hello gang, I am sorry that it has been a while since I’ve talked to you, but it is because I have a good reason. my recent life has been consumed with thoughts about only one thing, and now I feel like it is time to share my greatest dream with you. that is why this installment’s theme is:
the people of my brain ultimate showdown fighting videogame
the excellent hypothetical videogame the people of my brain ultimate showdown: very excellent. what all personal and digital interactions of my life and many others have been building towards.
how chris farley has a tough time fighting you, he is breathing heavy and you are landing all of the blows, but then, when it is time for him to die he becomes a manic man, with limbs flailing, and he falls over on you clutching his heart and you both die and no one wins: sad and melodramatic, but specific and proof that this game delves deep into my own personal feelings about life and popular culture
the secret unlockable character my dad: better than yours, broad-shouldered, unbeatable. special move is he picks you up and throws you so high you never come back down. or it is he pushes you not me on the swing and he does it so hard you fly off into space where there is no air and you freeze and asphyxiate. working out kinks.
reviews of potential match ups:
chad muska vs. jerry rice: the muska is a wily boy, but in this game you play as the jerry rice of his prime and there has never been a soul with a stronger work ethic or a deeper hunger for the w, no matter what field he is playing on. #80, no contest.
the dixie chicks vs. val kilmer: a bizarre battle. players can choose to be val from either tombstone or top gun, both have their downsides, as Doc Holliday has tuberculosis and iceman is a big dick. if you unlock it, there is a secret super volleyball spike move, but in the end I am going to say that the chicks’ girlpower probably takes this one.
john wayne vs lon chaney: a disturbing matchup between two superstars. The duke’s bullet’s keep being swallowed into this monsterman’s wax flesh and do not appear to be doing any harm. The only way for the cowboy to come out victorious is for him to abandon his firearms and make do on raw power and masculinity. a secret of the game is that lon chaney’s head can come off but his body will fight for up to thirty seconds on its own.
peter weller vs. willie mays: two elder statesmen of the halls of my mind and I hate to see one of them murdered, but this is the game they have chosen to play. i chose not to allow peter to use the robocop suit as it obscures his face and that is not fair to the fans. both have the drive to do what needs to be done, but I think it is going to be the say hey kid’s superior athleticism and how his secret move uses a spiked bat that are going to settle this one.
the lizard king vs. landon donovan: this one is all about the passion. an internationally renowned American sports hero and a decorated knight in the ranks of satan’s army. Landon has the pluck and the intensity, but he plays by the book and boys from hell do not care at all about that, so I am thinking hard about a lizard king victory.
CAGE MATCH: jackie chan as a young chinese opera star vs. jackie chan from Drunken Master vs. Rumble in the Bronx era jackie chan vs. just jackie chan’s magic secret agent tuxedo from the film The Tuxedo: perhaps the ultimate fight. never has a more charismatic and fearless hero existed, and here he is pitted against his own legacy. very big genius moment in the history of gaming. my money is on him from Rumble in the Bronx. that is when he could do it all, more than you could ever dream about, even on a broken leg.
nicholas cage vs. the ramones: a lot of sweat and grunting here. builds slow but ends as the sloppy and powerful spirit of youth swallows a melting cageman.
the blues brothers vs. the cartoon boy aladdin: everyone is crafty here and it will be a hard fought bloody battle. the blues brothers have been in the n64 and aladdin was fun on Gameboy so they are bringing experience to the medium as well but jake and elwood have the lord on their side so in my opinion the street rat will end up a deadboy
Patrick Swayze vs. the ghost of Patrick Swayze: a kill screen. will not be finished. a battle that echoes into forever.
clint eastwood vs. sarah michelle gellar: clint eastwood has no problems roughing up a lady, but guess what? smg is no girl to be messed with! lol. too close to call from here but I know I am buying tickets to this one for sure.
the final battle in story adventure life mode between me and my dad and bruce and brandon lee: epic and well-matched. in the end it looks as though my unbeatable father and I are about to lose, but before bruce and brandon can defeat us and win the world’s tournament they spontaneously burst into flame and fly away as phoenixes and we are all left without fulfillment or satisfaction. the clock is stuck at 99, you can wait forever but they are never coming back.