“In a few weeks’ time, you’ll be gathered around the Thanksgiving table, breaking bread with your friends and family in honor of Pure Pilgrims’ triumph over the Scary Savages. Before you stab your kid brother in the neck with the salad fork, take a peek at all of the celebrants – each one of them is a goddamn gamer. Your meathead, pigskin-huckin’ cousin is a Call of Duty fiend. Your fat little sister gets down with DDR. Gramps delays death with WiiFit. Hell, even Auntie Craggy plays Farmville and Fat Uncle Drunkard has a Sudoku app for his mobile. This is the future. And we’re all gamers.”
This is Press Start.
#1. Mass Effect 3 Beta Leaks Early
You have to understand that the only thing that leaks early for me is my penis. I’ll be sitting here on my computer chair Geek throne, awash in caffeinated bladder time. One more refresh of a pointless page!, I say to myself. Eyes watering. Have to piss. One more! Then the penis, it dribbles. Leaking. Early. I’m jealous as a mofuckah’ at those who got the Mass Effect 3 private beta early. Now that’s a leak. The piece of shit leaked through people who go to preview the new Xbox Dashboard. Another thing I did not get to participate in. I have sunblock and anal nitrate guys!, let me play.
The Mass Effect 3 story also leaked this week, so if you feel like ruining the conclusion to the dopest most ballin’ sci-fi gaming space opera since Example X Here, you can do so. Me? I’ll be awaiting. A-peeing in anticipation.
(Also leaking since I last saw you? The GTA V map.)
#2. PETA Claims ‘Battlefield 3′ Will Turn You Into An Animal Killer
PETA thinks that the ability to kill a rat in Battlefield 3 will turn you into some sort of blood thirsty animal killer. ‘Cause you know the corrosive moral implications of being able to stomp a rodent in a video game. It’s a slippery slope. One minute you’re doing that, the next you’re posing in the intestines of your horse with your bat-shit crazy girlfriend. Naked! That you had to euthenize. With a rifle. Slippy slopes guys, slippery slopes indeed. Dante wasn’t fucking around.
At this point, PETA just needs to shut the fuck up. There ain’t been no game that made me want to kill an animal. Outside of Super Mario Bros. I hate Goombas. If I ever saw one of those motherfuckers in real life I wouldn’t hesitate to stomp that son of a bitch until its brain-pieces were shit-muck. Stomp! Smash! I would smile as I felt their feeble spinal cord give way underneath my 200 lbs of Pure American Muscle. Muscle crafted through supplements and hormone-soaked beef and Cheese Products.
Fuck Goomas. No-arms always-lurking lackey bastards.
#3. Next Microsoft Console Codenamed “Loop”
Microsoft’s next console has its own codename, so you know that shit is getting real. The name isn’t as cool as Project Dolphin which was the nickname for the GameCube in-house at Nintendo back in the day. But what is? Besides, reading the title as an accurate text for the predicament of the console-generation, it makes a lot more sense. The Loop!
“The Loop! Welcome to Microsoft’s Everything Center! A closed-circuit cycle of multimedia entertainment! The Loop! A labyrinthine nexus of the distractions you love in one convenient place! You’ll never, ever want to get out of the Loop!, and you couldn’t if you tried! Give way to the diegetic absorptions that keep you if not happy, complacent! Gaming into television into the Internet back into the gaming! You’ll love it! You have to! Otherwise there’s only the darkness and oblivion of the status quo! The Loop! From Microsoft.”
#4. Mortal Kombat Flash Dancing
Speaking of the singing and dancing crap of the world! Mortal Kombat flash dancing. Pretty fucking ridiculous. When monotony rules the roost, how do we escape? Acts of absurd social rebellion make a lot of sense to my dumb, under-over-educated ass. Dress up as motherfuckin’ Liu Kang and shake your ass in the closest Metropole. Rock your rump to the vibes plumbing the depths of your Simian brain-pipes. Feel the bass in your soul!
Breakdancing as Scorpion. There’s far, far more lamentable ways to spend your evenings.
#5. Gearbox Honors Deceased Borderlands Fan With NPC
The folks at Gearbox Software are pure resonating class. Michael John Mamaril passed away at the age of 22, and his friend Carlo managed to hook up with the studio for a pretty fucking fantastic memorial. They had Claptrap record a eulogy for the gaming fan, but they didn’t stop there. Michael will be commemorated as an NPC in the sequel to the Sandy Apocalyptic Loot Grind. (A game I love.) Gearbox has a great rapport with their community, and this is yet another example. I mean, fuck, when the game dropped the creative director hooked up people who preordered the game. In game. With loot. That he dispensed himself. The sort of extra mile that builds a fanbase. Frreal.
Slow clap for pure class.
What caught your eyes this week in gaming? Hit me!
For more of my dork-culture-nonsense, hit up Omega Level.- Caffeine Powered