Well dang! It’s been a minute since I butt cheek titty fucked this particular column. Press Start! Column where we chat up the weekly happenings in the gaming world. I’ve been busy, okay? The sculpture of Casey Hudson I’ve been crafting made out of my own excrement and sticking pins into to punish him for Mass Effect 3′s ending won’t make itself. Lots of chicken finger plates. Lots of bowel movements. Lots of fun! What matters is that I’m here now. We’re all snuggled up, don’t sniff my fingers, and I’m about to rattle off five things that caught my eyes this week. Don’t see something you dug on the list? Good, this little community doesn’t work without your input. Let’s jam.
#1: No One Knows When Super Mario Bros. Came Out In US
Super Mario Bros. dropped back in the day before the internet and the perpetual cataloging that seems so fucking standard these days. The 24/7 wind tunnel and news ticket and microscope hadn’t fully invaded the veins of Western Culture, and due to this wonky things could happen. Take this for example. No one knows when Mario’s first foray into preventing Lizard Rape occurred. Just mull that about in your brain-stem for a minute. These days we can catalog just about everything. The quintessential jam dropped in Japan on October 12, 1985. Of this we are certain. But when it touched down in the Empire proper remains to be seen. Some people claim that same October, some think as far as the next March.
Where do I weigh in?
Man, I don’t know. I was three years old when the motherfucker dropped. All I knew is that I wanted to run quick like lightning, bashing goombas, and stop Bowser from laying urethra-destroying pipe in Peach. Since a young age I’ve fashioned myself a vigilante, stopping those in trouble. Unfortunately at such a nascent moment in my rotting history, I couldn’t manifest such a desire with aplomb. I mostly just sat around shitting my pants and playing Asteroids. The more things change, yo.
#2: Journey Breaks PSN Sales Records
Mark this shit down as a moment for the minimalist experience! Journey dropped two weeks ago, and it has already wrested the crown of fastest-selling PSN game away from its competitors. Now, I’m going to pull down my pants and show you my warts. I haven’t played the game yet. I know. I ride the Fail Whale and shit. I’ve downloaded it though, and that has to count for something, right? Have I repelled your assaults? You stagger backwards with my repartee, grab a steel chair from underneath the ring and lay me out. I deserve this wailing. I was taken with the aforementioned Mass Effect 3, and then I dabbled a bit in the Alan Wake: American Nightmare. A small release unto its own right. Which…Sort of sucked. It felt the part of XBLA, but if it helps Remedy make a proper sequel on the next-gen swag, then my money wasn’t in vain. Take it. Take the cash.
Aside: This was also the week Fez got a release date. Fuck yeah.
#3: US Government Wants To Buy Foreign Game Consoles, Hack Em For Info.
You have to be impressed with just how douchey the government can be, and also how out of touch they are. Flush with obscene amounts of money while our infrastructure rots, education collapses, and poverty strikes the nation, the US military has decided to dedicate some of that money to buying foreign game consoles. Then they’re going to pass those piles of plastic off onto Obscure Technologies who will mine the shit of their data for user information. You know, to get the bad guys. Ominous music.
Secondly I mean…really? Is this how they think they’re going to go about effective administering preventive imperial justice? I’m going to go ahead and guess that the majority of people playing game consoles in foreign countries are going to be just like me. Moderately irritated at the state of Things, even moreso unmotivated, and ultimately benign as fuck. I suppose such realities don’t have to register when you have essentially an unlimited budget. Man, I’m getting worked up. I need to pop the pill and stare at that glorious picture of Jennifer Lawrence I have stowed in the whitey tighties until things begin to resolve themselves.
#4: Playstation 4 Details Leak. It’s Going To Fuck The Used Game Market. Hard.
Oodles and oodles of Playstation 4 details have leaked. I remember there was a time when a new console’s deets leaking would have prompted me to be all like “Oh, it’s so powerful! Numbers! Polygons! Processing data bytes!” while rubbing my Saturn’s analog pad on my cock. These days, I don’t know man. Power doesn’t get me jazzed up like it used to. Maybe when we see the tech demos my tits will harden and I’ll begin running around the apartment banging a pot and pat while my girlfriend cries wondering how she could love such a man. Maybe then. Right now though, what is most interesting about the PlayStation 4 is how they’re approaching the used game market and backwards compatibility.
They’re fucking both hard. The PS4 is going to (purportedly) lock new games to the user’s PSN account. Boom! Huge-tier gaming companies dumping a zillion dollars into Battlefield of Duty: Modern Phallus Death just shot loads all over their bellies. It’s quickly congealing, but as they contemplate the money they’re going to make they’re shooting…yes!, yes! another load. Not to be outdone by their male co-workers, the women of these gaming companies are squirting so hard the torrent is bursting through their clothes and taking out window panes.
As well, the system isn’t going to offer you the choice of playing your old fucking games on them. Surely shoving down our throat the idea of either keeping the older consoles (I will) or buying the wowie-kazwooie HD2 re-releases of our favorite titles.
#5: Buy Real Life Graphics Cards With EVE Online Credit-Things
Mah always said I wouldn’t turn out to be nothing ’cause I was always playing the video games and watching them Japanese cartoons. Well, a legion of gamers playing EVE Online now have the opportunity to make real hard..well, graphics cards by playing the title. Through some sort of fucking wizardry involving converting currencies or some shit in the game, they can then receive some computer hardware. It’s all sort of complicated and I had a friend try to explain it to me but I stopped listening to it halfway through and got a nosebleed when I really tried to figure it out. In-game money = real world shit. Now, this is cool but just wait until Diablo 3 drops and I make 100k a year farming items and selling them on the auction house! That’s all I know, and it’ll show mah!
What caught your eyes this week? Hit me.
For more of my mentally ill pop culture nonsense, hit up Omega Level.- Caffeine Powered