Last week I wrote a column in which i just reviewed documentaries I saw on Netflix and you all hated it. One guy named Harry N——- sent me a Facebook message telling to “knock off the boring shit and get to some action.” He also signed it “Nugga-noonch!” which is a reference to Kevin Smith’s movies. We’re still in the midst of a polar vortex and I have done NOTHING that is interesting AT ALL. I AM SO FUCKIINNGGGG BORRINNGGG NOWWWWW.
Since you all hated when I reviewed two Netflix movies, here are reviews of a few more.
Before I saw this documentary I assumed that bronies were all cute, twee little candy raver wimps. I learned from watching this movie that they are the most awful people in the fan community. It seems that as nerd culture has become more far reaching and common that the truly awful outcasts had to turn to something else and this is it. At the heart of it is this cartoon show that is fucking hideous to look at. I’m a huge Star Wars fan and I recognize that Star Wars is sort of stupid but Star Wars conventions look like goddamn Mensa meetings next to brony cons.
At first I thought, “Okay, well at least these people found something to fill their spiritual emptiness so that they won’t kill themselves.” But as the documentary went on I found myself thinking that it was imperative that these people all be executed. I had to turn this movie off because I started to realize that watching Bronies was turning me into Hitler. This is a very well made movie about a terrible, terrible thing.
In New York, in the eighties, there was a handful of people who made terrible movies and hung out with Basquiat and Blondie. Some of these people did some pretty cool stuff occasionally like Jim Jarmusch and Richard Kern. They all seem like corny assholes though. The goofiest is Nick Zedd who is like a caricature of what a self-serious wannabe artist is. He looks great in photos holding a camera and glowering but the movies he made are unwatchably bad. His real art isn’t movies though, it’s his glower. Man he can glower. I forget who it was that said that hanging out isn’t the same as making art. There are those of you who might choose to argue that hanging out IS making art. That is because you are so far from making art that you can’t even identify it yet.
This is an old documentary where surfers go fly all over the world and surf. There’s some kinda questionable comments from the narrator when they go to Africa about the natives throwing rocks.
This is the first in a series of documentaries that checks in with a bunch of English people every seven years to see how much their class strata decided their future. This is the first one and starts with a bunch of 7 year old English kids from all walks of life. There’s the goofy rich kids with their bad teeth and super effeminate speech patterns. Then there’s this turtle faced rich girl who seems like a total bitch. Then there’s poor little half black boy who is in an orphanage and you just want to reach in to your TV and adopt him because he’s such a cute and sensitive looking child. English people are gross to me. Sorry to any English people reading this to me. Despite America’s various issues, I am glad I’m American when I watch these movies. They make me very sad.
SEVEN PLUS SEVEN
This is the next documentary in the Up series and this time the kids are 14. The highlight is when the callous rich bitch is talking to the documentarians and her dog is in the back of the shot killing a rabbit. This documentary series shows a pretty yucky upper class. English people are gross. Too much inbreeding.
DREW STRUZAN: THE MAN BEHIND THE POSTER
Drew Struzan is the guy who painted all the best movie posters of the 1980s and everyone loves his work but he just kept getting ripped off over and over again and seems to have had a rough life. This was not an uplifting movie about the life of an illustrator. We see him meeting Harrison Ford for the first time after having painted him for decades and it’s short and awkward. His moment of glory seems to be getting some lame award at San Diego Comic Con and signing books. It was better recognition than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick but not as good as this guy deserved.
All that I took away from watching this was “Boy, John Lasseter sure has a lot of shit in his office. I bet it’s hard to dust!” I can’t remember one other thing that happened in this movie.
Well that’s it for this week. See yo next time, boys and girls!- Toilet Cobra