“Oh you wanna talk about reading? Let’s talk about reading.” Just one of the many infamous one-liners proclaimed in Jenny Livingstone’s docufilm ‘Paris Is Burning’ about NYC’s flourishing LGBTQ Ballroom Scene.
Reading is a fundamental of life, it just has to be done; and by reading, I don’t mean picking up a book and soaking up the literature you dummy. I’m talking about the art of cursing a bitch so bad, they’d probably have to go into hiding. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will do much worse.
I’m lucky enough to have been taught by the best and know the appropriate times to shut down that particular person that’s always bugging you; the person staring at you whilst on public transport; and the guys/girls who always insist on touching you in places one should not be touched (story of my f*cking life). So I feel in imperative to pass on my wisdom.
Firstly, always pick a flaw. It sounds so harsh, but reading is hitting below the belt with the utmost sophistication. Talk about their drooping eye-lid; their yellow teeth – “but gurl, the sun is supposed to be in the sky, not your mouth… Maybe a trip to Colgate-land might solve the problem” – you get the idea.
Be classy. There’s nothing I hate more than a messy reader… If you’re about to embark on reading someone, I suggest you have a somewhat clean plate. I’m not saying you have to be an angel (I mean you are about to use words that would make even Satan itch) but you have to be sure they’re not going to use something incriminating against you, so that means no sucking dick. Just saying.
Being classy also means reading with confidence and being sophisticated. A read out of anger won’t have the best effect, you’ll sound dumb and just as stupid as the person. Your read won’t work if you don’t use your words, so pronounce all your sounds. Diction is key hunny!
Hand/Head co-ordination is key. Use hand movements to accent certain words of the read, especially on the rude ones; it makes it look like it’s a bug that you’re flicking onto them. Head movements are a Diva’s best friend – think Mariah, Whitney, Patti LaBelle… Invoke the spirits of all three, the person you’re reading will be floored.
Finally, once you’re done – just walk away. They’ll either try with something else, but once you’ve given a good read; there’s no more to be done. Treat yourself to a nice burger, or now that you’re done – you can see about getting that D.