with full field pack, assault rifle and anti-tank weapons?

Snow Serpents also came with one of the more unique accessories for any Joe figure (arctic based or not)… a pair of those tennis racket looking snow shoes. Combine that with a rocket launcher and an AK-47, and these dudes were set for the coming of the next Ice Age.

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1) Alley-Viper – Urban Assault Trooper (1989) // Series Eight

Well here’s my number one, and it’s one of the more obscure Cobra Viper types, of course. These guys were like Cobra riot police… I have no clue why they have bright orange and blue stick camouflage uniforms though? Maybe they were supposed to blend in and control crowds at Knicks and Mets games?

But this bizarre color scheme was part of the reason why I really loved Alley-Vipers so much. No other character in the G.I. Joe universe was utilizing this sort of color scheme. Plus it took some serious swagger to rock orange and blue, yet still look like you’d merk anything and everything in your path.

From the filecard:

The ALLEY VIPERS are the Cobra equivalent of a police S.W.A.T. unit or British S.A.S. (Special Air Service). They form the spearhead of Cobra’s inner-city invasion forces. This elite contingent of marauders are true masters of brutality, possessing a style of ruthlessness not present in other Cobra soldiers! Recruited from Cobra’s most diabolical combat divisions, Alley Vipers use various forms of treachery to achieve their objectives! In order to graduate from their training program, they are required to survive a full burst of machine gun fire across their frontal body armor, execute a thirty foot jump onto concrete with full combat load and run down a hundred meter gas-filled corridor without a gas mask!

Alley Vipers are big and strong as well as ruthless! Their body armor alone weighs 50 pounds and they carry at least 30 pounds of weapons, ammo, grenades, and climbing gear. You definitely don’t want one of these gorillas running up and kicking your door down!

These guys were some serious urban commandos with their flip-down face guard over that bright blue cowl, and then there’s that big-ass shield. That shield is still, to this day, my single favorite G.I. Joe weapon accessory. Something about the size and shape, it’s just too awesome. Plus his big ass gun and backpack weren’t too shabby either. I only wish that crossbow was detachable.

P.S. If you want a few honorable mentions that narrowly didn’t make the list? Here you go… Desert Scorpion, Night Creeper and Copperhead.

- My Pal the Crook