Giorgio Moroder sat down for an interview recently, and revealed how he turns out wave after wave of sexy synth beatz.
“But wait!”, you say. “The author of this post intentionally misled us and that’s not Giorgio!”, you say.
Yeah, I know it’s not really Giorgio Moroder, but I think it’s a clever impression of the man, and it’s great to see people actually pay attention to him after disco bit the fucking dust 30+ years ago. Yeah, he was an amazingfilmscorecomposer, as well, but it’s his disco output that’s finally getting some retro-cool recognition via Daft Punk and their latest album.
If you watched the Creator Series with actual Giorgio Moroder prior to the release of Random Access Memories, you’ll probably get where the dudes in the above video got their ideas. Moroder is a legitimate disco legend, but he’s kinda been relegated to obscurity since disco’s hard and fast death. His being cast back into the limelight really underscores the fact that he’s 73-years old. Don’t get me wrong, I love the guy, but he’s kind of just like…I don’t know…a grandfatherly Moog-wizard at this point. And when a grandfatherly Moog-wizard DJs his very first set in the year 2013, it crosses over from charming resurgence of popularity, to that feeling you get when you see a cool-dad blasting a yesteryear trap banger from his recently-leased Camaro.
I feel all the love in the world for Mr. Moroder, but this hilarious parody mirrors my sentiments perfectly
sometimes it is time to look out for only number one, but other times you have to realize that your talents could help the whole world not just yourself, and that is why this installment’s theme is:
inspiration and destiny and leadership
the movie death race 2000: very excellent movie. when you experience something that is truly great, it is bound to inspire you to achieve, no matter what ur medium.
the hypothetical death race 2000 remake i dreamed about yesterday where everyone drives a pt cruiser and because david carradine is dead robert carradine has stepped in to play the cool sexy man frankenstein who drives the lizard pt cruiser: novel concept that really did not pack a lot of punch for me. does not stand up to the original, plus i still do not want to drive a pt cruiser. very poor casting choice with robert, not nearly cool or sexy enough to be frankenstein. will not be dreaming it again anytime soon.
the time that i had a mustache and a venezuealan girl asked me if i had a comb for it but she had on the bedroom eyes and i thought she said the c-word instead of comb, like do you have a c-word for that mustache?: weird and gelatinous moment. was in the pit. my cheeks were red and i said no which was true for both.
the time i shotgunned six beers because i was casually dared to then vomited three (3) times on my walk home: a misstep. has happened only once.
the time i shotgunned a beer but inhaled it straight into my lungs instead: another misstep, was close to death but now am stronger.
wyatt earp: blueprint for heroism. why we dream?
tom mix: a charismatic man and moviestar and legend and role model and romantic partner to a lot of women.
john wayne: what icon means. better than elvis?
how tom mix was a pallbearer at wyatt earp’s funeral and cried real tears at it, then later in his life hired john wayne because he got him usc football tickets and now they are all dead and enormous legends: sometimes it feels like the world came together and happened so that i would exist and be amazed by all of it. who is next in the chain of chosen ones? clint eastwood and then this boy?
in the future when i am a moviestar and the technology exists where there is a bigtime space fight between me and the ghost of tom mix that ends with us both punching the other through the soul and getting sent to an alternative dimension where we are benevolent kings of the same moon: a+ with five stars also. a return to the golden age of dreams. after you watch it you could end up in heaven.
the hit song girl i want to make you sweat: repetitive in a good way like breathing or heartbeats. a mantra for sexboys.
picking a girl up over your shoulder and at first she’s like ahh, but then she’s laughing because oh wow this is a powerguy and i feel the strength: good. why there are gyms.
the new dream, which is purchasing a large piece of montana and converting it into the town of boyparty, montana, where i will rule as a fair and honest mayor for the first fifty years, by which time the town will be a cultural hub and a true democracy can be established: very excellent dream. shows a lot of ambition and concern for the state of the world. reminds me of celebrations, florida, except that the message of boyparty is stronger and less corrupt than the disney one. it is more like athens, like wow, here we are, taking one step closer to the perfect society, elevating what it means to be a living human.
while I am alone or with friends or with family I have been spending a lot of my time watching videos and movies. at first they were lots of different kinds but over time I have honed my selections down and only make perfect ones and because of that this installment’s theme is:
mr. jackie chan and the pursuit of greatness
how when I was a small child I was on a soccer team and a mouse in the play Cinderella and jackie chan was a Chinese Opera star learning how to do backflips and headstand push ups and already walking on the road to becoming the perfect entertainer: very different paths, easy to tell why one of us is a superstar and the other one is me. when I am raising a child I will adjust accordingly.
the very excellent movie drunken master: !
how in drunken master after there’s the part where jackie chan makes fun of his teacher then beats him up and steals his hat, this girl’s mom beats him up: an important reminder of the power of moms and how you have to treat girls good because who knows what kind of mom they’ve got
how the guy who voiced over jackie’s part feels when he watches drunken master over and over again alone by himself in his empty house:ashamed and impotent and full of sorrow. he is probably an okay guy, but for a second he was the voice of a legend, and a normal life is less than nothing after that. I feel for him and wish for his own sad sake he had never been born.
the part in drunken master where his dad makes him squat with bowls of water balanced on him with weights on his arms over a red hot poker that will go up his butt if he messes up: that sucks and I am glad that wasn’t my dad, but maybe if that was my dad I would also be able to do backflips and defend the defenseless, so maybe I actually do wish that that was my dad.
the t shirt that all of the football players at my school had that said pain is weakness leaving your body: they were mostly shlubs, but maybe it is the truth anyway. i have lived a very gentle life and it is true that i am soft.
the man jackie chan: the perfect entertainer and human
the movie police story: ! the movie police story 2: !! the movie supercop (police story 3): !!!
rumble in the bronx: a psychedelic childhood nightmare fantasy about what foreigner children might think gangs and New York are like. also, perfect and a triumph.
how rumble in the Bronx is not a video game: an international failure.
the video game in my brain called Jackie Chan! Where you are not a character, you are the actual Jackie Chan and you wander through the streets fixing problems and making everything exciting: the world is not ready because how could you walk back out onto the street after you have felt like jackie? the answer is you could not and my beautiful dream will never be real for the sanity of us all.
the blooper reel of rumble in the bronx: the best that modern action cinema has to offer.
how in the blooper reel of rumble in the Bronx after he jumps off of the parking garage and lands on the fire escape he wiggles around and raises his arms because he’s really actually proud and happy because jumping from a building to a different building is a thing that makes him full of joy: !!!
the song kung fu by ash which is in this blooper reel and also the movie angus: if you have never heard it, then later you do hear it, it probably brings the same feelings into your brain and heart as the ones you had when you first figured out how to read or won a baseball game or figured out long division because it is the soundtrack of aspiration and realizing achievement.
rush hour: very good, very funny.
rush hour 2: !!!!!!!!!!!! transcendent! A beautiful merging of cultures that I don’t know if our global artists have been (or will be ever????) able to top.
the title of the movie Dragons Forever: the words for the feeling that I have while I am watching the master jump off of things and wishing it for myself for ever in the next realm.
my list of greatest pop culture icons in the history of ever that I thought a lot about this week:
George Washington/Abraham Lincoln
Review of list: very honest list. sometimes it is hard to admit that you have an addiction, but after you have done that it is time to embrace it and let it make you stronger, then transcend and maybe be an icon yourself? maybe this boy and jackie chan can one day be mentioned by all of the young and beautiful awestruck people in the same sentence as boys who believed enough in themselves and the power of kung fu to make this universe a better and more perfect universe.
The Lego series of video games have been a fun and cute way for small children (and high adults) to enjoy entirely G rated versions of popular series like Star Wars, Batman, and Indiana Jones. They’re perfect for keeping little brothers and sisters occupied, while indoctrinating them into classic fantasy and sci-fi stories. But, what if you wanted to get your 4-year-old niece into the world of meth dealing and murder, at an early age without having to risk her being killed by Mexican Cartel assassins? If that’s your goal, then we need to petition Lego to make this Breaking Bad video game designed by Brian Anderson, so kids can learn the essentials of drug distribution and moral relativism, before they learn to count.
Personally, I don’t have any small children in my life, but I do know that kids cost mad money. One of the only sure fire ways to recoup the crazy amounts of cash you invest in rearing a child is to prepare them for a career that makes wild money. Being a doctor, lawyer, professional athlete, or meth kingpin; for example. Remember, the children are our future, teach them well and one day they’ll bring home more money than you can spend without getting the attention of the DEA and IRS.
it has been another lengthy hiatus for me where i have been thinking about my world and reassessing priorities. sometimes the thing to do is take a break from being a widely-renowned journalist and dig into your own brain instead of doing things for everybody else. during my sabbatical i was on a beach in an undisclosed caribbean country receiving oil massages and delving deep into my own thoughts and feelings. while i was in the mind cocoon i discovered the secret to everything and that is the theme of today and also forever:
friends and smiles and beer and food and shelter and respect
the frozen passion fruit margarita i had in a very hip bar the other day: not very good, but on the other side, aching teeth and frozen brains let you know that you are alive!
moms: very good but also weird because they knew you best when you were a baby, but now you are older and you can’t even remember what it was like at all back then and you just want them to lay off and let you be you.
dads: mostly good, can get angry. they bring home the bacon.
stay at home dads: ideal state. good guys. i think i am meant for this.
single moms: very good, especially lawyers. am willing to be a positive male role model, housekeeper and sex boycandy for the right one.
the time when i was at my friend jason’s neighbor’s house and his mom who was beautiful was lying facedown and topless on a lawnchair in the backyard and all i could think was no words: too much for me. maybe the first time i thought about how moms are people and wondered what my own mom used to do before momdom and what my friends thought about her but didn’t say. i saw her boobs but only sort of.
battlestar galactica: it has been off the air for a couple of years and it is about a future group of humans, but don’t you think that it actually still hits home for all of us alive today?
when you are walking down the street and someone smiles at you and you look away like whut was that a crazy? but then you realize maybe you two were meant to be friends or kissing but now you are a block away: everyone is a ship and it is always nighttime and all we can do is hold hands for a little while?
beer: the slow way to a sleepy drunk. good while sitting next to a person you love platonically.
the new bud light straw-beer-rita 8 oz can: summertime is not yet here but its signature beverage has already arrived! unofficial and enthusiastic endoresement!
when it starts to rain or snow and you stand under an awning next to a stranger who seems cooler than you and you both nod like, yeah, it is raining on both of us even though we are different and i am taller and better looking: the elements are a powerful thing and so is god and in the end we will all be dust, even your great-great-grandchildren.
sometimes you listen to music because you are friends of the guy in the band or because it is fun to dance to or because it has political messages, but because summertime is coming and we are all about to wear shortsleeves, i thought it was important to make a list of the top ten best songs of triumph
the top ten best songs of triumph:
1. goodbye earl – the dixie chicks.
2. all kindsa girls – the real kids.
3. wide open spaces – the dixie chicks.
review of list of the top ten best songs of triumph: concise and great. he could have used some filler songs that would work okay, but if you are really closing your eyes and being honest, there are not another seven or even one more of this soul-lifting caliber.
The internet is home to a lot of crazy shit. You got your BDSM porn, your mail-order drug websites, and now you got an animated short depicting Miami Heat power-forward Christopher Bosh as a trans-dimensional prince, sent to earth to defeat an evil witch. Despite accusations that Bosh might sue the creators, the video premiered at the Borscht Film Festival, since accurately dubbed the Bosh Film Festival. I don’t think I’d be able to accurately describe the sick mix of Web 1.0 references, ludicrous mythologies of humble Bosh, or the show-stealing cameo by teammate Mike Miller, who gets possessed by a Wolfman. Suffice to say, it’s worth it to take 12 minutes and watch the video, to follow Chris Bosh across time and space, through your monitor.
My man Patton Oswalt, just spazzes out here and drops an eight minute long nerd freestyle about the new Star Wars movie on Parks and Rec. This should immediately be remixed with a series of Funkmaster Flex bomb drops and explosions. Shit is pure hot fire, if you’re really about that ComicCon life. For dudes that fuck around on that DragonCon wave, this rant is the equivalent of J.R Writer’s epic 9 minute freestyle from the early 2000s. Dude goes in real deep on the nerd references and fantastical theories, pitching a movie that ties together Star Wars, Avengers, and Clash of the Titans. I’d watch it. Honestly, if you had sex in high school, don’t even fuck around and watch this shit. I know everyone thinks they’re nerds these days, but your boy Oswalt is on some Rom, The Space Knight level arcana here. Strictly for live men, not for freshman.
You can look at the people in the crowd’s faces and see all of them glaze over. Lady with the red hair, in the front row really bringing that bored girlfriend realness. Try and explain the plot of Primer to your girl, know that face all too well.
* Not for nothing, but homeboy talks about the X-Men’s Quinjet, but, the X-Men have a blackbird. -1 points. But my man drops a Moon KNight reference, so that evens shit out.
Some company called Viper decided to get Riff Raff for a commercial. This makes sense to forty year old vice presidents of companies that want to be “edgy” and say shit like “I love underground culture”. However, dealing with Riff Raff is akin to taking a picture with a tiger, half of the time it’ll be cool, the other half the tiger is gonna maul your facial and you’ll spend the rest of your days wearing a Phantom of the Opera mask like dude from the St. Lunatics. Viper went with the mauling option.
The video is mad funny and has a ton of oblique references to Riff Raff in jokes, but what the fuck is a Viper? Is it some sort of Lowjack for creepy motherfuckers that wanna track their girlfriends/wives/daughters? Do they really think that the same people buying apps/systems to track their cars/daughters are really the same people who see Riff Raff and get excited? Why is Riff Raff the best actor in this commercial? Why is the dad so cool with watching his daughter catch dome in a hot tub? Lastly, where do you purchase candy paint Marcus Jacobs goggles? Asking for a friend.
The Layzell Bros peer into the future of train travel and human interaction with their new animated short Future Travel. The animated video imagines a world where everyone is constantly plugged into the internet, technology hide us from the uncomfortableness of face to face contact, and quite possibly, the entire world is just north of being fullblown social retards. A startling and improbable future, I say, as I type this from a laptop in a darkened room.
Despite the social commentary, the animation is still full of shit jokes, neon colors, and dialogue like “my cat is dead, let me have your pussy to play with”. In other words, it is, in fact, art at its highest form. Within the two minutes of ADD riddled drawings is a message, “never give up on love”, which makes this exploration in weirdness, a romantic tale at it’s center.
Get off the internet. Go talk to someone in real life, and bring your A game when you approach someone on the train, or die alone.
If you ever wondered what WorldstarHipHop would look like in the Star Wars universe, this video is your new favorite thing. Watch as a baby gets ahold of a lightsaber and proceeds to menace his entire family. Limbs are removed, baby cries, and domestic havoc slowly unfolds before your eyes. It’s like the best of Baby’s Day Out and Empire Strikes Back, but with a lil bit of child negligence sprinkled on top. I wonder, if Child Protective Services falls under the prevue of The Empire, or if that’s more of a local government issue? Surely, a messageboard somewhere, holds the answer to this and other asinine Star Wars questions.
Videos like this make a strong argument for lightsaber control laws. Everybody says they need a lightsaber in the house in case robbers attack, or some Sith roll up and try to start shit. In most cases you end up merking yourself with the shit, or worse yet, your kids get into it. It’s really time that motherfuckers let go of these wild west attitudes and pass laws regulating the ownership of lethal, fictitious weapons. “Lightsabers don’t kill people, people kill people” is, and always has been, a bullshit argument.