Happy Thanksgiving internet homies! I’m thankful for all of you, shouts to your presence! On this so gustatory of holidays, it would seem imprudent to devote this week’s High Five to anything other than food. Though I may or may not be currently sitting in my apartment alone drinking a Four Loko, I know all of you out there are loosening your belts and getting ready to tuck into a mighty fine feast.
Some might say that each of the foods that currently dot your table – whether protein, starch, condiment, or otherwise – is of equal importance and contribute to an overall mosaic of hearty American flavor. Some people are liars. We all have our favorite Thanksgiving items, the ones we go for first before your strange relative grabs it. Here are mine.
Honorable Mention: Next-Day Turkey Sammies
Though not technically a part of the dinner, the leftover turkey and its presence in your lunch for the next week may in fact be the sleeper hit of your stomach’s holiday season. Throw some extra cranberry sauce in that motherfucker (canned or otherwise, I don’t judge) and you’re in business. Perfect for football games that Sunday.
That being said, you will eventually reach that day when you know you’ve been pushing the turkey too far. Sometime near the beginning of December, you’ll throw the last of your turkey scraps on some white bread, take a bite, and you’ll know you’ve transgressed. Remember folks, always practice safe leftovers!
5. Cranberry Sauce
I already shouted it out as a sandwich moisturizer (or sandwich lube, as some of my gully friends would say) but I don’t want to ignore its very important presence on the Thanksgiving table. Pop open that can and slide that gelatinous little lump of red goodness out into a bowl. It’s ribbed for your pleasure!
Or, if you’re feeling more Brooklyn-y, you can swag out with some heart homemade cranberry sauce, which is really much more like a delicious preserve or jam. It’s tart, sweet, and one of the few items that you really only have on Thanksgiving, an attribute that (as you will see) I am particularly fond of.
4. Mashed Potatoes/Sweet Potatoes
First I gotta give props to your regular old white starch, mashed potatoes. If the conversation is boring, you get to fashion it into a Devils Tower, which is always fun, and it’s gluey nature is a good binding agent to keep everything settled in your stomach. Plus, in a roundabout way, it’s sort of responsible for bringing gravy to the table, even though you will invariably end up pouring it over everything.
But the real ‘tater star for me is the mashed sweet potatoes. And if you’re not fuckin’ with the flambé lil’ marshmallows on top of that silky orange dynamo then I don’t know what kind of strange and empty life you’re living. An obvious dessert that has capitalized on its deliciousness to gain a spot as a side, I salute you sweet potatoes.
3. Turkey
Uh-oh, curveball! Not even in the top two? Yeah, I know, I went there. Don’t get me wrong, I love turkey. #3 is nothing to be ashamed of. But let’s be honest with ourselves here: unless you’re really lucky, it’s gonna be a lil bit dry. You can tell yourself little bullion lies by drowning it in gravy, but especially as the long meal stretches on, you’re gonna find yourself dealing with some mealiness.
That being said, turkey can also be magically delicious. I’m a dark meat/skin guy myself, and those sections are definitely money. You can also cook some proper new potatoes (y’know, those little guys) in the turkey pan and they’ll absorb all the good turkey flavorings, so it’s multifunctional. But, though it makes a wonderful centerpiece for the table, and is the figurehead of the meal, it will never be my favorite.
2. Pies
Lemme let you in on a little secret: cake fucking sucks. And yet, it is the baked dessert that we are so consistently subjected to throughout the year. Luckily, no one gets down with cake on Thanksgiving. No, instead we have a wonderful little tryst with it’s infinitely sexier cousin, pie! Pumpkin, cherry, apple, strawberry-rhubarb, pecan: all appropriate Thanksgiving desserts and all capable of giving you mouth O’s. Sorry about that.
The simple fact that ice cream is the universally agreed upon topping for this dessert makes it an even better exclamation point to your meal. Even you’re stomach knows how great it is. You might be as full as you’ve ever felt after the turkey and all the sides, you may be burping up green beans, getting meat sweats, and hallucinating a bit, but there is always, and I mean always room for pie. Preferably multiple slices.
1. Stuffing
The fact that stuffing isn’t eaten year round blows my mind. It’s either a testament to our ignorance, or an amazing amount of self control based on the knowledge that if stuffing was allowed throughout the year we would all be outrageously fat. The Thanksgiving I was at last year had four different kinds of stuffing at it. There are pictures of me at that meal and I look so happy it almost freaks me out.
That’s how much I love stuffing. Bready, salty, umami filled, turkey-tastin’, fruit and veggie somehow containin’, endlessly adaptable stuffing takes all of the best holiday flavors and, in a very American way, smushes them all together violents into one superfood which is then cooked inside of a dead bird. If that’s not Thanksgiving then I don’t know what is. Stuffing: it’s what I’m thankful for.
