What’s new, readers? This is Casper here with an update from the bowels of Ponyville. You thought that whole grown ass man-MLP:FIM (That’s My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic for those not in the know) thing was over, huh? Think again, dudes. Not that you remember or anything but once upon a time I wrote an exposé on the brony subculture of eccentrics and the imprint they’ve left on copyright laws/media restrictions. With that, you can be certain I have a good handle on this fascination, or so I thought before stumbling over this troubling piece of footage. YouTube and the ‘bronies’ meet yet again and it ain’t cute or cuddly this time around either.

If you’re even mildly into collecting anything you’ve likely seen one of the kajillions of “unboxing” video clips hanging in the dark corners of the global sharespace like cobwebs. But wait, here’s a little something for the newbies. An unboxing is the general term for the act of removing an item from it’s original packaging but is usually specifically reserved for a grab-bag kinda deal where a collectible has multiple variations yet those variations are undisclosed and/or invisible to the buyer. Take for instance the process of unwrapping a package of Topps cards and finding a Cal Ripken Jr. rookie card (I know I’m a little behind the times) mixed in there or in this case digging into a Happy Meal to find a Twilight Sparkle pony. Got it? Good.

There’s something noticeably different about this specific unboxing video though. Sure it has all the social awkwardness, palpable tenseness, and lisp-laden monologuing to be expected from something of this nature. Those features are taken to such an extreme that it’s hard to accept this dude isn’t emotionally handicapped. I know it’s a bold statement but after making it halfway through this most of y’all will have my back on it. For one, this guy talks as if he’s been hermetically sealed in plastic for the better part of his life much like the “Rainbow Dash” and “Pinkie Pie” figurines at his disposal. I can’t make out even half of what he says, mostly incoherent mumbling to himself, and the best/worst part is when he gets up to demand a different toy from the McDonalds employee. She’s not too bad looking either. Heck, he could’ve played this whole lonely horsey thing to his advantage. Maybe she is one of those equally as disturbing girls that take pride in “fixing” boys.

He blows his chances (as if there were any other possible outcomes). The moment he opens his mouth the girl makes a run for the door like a frightened rabbit as he continues to talk at her. Does this guy have a definable mental incapacity or is he just a laughably pathetic dreg? A product of the incessant breastfeeding and PC wimpification that plagues this country’s male population, perhaps? Whatever the case, I think it would serve him well to drop the dolls for a minute and start thinking about rejoining reality. Alwight?

- Casper