Farewell, Herman Cain

This year it was my dream that there would be a Republican Presidential Candidate named Thomas Abel, and that the nomination would boil down to a heated race between Abel and Herman Cain, and that when Cain won by a landslide the headlines would read, “Cain Kills Abel!”

Alas, now that dream is gone.

This week Herman Cain dropped out of the 2012 Presidental race to the public’s sarcastic cry of “Oh no!” Comedians everywhere took a blow from the withdrawal, as now a daily source of outstanding material has vanished. For weeks I’ve wanted to write a piece about the man whose campaign anthem was “Big Pimpin’” that would examine (make fun of) all of the greatest Herman Cain videos. There’s the one where he calls Wolf Blitzer “Blitz”, his renaming of Uzbekistan (you know, “Uzbeki-beki-beki-stan-stan”), and of course his immense knowledge of foreign policy and current happenings in Libya, seen above. This might be my favorite Cain clip. It’s a hard choice, but he really just knows nothing about Libya in the video up top. I’m going to miss Herman Cain. He brought this presidential race to life. Well, Cain, along with Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry. In honor of Herman Cain, can I get one last “9-9-9″?

No? Okay.

“December 4th”

I’m weird about music. I only listen to certain things at certain times. Miles Davis‘ Round About Midnight is reserved for December and January when I’m at home, in my car; “April Fools” by Aretha Franklin can only be listened to in April; And anything by Weezer is strictly for when I am between the ages of fourteen and eighteen.

Jay-Z‘s “December 4th” gets the same treatment. I love this song. I love it. It’s one of the best cuts on The Black Album. Be that as it may, I only can listen to it on the actual day of December 4. It’s just a thing I do (a thing called having severe neuroses). Fortunately, today is December 4! I can listen to it today! In fact, I exclusively listen to this song on the fourth. No matter what music I’ve been playing lately, or even if I feel like listening to something else, I can only listen to “December 4th”. So, yeah. If you feel like stepping your neurotic game up, start doing this. I like pickles.

Apply Your Yarmelkes Now

I’m Jewish for two reasons: the jokes and the holidays. I’m not religiously Jewish, just culturally. If there’s room for a Jew joke, I’ll make it; a day off from school for a Jewish holiday, I’ll take it. Ever since moving away from home though, Chanukah has been a real bummer. I can rarely find someone to get me one gift for a cultural holiday I observe out of completely materialistic reasons, let alone eight! This year, I’m not gonna stand for it. This year, I’m gonna do something about it. With that I present to you, my Chanukah list:

1. A massage

I’ve built up a lot of bodily stress this year. I’ve never had a professional massage before, just the shitty ones that your friends who claim they’re “great at giving massages” give. Now, I want a real one. Man or woman, I don’t care. Just someone, please, rub me down.

2. Benihana Cooking Lessons

Did you know these exist? These are actually a thing. Last winter I was at Benihana with my mother, and the wonderful self-promoters they are, they mentioned that these are now available. Let me get there. You’ve read my cooking articles, you know of my expertise in the kitchen. I need these.

3. Jay-Z’s Decoded

I actually want this. The hardcover version. Don’t skimp on me, Reader.

4. Anything Unreleased By J.D. Salinger

Salinger’s my favorite author of all time. Him, and Italo Calvino. And he’s got so much unreleased stuff locked away in his former home, would it be that hard for someone to discreetly break a window and grab a couple manuscripts? Even just one; i’ll take just one. Help me out.

5. A Bunch Of Goat Cheese

Let’s face it, it’s the best cheese.

6. A Cheese Grader

This has nothing to do with the above goat cheese. It just seems like a good thing to have.

7. Big Lurch’s “It’s All Bad” On Vinyl. Or On CD. Or Even Just The Name Big Lurch Written On A Piece Of Paper

No one eats someone like Big Lurch.

8. Anything With Polka Dots

Put it on a button up, or some socks, or jeans. It’s a great pattern.

Well, that’s my list. My goal in posting this is that some of you faithful Bloglin readers will come to my aid and get me Chanukah gifts. After all the hilarious posts I’ve given you this year, do I not deserve that? No, you’re right, I probably don’t. In that case, use this list as a guide if you’re unsure of what to get someone this holiday season. I generally know what people like. I am culture.

- Elbows