This is Near Mint Condition. At the end of a long fucking day, during a long fucking week in which I haven’t actually read any comic books, I come to you. My task!, should I choose to accept it: to tell you the funny books I’m buying during this ungodly weekly cycle. All I ask in return is that you partake in this community (I accidentally typed ‘cummunity’ so you can see the threads coming apart in here) by rattling off the swag you’re either buying or interested in that are dropping this week. It’s a simple conceit. Yet in these complicated times, isn’t that just a bit comforting? Make the nips soften a bit knowing every Wednesday lies some friends and some funnies.
Don’t know what’s coming out? Hit ComicList, then come back here. We’ll wait.
Justice League #6
I showed the cover of Justice League #6 to Freud and the dude just passed the fuck out with giggles. Was rolling on the ground, all coked-up and bleary eyed. I saw what he meant though. Jesus Christ, a bunch of spandex-clad dudes paying supplication to Dark-Seed or whatever. Christ almighty even Aquaman’s mammoth trident is being pulled down towards the Seed, while Batman’s mouth-muzzle is right on his the baddie’s Hogwarts. When Freud woke up he tried to sneak a peak at the cover again, but couldn’t help but pointing out how much vigor Jim Lee put into rendering Hal Jordan’s taut puckering asshole of chitin-armored subservience. Dude’s got a point.
Wait, about the comic? Probably the last fucking issue I buy of it. Been bored. Ready to complete the first arc and then reallocate funds towards something *worth* purchasing.
If you’re a fan of science-fiction and gritty dystopian social commentary and you’re not snagging this Azzarello/Risso joint, you’re a true asshole. Deep into your soul, the Asshole strand of DNA has wound itself. Coiling around your Good Taste and is slowly siphoning your life force. Or maybe you’re just pressed for cash, behind on your other comics, or it simply wasn’t for you. I’m voting former, those guilty as charged are probably throwing their chips in with the latter. Spaceman is good shit. I could explain to you why — but I’ve done that three other times. Either it’s stuck by now or it hasn’t.
I’m getting it. I’m touching myself on the crotch with my Blade Runner model kits while I read it.
Ultimate Comics Ultimates #7
Speaking of covers. Man. What the fuck is going on with Sam Wilson up there? Dude is straight-up on the fucking Ryan Braun treatment right there. His samples must have been compromised! Ignore the writhing veins underneath the skin! Wilson ain’t supplementing his superheroics with performance enhancers. Oh Braun! I fucking trusted you! I trusted you. Now you’ve betrayed me and Prince Fielder is going to Detroit to pretend he isn’t working out Daddy issues.
Meanwhile, back in the comic universe! Hickman is doing what he does best these days, which is to drag his feet. Reed Richards is a real sack of Post-Human shit, gobbling up real estate as the Future threatens to consume the Present. The first six issues or so of title was the futurism hotness, but ever since then it’s throttled way back. Whatevs!, I’m in it for the long haul. Particular since now I know Sam Humphries is the series’ heir apparent.
Orc Stain #7
James Stokoe does everything within the pages of this title. He draws it, writes it, colors it, bathes the PDF files of the comic in the Blood of the Choosen in order to gain favor with the Dark Ones. He does it all. Yes, sir. Since he assumes such an enormous task, the comic book takes on the flavor of this creator in its entirety. That’s why when you crack open Orc Stain, you’re thrown into a world that is blood, cocks, violence, orcs, and humor. The resulting cacophony is so terrifying and beautiful you’ll bask in the sunlight of creativity while barfing all over your exposed genitalia. Why are your balls-labia hanging out? Orc Stain. That’s why.
What are you guys and gals of the Sequential Rockitude buying this week? I’m all ears (eyes).